Hmmmmm.........

That is how I am feeling today... L*pron is making me soooo freaking tired, OK maybe it is the fact that I cut out almost all of my caffeine that is doing it, but DAMN I am tired all the time now!!

I am having tons and tons of apprehension about this cycle, and it grows worse everyday that I get closer to stims, which should be on Thursday. I am really trying to embrace the whole thing, but I remember my little friend OHSS all to well, and I am still scared of her!!! I really want IVF to work, but I have this little voice in the back of my head all the time telling me that I am stupid and that this isn't going to work either. I guess I got so used to hearing that voice all these years, that it is hard to drown the bitch out now. I feel fear and failure so close on my heels, and I am trying to outrun it with all that I have, but it just keeps creeping closer every time I think about it. I just wish that this was easy, hell I just wish all I had to do was have sex to get pregnant, but obviously that doesn't work. I guess my biggest fear is that IVF won't work, and then I will be left with nothing more to do. I have already said that another adoption is out for us, so that isn't an option. I know myself, and I just know that this failure will be all to hard for me to swallow, even though I have already accepted it, I will still be torn down when that time comes, and the grief floods over me.
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April 18

Well, I have been trying to finish this for 3 freaking days, and life just keeps getting in the way!!!

Work has been keeping me occupied along with trying to help a friend get into a house, that is done, and all I need now is for something else to come up.... yeah well tomorrow is my suppression check, and hopefully I will start stims. I have been trying very hard to have a positive attitude right now, and I think that I am getting there. Every morning I have been telling myself that THIS WILL WORK, and that in less then 3 weeks I will be pregnant... God willing!!!

I had a talk with Kent's teacher on Monday about this trip, and the fact that he will be on probation... she told me to keep my mouth shut and to try to help him get his grades up before midterms come out.... boy this is who I want teaching my kid... so then she tells me that if he doesn't then I am out $350.00!! Uh I don't think so!! She then goes on to tell me that they have made so many arraignments for Kent due to his wheelchair, yada yada yada, that I should just talk to his teachers and explain that I really need them to get his grades up??!! Well, I for one don't encourage my son to take advantage of the fact that he is handicapped, and I will not tell his teachers to give him grades that he didn't earn... I am so angry with her right now that I could slap her!!! He isn't mentally handicapped, and is in all advanced classes, I know the child isn't stupid, so why in the hell would I ask for special treatment because he is in a wheelchair?? I won't, and I will have a long talk with the principal if we don't go to let her know how unhappy I am with this whole situation. This is supposed to be an Honor Society, and the lead teacher wants me to be dishonest... hmmmmmm. That is just one of the things that had my blood boiling this week. The other being that I have had a lot of pain on my left side since starting the L*pron, and no one will let me come in to see what is going on, so I am praying that I don't have a cyst when I go in tomorrow, not to mention the fact that they are starting me on the same amount of stims, so I need to clarify that they are going to be watching me closer this time... I am just starting to freak out all over again... UGH!!

Well I will check in again tomorrow and let you know how it goes... that is if I can get here!! LOL I have to leave my house at 6:30 to get there by 8, and I am soooo not a morning person!!! UGH again!! Night!!!