Yep, two weeks, and she is still alive!! LOL I cannot even believe how fast time has flown for me. It feel like just minutes ago I was laying eyes on that little girls face for the first time, and yet she has already done so much growing and changing. There is nothing in this world that can empty the bitterness and anger of Infertility out of your heart faster then the smile on a sleeping babies face... especially if that baby is your very own, and you spent years fighting to get that little life home. Not that fertile people don't feel that same thing, but hell, I feel like people who have to work so very hard for something they want, tend to appreciate it just a little more. I have found parts of my heart I never even knew existed. I always wondered if they were there, but until that very moment when I felt them, they weren't really there. I knew this little one when she was a group of cells on a screen, and I never thought I would be looking at a face that is so much like mine, and yet so much her own. Touches of her daddy, but an individual just the same. It is awesome to consider that just a mere few months ago, this little person was being "made" in a lab, and then being transfered into my body to grow and become the baby that she now is. That I did this is still so freaking surreal to me that I almost cannot fathom the reality of it. I hold that warm little body and smell her hair, look into those eyes, and wonder if she will ever know just how much I love her, and what I did to get her here. I cannot imagine a day without her in it, and that is the scariest feeling I have ever had in my life!! To not have that little face look at me with the wonder that she already posses, would be like being lost at sea without a life preserver.
My mom is here right now, and she made a comment about how now I can stop calling myself the InfertileMadWoman. Uh. Not. I really bug out that people think just because I have this little one that now I am all better, fixed, cured as it may be. Not. So. Much. I will never be fertile. Never. So I tried to explain it to her, but she really cannot get it. I spent so many years being infertile that it is a part of me that I can't change, or let go of, and I don't really want to. I have been defined by my struggle for so long that I cannot imagine it not being apart of me. I cannot imagine not trying to give the support and understanding that comes with knowing this side of the struggle. I know there are some infertiles out there who feel like those of us who get the "Golden Ticket" become somehow different. Maybe, but we never forget!! I have felt pain that will forever keep my feet in this Infertile world, sure I have a child now, but isn't that what we all fight for?? I still feel pain for those who cannot reach this side of things, but then I know if you are one of those people you are thinking "Oh shut the Hell up, you have what I want!!" Yeah I do, and I spent 14 years on the other side of that statement, so I do know, and I do feel, and I remember. So, I will always be the InfertileMadWoman!!!
OK, so, there are things people don't tell you about post partum!!! Things like having a "Sunny Side Up" baby will totally ruin your bladder for a hell of a long time!!! OMG if I piss my pants one more time, I am checking into a nursing home!! Face up seems to put a lot of pressure on the bladder and urethra, and can cause it to "spasm" for some time after delivery!! Yeah well no freaking kidding!!! I did the Kegals like the books tell you to, but Ha, "Sunny" has changed the name of the game!!
I have also been having issues with, well you know #2. Remember OHSS for Dummies??? Remember the razor blade comment?? Yeah well that sensation is back. My tear has healed, so that isn't it, but I can tell you that when I feel the urge to, well you know what, I almost have an anxiety attack!! No really it is traumatizing!!!
Oh yeah and engorgement when you aren't breastfeeding... HOLY SHIT!!! To say that I had hooters was an understatement!! OMG, I could have made a ton of cash if I had any pole dancing or stripping experience!! I literally went up 3 cup sizes over night, and looked like I had a botched breast implant surgery!! It was sooo painful, I literally almost stood outside in 20 degree weather naked from the waist up to get some relief!!! They are still swollen, and I cannot seem to get them to dry up even though I have not let her try to nurse since she delivered, so I am dealing with almost constant pain on that front to!! UGH!!
We had the "When to add a sibling" conversation when Turtle was a week old, and Clark's comment to me when I asked him if he was ready for another one was " What are you TRYING to Kill me??" I didn't know what to think about that, so I asked him to clarify just what the hell he meant, and he came back with the fact that everyday of our pregnancy with Turtle was like a nightmare for him, waiting for something to go terribly wrong, and that he really doesn't think that he can or wants to handle another pregnancy!! Oh my, he is a Mess!!! I get it though, and I guess I just never really thought about how bad this whole thing was for him. He really doesn't show his feelings well most of the time, so while I knew he had been worried about me and the Turtle, I never fully got that it was as hard on him as it was. I understand though, and I agree with him. So, for now it looks as though Turtle will be our only adventure into biological parenting. Besides, I am not so sure I could get this lucky the second time around!!!
So, it is getting late here, and this post is getting long, so I will try to get back in the next day or so to let you know how we are all doing!! Hugs to everyone!!
A Not-So Happy Ending
5 hours ago