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So far ... terrible headache, and the Ovaries were "making noise" all day long... I guess I am thinking that they are trying to pull the cyst stunt from October again, and get me canceled. If it goes on like this all weekend, I am gonna call the clinic Monday to let them know ... no sense it getting to day 14 and getting crushed. Maybe I am one of those people who can't take Lupron, although I searched this damned Internet, and was hard pressed to find anything noted about any other ovaries pulling what mine did. So, that further makes me wonder... UGH, this is how it starts ... the self doubt, good lord I hate doing this to myself, but it is like I can't help it. This cycle won't be any different then the rest of my life!!
I did something very premature the other day, and I think Clark was pretty mad about it, but didn't come right out and say it. See, I got a site sent to me that calculated the prospective due date of a child conceived during IVF. So I put in a date of Jan. 21 assuming that would be 10 days of stims, so that would prolly be ER day. Well, imagine my surprise when the due date was just off Clarks's by 4 days, I told him, and he was really irritated that I did that. Sometimes he is so hard to read.
I know that he wants to protect me, and I love that about him, but good lord what is it going to hurt to look something like that up?? I mean really it isn't like I went out and bought 3 grand worth of nursery furniture or something like that. But, I know that he knows that I will have that date stuck in my heart now..... Like I said this is the story of my life!!!
And So It Begins.......
So, I am now sitting here listening to my hubby snore like a madman due to the fact that, he who had no sympathy for me last week/end, is now so sick he is sleeping sitting up. I also just found out that 4 day old sushi is not a good idea either... YUCK!!!
I had this amazing post all typed up, and was about to hit send when the whole system shut down on me.... The freaking cat, who has taken to sleeping under the computer desk where the doxies used to be, just rolled right over on the damn surge protector and shut the damn thing off... CRAP!!! I should tell you his name is Satan for a reason.....
I hope that all of you had a very Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. As for me my Christmas was ok, nothing worth jumping all over about, just ok. I have been blessed with so many friends though, and getting cards from all of them is always so nice. The only bad thing this year was the lack of my intelligence to obviously inform EVERY person that got a card from me as to the "state of the union" because I got 3 cards today, and have 8 total in which I have been asked the "addition/s to the family" question. Now you would think that most of them would get the hint when they got a photocard that just had the 3 of us in it, and no letter making any announcements to the effect of an addition anytime soon. I blame myself for this though because up until I found out just how damn infertile I was, I wasn't worried about sharing my little problem, but now that IVF is being "forced" on me that freedom to discuss has changed. I just don't know how people will react to the path we have taken, and frankly I don't care, so I would rather just not give them a chance to piss me off!! I mean people have been outright disrespectful at the fact that we adopted an older, physically disabled child from the foster care system, and I was honestly shocked at the STUPID things people said to me ... including some members of my very own family. But hey they can all kiss my ass, that is MY SON, and I don't care how he came to me just that he is here (even if we do have a lot of bad days right now, I still love him with all my heart!!) and it is noones business why. So I guess I am just beginning to wish that I had never mentioned it at all, but then I would still be fending off dumbass questions anyway ... it is a Lose/Lose situation. I normally do a letter letting everyone know what has been going on this year, and since all that has happened in the last few months I really just didn't feel like doing one this year, I mean what will I start off with... Well, once again, the powers that be have denied us a biological child for yet another year.... Yeah that would have gotten some phone calls I can promise you!! So, for the sake of self preservation, I just decided that the card was going to be FINE this year w/o a letter.
So, on to the thought that Clark had yesterday in the kitchen.......
Him... Oh damn, I think that I have to renew my license this year don't I??
Me... Yeah I think they do the 5 year thing.. you know 25, 30, 35....
Him... Holy shit that means that I will be 35 this year... OMG I am sooo old!!
Me... yeah and you will hit that birthday before our prospective child, should this cycle pan out, be born....
Him... Holy shit I am really getting old........
I cannot tell which is more traumatic to him having to get a new license due to being 35, or the fact that he will be 35 period... I don't think the dad thing even got through to him!!! It just doesn't touch him like it touches me at all, and I don't think it ever will.
So X-mas day gave me a little slap in the face... I posted when my in-laws were here visiting about Clark's Niece being PG again, and I was really shocked to hear that they just found out the sex last week (Boy by the way). It was then that it hit me, she has been pregnant for quite awhile. My MIL dropped that bomb on me after I tried, in vain I am sure, to convince her that I like the sweatsuit she got me.... And then like 5 minutes later it hit me that she is a lot further along then I thought she was. Hmmmm that makes me sad. Only because it must be nice to get pregnant only 9/10 months after your first one was born, and you weren't even trying. I wish I had the luxury of not even trying. So, I guess that made my day a little bitter sweet.
