March 29, 2009

Reality setting in

Reality has hit me.

This is it.

The chance at having another baby is here and now, never again after this... well unless of course I get REALLY HOLY and God lets me have an immaculate conception.... but since I don't see that one happening then this is the one.

The final turn in the race.

The finish line is in sight.

I am scared senseless.

I have been thinking back on the last 14 months of Turtle's life and how amazing it has been to have her here in all her girly glory. I have really enjoyed it more then I thought I would. It has been a challenge most of the time, but ever so rewarding. I feel some days like this last cycle just has to work for sanity sake.... my sanity. Then other days with her are so hard and exhausting, I think WTF am I doing even wanting another one. Every time I hit one of those moments though, I think of a country song that is out right now... The chorus is this "It won't be this way for long" and it is all about a man and his daughter.

I try to hold the moments when she does something really adorable, but I am running out of room.

She was running down the driveway the other day, and tears fell down my cheek.... I know it will be a blink in time, and I will be standing in the same spot on a September day putting her on that big yellow bus for the first time.

I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how hard I am praying for this cycle to work, I have this amazing little girl already, and have moments when I think that she is enough, and I don't know why I am even doing this. Then I flash on not wanting her to be an "Only" child, and to have that big loving family that I want her to have, and remembering that I want to have another child to love, hold and cuddle with. It is a hard place to be.

If this cycle fails, then the decision will be a forced one, and I am not one who likes to be forced into anything.

I will accept it though and move on, because I have to. I have to for Clark's sake, Kent's sake, and Turtle's sake. We all need to be at peace with this chapter of our lives, especially me.

I am honestly mentally prepared for it to go either way.

I hope.

12 comments:

Kristin said...

Hoping and praying that it works this time around.

Jason and Samantha said...

Thoughts and prayers and lots of finger crossing.

(hug)

Poison Ivy said...

How ever this cycle turns out, I am there for you! Keeping you in both thoughts and prayers.....you know how I think! LOL xoxoox

Lorraine said...

It's hard to hold onto the "either way" feeling all the time - but it's good to know you can get there - means you can get there again, if you have to.

Hope you don't, though!

My Reality said...

Hoping for you. A whole lot.

intricatelycomplex said...

just want to wish you much good luck for this cycle.

Susan said...

I think you're growing up a bit and I feel about you like you feel about Turtle growing up. You're going to be amazed at the things that are going to happen to you and shape your life. It's going to be right. In the meantime, legs and toes and fingers crossed!

Just Me. said...

Sorry, I haven't been around much and am just catching up on blogs.

I was reading up your previous posts and gosh, I've missed quite a fair bit here. Again, really am very sorry that I've missed out so much!

I'm crossing everything for you that it works this time!

Hugs

Aunt Becky said...

Praying with you.

Mandy said...

I think once you let go of certain things.. and come to peace with the it and realize it will be OK afterall... is when magic happens. But we've talked about that a millions times. hugs and prayers.. talk to you soon.

Dora said...

Of course you're scared! But, Reb, I must say, you sound very centered about this cycle. So hoping this is the one!!

Kristine said...

Big hugs!! I hope it works this time for you. All the thoughts you are having about whether adding another one is the right thing to do, is completely normal. Keep hanging in there girlie.