Reality setting in

Reality has hit me.

This is it.

The chance at having another baby is here and now, never again after this... well unless of course I get REALLY HOLY and God lets me have an immaculate conception.... but since I don't see that one happening then this is the one.

The final turn in the race.

The finish line is in sight.

I am scared senseless.

I have been thinking back on the last 14 months of Turtle's life and how amazing it has been to have her here in all her girly glory. I have really enjoyed it more then I thought I would. It has been a challenge most of the time, but ever so rewarding. I feel some days like this last cycle just has to work for sanity sake.... my sanity. Then other days with her are so hard and exhausting, I think WTF am I doing even wanting another one. Every time I hit one of those moments though, I think of a country song that is out right now... The chorus is this "It won't be this way for long" and it is all about a man and his daughter.

I try to hold the moments when she does something really adorable, but I am running out of room.

She was running down the driveway the other day, and tears fell down my cheek.... I know it will be a blink in time, and I will be standing in the same spot on a September day putting her on that big yellow bus for the first time.

I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how hard I am praying for this cycle to work, I have this amazing little girl already, and have moments when I think that she is enough, and I don't know why I am even doing this. Then I flash on not wanting her to be an "Only" child, and to have that big loving family that I want her to have, and remembering that I want to have another child to love, hold and cuddle with. It is a hard place to be.

If this cycle fails, then the decision will be a forced one, and I am not one who likes to be forced into anything.

I will accept it though and move on, because I have to. I have to for Clark's sake, Kent's sake, and Turtle's sake. We all need to be at peace with this chapter of our lives, especially me.

I am honestly mentally prepared for it to go either way.

I hope.

Authorized!!

Started monitoring this morning.

Authorization came through this afternoon.

The lab lost Clark's HIV test, so he has to do it again.

I have to go get my meds tomorrow, but I had Foll*stim left from our last cycle, so I have 200 units on board tonight.

Things were tense and frosty at the clinic today. I am sure that the situation from Tuesday got a few words exchanged, but I don't really care.

A very sweet lady called me from WeSuck yesterday and told me that they were going to resubmit my claim for the last transfer and pay it, because it was in fact their mistake.

So, here we go.

I hope you all have a 5-point harness and helmet on because this has already been a hell of a ride, and it is only begining.

Dear new Anonymous Asshole....

So, you hail from Slough, in the UK, and you were here and left your anon comment on my blog at 12:12:25 EST.

I have to tell you that you are a total jerk off, and if you post another site on my blog anywhere I will make your life miserable. How dare you come here post a site like that, and expect to not get your ass handed to you?? What the hell gives you the right to think that any of that shit applies to me in the first place??

So according to you my adopted Son will never be much of anything because we don't really love him, and he doesn't feel loved huh?? Well then maybe I should take him out in the back yard, and put him out of his misery. Would that make you happy?? Get off your fucking horse and see that Verrier is so full of shit her eyes are brown!!

Furthermore just because my daughter is an ART child does not mean that she will be unhappy when she grows up. I know who her parents are you dumb ass, and if you took more then 5 seconds to come here and spout your fucked up drivel and maybe actually read my blog, you might know that.

You and your freakshow friends who post all those crap ass blogs can kiss my happy IVF/ICSI/ART supporting ass!!!!

Story of my Effing life!!

I had this great post all planned out in my head when I walked out the door this morning, but by 2 PM it had been shot right to hell.

I was going to tell you all about how I feel about this upcoming cycle, and post a pic of all the drugs I got from the pharmacy for said cycle. I can't do either right now because I am still so pissed off that I want to strangle someone.

Turtle and I had lunch today with Clark early so that I could head to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. After we ate and Little Miss played her ass off for what seemed like an hour, we left and headed to make our pick up. Got there and told the guy what I was there to get, he said to give him a few minutes to get it all ready. Turtle ran the store while he did that.

I came back when he told me it was ready, and he rang it up, looks at me and says"That will be $6792.33 please." I think I had a minor heart attack right there. I told him that I had insurance, and he said oh ok, let me run it. We waited about 20 minutes, and he comes back up and tell me that the insurance is declining my claim. I asked if he knew why, and he said it was because there is no authorization for this IVF.

What the FUCK??

I was just going to call them, but since the clinic is only about 10 blocks from the pharmacy, I drove over. I asked to speak to the woman that handles the insurance stuff, and after about 10 minutes she came to get me. We go back to her office, and she says "Ok just so you know we have no idea why WeSuck InsCo won't pay for this.

Huh?? I asked her what she was talking about, and she says "Well you are here about your last cycle and why they didn't pay for your transfer right??"

"Uh nope, I am here to find out why you guys didn't get authorized for the cycle I start in 2 freaking days!!"

To which I get a total look of surprise.

"I didn't know you were doing another cycle again much less starting in 2 days."

So I tell her about trying to get the meds, and she looks up in my chart, and all the info is there, but no one told her that we were doing this cycle. Just freaking great, it takes at least 48 hours to get WeSuck to approve a cycle, and I have less then that before I am supposed to be at the clinic for monitoring.

