March 7, 2008

Days Go By.....

Wow, I can hardly believe that I have been gone from here for so long!! Actually that is a lie, I know exactly how long I have been gone, but I have a very valid excuse!!! Being mommy to a newborn has totally taken over my life and overwhelmed me. That little person is so selfish I tell ya!! :o)

I have to admit that I was totally unprepared for Motherhood at this level!! I cannot find the beginning, or the end of any thought that I have other then the one that I ask myself several times a day, usually when Turtle is on one of her MANY crying jags, "What in the HELL was I thinking??" Of course I WANTED a baby, hell I took 14 and a half long years fighting to get here, and now there are times when I look at that little person and want a "do over". How fucking wrong is that?? So many things in my life have become over rated: Sleep, a daily shower, clean shirts (hell clean clothes period), 10 minutes to myself, and lastly my sanity. All I want more then anything is to get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. The days all run together, in fact I totally swore that today was Thursday and Turtle was 7 weeks old today, when it is Friday obviously, and I almost missed her pediatrician appointment!!!

So do I sound like a giant asshole yet?? Because I sure do feel like one!! I pray for her to nap just a few minutes longer so that I can have just a little more silence, and every time I do my guilt creeps even higher. I wish I had 10 minutes of time with Clark where I didn't have this little person between us, and it hurts my heart to think like that. I told Clark how I was feeling, and he keeps telling me that it is normal for me to feel like this because we have had a major life event, and if I thought back, I had some of the same thoughts when we first had Kent come to live with us. Not. So. Much. I have to admit that I felt like I had purpose in what I was doing for Kent, and was totally devoted to this poor broken child who needed me, Turtle... Not. So. Much. And that breaks my heart. She is my flesh and blood, I birthed her, I fought so hard for her little life, I begged God and all the others to let me keep her, and now I mostly just want my silence back. I recognized that I was starting to have more bad days then good, and since I had never gone off meds, I knew it was time to check myself.

You know what they call this?? Post Partum Depression. Yeah that is what the Psych says. Up the drugs. It will work its self out, they say. God, I Fucking hope so, because I LOVE that little girl!! Her every smile touches me in a place that I never knew I had. I am so scared that something will happen to her that I can't breathe unless I know she is ok. I look at her little face and feel more love for her then I have ever known in my life. I get so wrapped up in looking into her little blue eyes that I forget what I am thinking sometimes. I can't go more then 5 minutes without kissing her when I am holding her. This is my daughter and I love her.

A lot of this I guess stems from the fact that Turtle hasn't had life so easy the past few weeks, so we have spent a lot of time at the Pediatricians offices, and one day this last week having a test done at the local Children's Hospital. All is well, just some bumps in the road... Colic, Reflux, and now we find out that the opening at the bottom of her stomach is smaller then normal, so her tummy empties slower then it should. It has just made life so much harder for her and I. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel every time she screams out in pain when she is eating, it makes me cry. No one wants their child to feel pain. I also feel guilt that she has these issues, not that there was anything that I could have done about it, but we all want our children to be "perfect", and to not have to go through anything bad. It is all settling down though, but I do feel like a bad mom almost everyday because of her health issues.

It has been a long 7 weeks, but we have made it this far. It has just been very hard to come to terms with the fact that for as long as I can remember I have wanted this, and now that have it, most days I don't. It is sad how Infertility can break you and mindfuck you into nothingness. I hope it lifts soon because Spring is coming, and I am tired of crying and hating myself!!


Kristin said...

"Of course I WANTED a baby, hell I took 14 and a half long years fighting to get here, and now there are times when I look at that little person and want a "do over". How fucking wrong is that??"

It is not wrong...even when we fight like hell for parenthood, there are days we question what we were thinking. LOL...two frequent refrains in my house when my oldest was a newborn (he also had colic) were...

1) Can I exchange him for the same make and model with a better attitude installed?


2) I would threaten to call 1-800-Gypsies R Us and have them come by to pick up the kid. (My mil thought this one was hysterical but I don't think she ever realized how serious I was.)

You haven't had an easy few weeks between the PPD and Turtle's issues but stay strong and it will get better. Also, do not be ashamed to consider meds for some short term help. I sometimes honestly think antidepressants are one of the rights of passage we go through.


Anonymous said...

My Darling friend..... This too will pass. I had ppd with the twins and now when I look back on it I hardly remember my idiotic ways, unless a family member would rub it in on how OVER NEUROTIC I was. JUst remember 1 thing, when life is at its crazyness, you would not trade her in for the world!
I love ya!