January 1, 2008


So during last nights Ball Drop, I was either fitfully sleeping, not sleeping, or having a freaky nightmare, not sure which one it was because I can't see the alarm clock from my side of the bed!! Not that it matters it was one of the three I promise you!! Turtle has become the bain of my sleeping hours. She thinks that after I crawl into bed, that signals her to start the dance party in-utero.... this is so not funny!!! I am really beating a path to exhaustion more and more everyday, and I am no good when I don't get some sleep. Granted this may be her way of getting me ready for what is to come, but since I don't have to get up every two hours to feed her right this minute you would think the little hijacker would cut me some slack!! LOL But then I am guessing that is NOT what babies are all about, even the unborn ones... cutting Mom some slack.

There have been so many times during this pregnancy that I wanted to just blog my heart out about all the shit that I hated about being pregnant, but then I thought better of it, and didn't... well who does that serve?? Not me really, because this is supposed to be my haven, my place to talk freely about how I feel. But, and it is a BIG But, people don't want to hear an Infertile who has achieved "The Greatness" whine and complain about it. No really, they don't. I have seen it so many times in comment sections on other blogs, when that long fought for pregnancy doesn't go as smoothly as the blogger wishes, or truly ends up sucking hard core. You always have that Anon that pops in and tell you to just get the hell over it, that you should be thankful to be in the place that you are in. Well no shit Anon. Thankful yes, but still just as miserable as the crackhead down the street who got knocked up for free and has the same problems that I might, absofreakinglutely. See I look at it like this, just because I fought and PAID mucho bucks for this baby doesn't mean that I have to be shiny happy all damn day long when things are going shitty!!! But, unfortunately I did just that, I kept a lot of things that happened this last 37 weeks to myself, mainly because I didn't want to deal with some ass who felt the need to run their mouth about something they have no knowledge of. So, in thinking back over this last year, I realized just how unfair that was to me, and maybe some of the people who read my blog, because being pregnant isn't all roses and sunshine, sometimes it really sucks, and it doesn't matter how in the hell you got there either.

I can honestly say that for the most part I haven't enjoyed being pregnant.... and it kills me to say that!! When you wish, hope, dream, and pursue something for almost half of your life, and it turns out shitty, you wonder what the whole point was. I mean really, it is like holding out for that first drink when you turn 21 and then the first drink makes you puke til you can't breathe... It is all the buildup that you face, and then when the let down comes, it really pisses you off when it isn't all that you expected it to be. I wanted this whole pregnancy thing to be beautiful. I wanted it to be uneventful. Ha, well now that we have gotten to the finish line, or close to it anyway, I cannot let go of the anger that I feel, that my "dream" wasn't realized, and I am not so sure how to get over these feelings that I have. What hurts me even more is that I have realized that I have had such a bad go of this, that Turtle may be the only baby that we have. I just don't think I could put myself, or Clark through this again. Sure everyone says those feelings will pass when Turtle gets here, and we fall madly in love with her, but hey what if that doesn't happen?? I mean come on, what am I going to do if I cannot bond to this baby, and be the good mother that I want to be?? What if I end up resenting her because I pretty much hated being pregnant with her?? Geez nothing like an end of the year reflection to make you totally look and feel like an asshole huh??!!

So, Kent goes back to school tomorrow, Clark goes back to work, and I get the house back to myself... THANK GOD!!! I cannot tell you how hard it has been to have my schedule all disrupted by 2 males who while they may live here, are interlopers in my daytime world!! GAH!!!

So, my bag is packed, and Turtle's bag is packed. Her room is done for the most part... still no crib, but that will come after she gets here, because she will be sleeping in a bassinet in our room for the first little while. So, now we wait. I was kindly hoping that she would evict herself before now, or maybe shortly here into the New Year, but we will see. She has become quite the little romper room fetus, and I think I can safely send back my Doppler now!!! I had on OB appointment last Thursday, and I was checked internally, fingertip dilated, and like 25% effaced... so not much going on for all the discomfort I have been having. Hopefully this Thursdays exam will have some progress that I can report, I pray that it does anyway, because I am DONE... COOKED... STICK ME ALREADY!! :o)

P.S. I want all of the people out there in BlogLand who are still struggling with Infertility of any kind to know that I wish for your dreams and desires to come true this coming year. Keep fighting that fight with all your heart!!!


Samantha said...

It is your blog, and as I've posted on my blog before, I don't think women pregnant after infertility should sugar-coat things for the sake of others. That said, from my perspective, it is kind of weird to think that I crave something that I know makes most women miserable... But pregnancy isn't the point, building your family is. I don't think that having a tough pregnancy will have any bearing on whether you'll be a good mom (you already are to Kent) or whether you'll love your baby. I guess it would be nice if the experience had been better for you, but it was what it was, and I don't think that makes you a worse person for it!

Hang in there in the final days.

Heidi said...

Pregnancy was awful for me too, but the bad parts quickly faded in my memory once the baby arrived. If the anger doesn't pass, maybe you should talk to a professional about it. I felt angry when my birth experience didn't live up to the fantasy I had, and it really helped to talk to a therapist so I could let it go and enjoy my baby. Hang in there, it will soon be over!