FanFuckingTastic.

So she quickly faxes the papers over to WeSuck and we cross our fingers. I then asked her to explain to me what she was talking about when I first got there, and she told me that WeSuck had sent a letter saying that they were not paying for the embryo prep or transfer for our last cycle in January. No details just that they weren't paying it, and that I would have to appeal if I felt they had made a mistake, but it was out of the clinics hands now.

Before I left, I told her that I was sorry that this whole mess was my fault. She looked at me and asked me what I meant, and I simply told her that it was my fault because I ASSUMED that they all communicated.

I left, and drove home, even though I had planned to do some other things, so that I could call WeSuck and ask them what the hell.

Moron #1 at WeSuck tells me, after looking it up in her handy little computer that I didn't have an embryo transfer I had an embryo TRANSPLANT, and they don't cover those. I literally spit soda out my nose when she said that. I have no idea who in the hell who wrote the exclusions, but Embryo Transplants haven't been done in over 20 years, and I am not a farm animal, so it doesn't count in this situation. After spending 15 minutes trying to explain the differences, I asked if I could just talk to someone in the IF department... She tells me this "Oh no, they don't talk to the members at all." HUH??? Come on, you have a department who approves IVF's, but cannot talk to me to get this sorted out?? I finally asked her to put me through to someone who had a little more brains.... and yes I said it just like that. She sent me to a "Resolution" team member who did understand, and agreed that it should have been covered, and that she was going to submit it for review.

So, now I wait. I have more, but it will have to wait for tomorrow since the Turtle is still working on her SRT certificate... oh what you don't know SRT?? You do........

Sleep Resistance Training........ Nuff said!!!

I got nuttin'.....

I mean really, I have nothing.

I am so sleep deprived, I can hardly remember my name.

The Turtle and I ended up sleeping on the couch last night because she refused to sleep in her crib. She thought it was hysterical and laughed at the snoring dogs for almost 20 minutes.... I was NOT amused. She has been the temper tantrum queen the last few days to. I thought the "Terrible Two's" were supposed to wait until 2!! OMG she is just a trainwreck!!!

I haven't heard back on any of the applications that I have filled out. Not sure I will what with the state of the country these days.

8 more days until we start stims, and I forgot that we had to redo our HIV tests before then... damn.

I have 4 animals I am trying to find homes for because they just can't be here any longer.

2 of our cats just do not tolerate Turtle, and instead of running from her, they just bite her... not having that!!

The mini doxies are really getting bad with her now to, and both have snapped at her several times now.

This situation is just breaking my heart because the doxies are 11 and 10, and have been with me since they were 8 weeks old. I can't trust just anyone to take them, and not to many people want an "elderly" dog. Rock and a Hard place on this one.

So that is my week in a nut shell... oh yeah besides the fact that Kent has been hiding an F in Geometry for 2 weeks and I finally found out. Can't get the teacher to call me back either. Fun times in Infertile house I tell ya!!!

Strangers in the Night

Turtle has decided that it is very important for her to be up several times every night for the last week. She cannot be consoled into just going right back to sleep, or by just letting her talk to herself. She starts screaming in a few minutes if you don't go in to see her, and she is WIDE awake when I do. Last night I went right in and made her a bottle... that did the trick for a few hours, and then we were up again.... any suggestions??

The poor thing has also become so clingy the last 2 weeks that I am finding reasons to get out of the house after Clark gets home just to have 5 minutes to myself. How sad is that?? But there is something about not being able to walk because there is a 23 pound person hanging on to your leg....

I had to babysit for the babysitter today, and my kid was the "bad" one. She literally screamed from the time we got there until we left. When I picked up the 4 month old that was there, she would pick it up a notch and literally scream until she was purple in the face. Does this bode well for a younger sibling?? UGH....

By the time I got her home just a short 3 hours after we left, her eyes were swollen, she had busted blood vessels in her face, and she was so exhausted that she fell asleep in less then 3 minutes. I have to start leaving her with this sitter in a week or so to go back to work, and then to "cycle" starting on the 26th. She has known this woman since the day she was born, so I have NO CLUE what is going on with her, and it breaks my heart to see her do this to herself!! I don't know what to do, and it is wearing me down.

Work... yeah, there was this Divine thought I had about being a CNA. Well actually after the kids are all in school I am going back myself to be a nurse, but for now the CNA. Your license has to be renewed every 2 years, and to do that you have to be working under an RN. Mine is up the 23rd of April, so I have to do something before the 2nd week of April in order to keep it. In order to go to the nursing program I want, I have to keep my CNA. Welcome back to health care!! So if I am quiet you will know why!!

I also added a special site to my sidebar today. This family is trying to get the funds up to bring Little Kellsey home. I got this site from a friends blog, and was touched to tears with the love and devotion that this family has for their kids!! I have to admit it really struck me deeply because of the scare we had when PG that Turtle could have had Down's. So please if you get a chance, go over and look at the items they have in their "Silent Auction" and help them bring Kellsey Home.

RedNeck Asshole Brigade

I have left the OctoMom alone here, but today I heard one of the most insulting comments by far!!

Let me set the scene... I live in RURAL NC, I am talking like 200 people in our "town" and they are stretched out over MILES of farmland.

We have a little store in said "town" and I had to make a stop there today for a friend.

I know the owners, and they know us, very well.

Now of course since I am in the running for MOTY (Mother of the Year), I took Turtle in the store with me.

Somehow, I have no idea who or how, but the people in line started talking about the OctoMom. I kept my mouth shut as I often do on this subject because honestly I didn't have the time to break it down for the RedNeck crowd.

Standing in line behind me is an older man. Think oh I would say late 60's early 70's maybe. Well he is all in a tizzy over Ms.OctoMom, and he says to the cashier...

and I Quote...

"Well it just makes me sick what she did, and now the rest of us are going to pay for her and her FREAK OF NATURE IVF BABIES."

The cashier just looked at me and smiled a knowing grin.

He reached up and touched Turtle's shoulder, looked at me and said....

"What a beautiful little girl you have."

I turned to him and looked that old man squarely in his face and said.....

"I know huh?? Not bad for an IVF FREAK OF NATURE dont'cha think??"

You should have seen his face.... PRICELESS!!!!

Upkeep..

Somehow I missed that Sunday was March 1st and February is gone. Time seems to be speeding up no matter how I try to keep it at a slow and steady pace.

Poor Turtle is still not back to herself just yet. I have been having to get up at least twice a night to comfort her. She started really, really walking this past Friday, so I think she wants to get up in the middle of the night and walk around, irregardless of how tired mommy is!! She has also been very needy and demanding... welcome to toddler hood!!

Kent didn't do well while we were gone, and has lost privilege's because of it, not to mention that his attitude has been very shitty the last week. We found out that he lied about some very serious things that could have gotten us into trouble, and when we confronted him about them, he told me "Oh well, guess you won't piss me off again huh??" So, I am trying to get him back into therapy... not that I think it will really help, but at this point I have no options.

Clark and I actually had a good time while we were away, despite the reason we were out of town. We spent a lot of time talking, and enjoying each other again. We discussed the Last Cycle, and I told him that I wanted to wait a month, so when we got home I emailed Dr. OvaryWhisperer and told her that I had taken my last BCP on Sunday, and what did she want me to do. She advised that I could start the next pack, and that she would let the nurse know. Yesterday the Nurse called me with our schedule, and I will take my last BCP on the 22nd, and start stims on the 26th of this month. I know that doesn't seem like a month, and really it isn't a full month, but with this new protocol things move A LOT faster. I didn't fully understand how fast either, and thought I had until April before we started, but I talked to Clark, and he was fine with it. My biggest concern was all the antibiotics that I have been on the last few weeks because of the ear/sinus issues, so I wanted to get some time between them and all the meds to come. Aside from all the other vitamins I am taking I added Co Q-10, and DHEA to the mix hoping to give the eggs and ute a boost. Hell at this point I would take just about anything to give this cycle a shot.

Now for my address to Anonymous: I cannot imagine that you thought you wouldn't get attacked by either me or my commenter's when you posted your response. While I am not angry at you, as I said before I feel sorrow for you actually, I will not disagree with any of the people who addressed you. While your comments weren't on the vile side, they really were hurtful in the sense that you implied that my children would not be good enough for you because of MY Mental Illness. I know that not all Bi-Polar people are easy to treat, and some are downright resistant to treatment period, I however am not one of those people. I took pains to take a lot of supplements especially for fetal brain development before and after I conceived Turtle, and every cycle since. I did everything I could in my power to make sure that any child I gave birth to, had less of a chance of being Bi-Polar. Nothing says that Turtle will or won't have problems, like I stated that is not up to me, or you, but I will not love her any less if she does have any Mental or other illness. I feel that I am actually more so prepared for what may come then a mother who isn't used to dealing with a mental illness, because I walk that line everyday. I know what to look for, and how to help if the need should so arise. So, in finishing, I am sorry if you feel that you were vilified, but I don't think that with the nature of your comments, and the hiding behind Anonymous to make those comments, that you really thought through all of the ways that you could hurt with what you said. Does that make sense or am I way off base here??

It is late, I am tired, and my brain hurts from cleaning all day... LOL I know that sounds goofy, but I swear I cannot get housework done unless I have a chore chart anymore, and since I have yet to make one up, keeping everything in my mind that needs to be done just makes me run around looking like a chicken with it's head cut off.... :o)

Good night sweet Internets!!!

Sadness

I have been out of town for a funeral.

Clark and I lost a very special man in our lives this past week.

Turtle didn't travel well, and I am going to need a day or so to recover.

I am going to further address Anonymous when I return, but I just wanted to let you all know that we are ok physically.

It is my heart that is in shambles.