I am sure that you can see that my level of excitement for this cycle is pretty low, infact I am getting edgier by the day. Tomorrow morning starts the lupron again, and I am just crossing my fingers that this time the crap does what it is supposed to do!! I do want this to work, but I have got to stay sane with the thought that is probably won't just so that I keep from being crushed beyond repair. A friend asked me if I was tired of going through all this, and I told her that "No, I am not tired. I am so fucking exhausted I could care less at this point." So that is where I stand right now. 14 years has put a lot of hurt in my heart, and taken a lot out of my soul, so I guess when you fight this long, and finally start to get somewhere, the progress in itself seems so infinitesimal. It isn't that I don't care anymore, but for the sake of sanity, I have had to lower the bar that I used to hold my body to!! I am being positive, I swear, I just have to protect myself to.
So, I am off to bed as I am still not feeling very well, and I haven't been sleeping the last 2 nights either. Good Night.
Oh the time has flown... I have been so freaking busy this week I totally forgot to update....
Well the IVF nurse called me on Monday afternoon to tell me that our cycle was a go!! So on the 28th of December I start the Lupron, the 4th of January I take my last BCP (THANK GOD!!), and then the 11th of Jan. I start Stims... Pray like hell that this all works out or I may lose my mind!!! I had to go up on Tuesday to pick up the BCP's to get me the rest of the way til the 4th, and the office manager said I didn't look or sound very excited... I just smiled and told her that I was practicing self preservation!!! I am excited, but I refuse to get worked up anymore!! So that is it on that front for now.....
My van got fixed, but I almost blew a gasget when they made me pay for the rental... I was like WTF?? You have never made me pay ever before, so what is this now??? The repairs were covered under the warrenty, so I didn't expect to have to pay for a rental. I was so freaking hot I payed it but I am going to call the corperate office and let them know that is total BS.... Esp since it took them 4 days to figure out there was even anything wrong with the damn van in the first place!!! ASSHOLES!! UGH.
So Christmas will be here in just over 30 hours, and I am soooo looking forward to it being over. I have not felt it this year, even worse then last year... infact we just put our tree up last night... And that had everything to do with Clark.... I guess I better get with the program huh?? It is just so hard to feel anything other then miserable.
I have spent most of the last 4 days laying on the couch sick as a dog anyway, so I guess that gives me a little out. I have a chest/sinus thing going on, and actually started getting a fever yesterday. Then last night my ears and throat started hurting really bad... I just hope that I feel better by the time we get up X-mas morning.
There is a lot going on in my head that I will tell you about in a day or so.... but for right now it is better left unsaid....
Well, ok, so I never heard back from the docs about the kidney thing until Friday... they still are very unsure as to how and when to proceed, so I am stuck in limbo again. Hopefully I will hear somethng by Monday afternoon.
My van is in the shop, so that nixed my planned trip this weekend because I cannot take Kent anywhere in the rental car that I have. His wheelchair doesn't fold up anymore, and this trip involved 15 hours of driving. Needless to say he is pretty frusterated and upset with his mom right now, but hey he will get over it, these things were beyond my control.
I emailed the IVF nurse on Thursday night and she emailed me back Friday saying that Dr B was in surgery and that she would call me on Monday to let me know what she said. I have to call the Bus. office on Monday to get our reapproval rolling, so that it is ready. She told me that I would prolly be a go because I won't hit the closure date with the lab, so in a small sense I am getting excited, but I am dreading this whole thing getting started again. It is to weird because I have looked forward to this for as long as I can remember, but the last few months since surgery and DX seemed to have skewed my perceptions of everything that life has to hold. I am not sure of anything anymore, and it bothers me that my heart isn't in this in the way that it used to be. I spoke a few posts ago of a decision that I had come to reguarding all of this, and there it goes:
If we do these 3 IVF's, and still end up w/o a baby at the end, then we are done. No adoption, no foster care, no more treatments. Done. That was my decision. We have Kent, and in just a few years he will be going off to college and we will be empty-nesters. At this point with all tha has gone on in the last few months I am fine with this. I am getting to old (in my own opinion) to keep up this adventure. I want to go back to school, and travel with my husband. I have already had a very long time to mourn my fertility, so that isn't even going to be an issue if we don't get pregnant. I have accepted that I will in most likelyhood not walk away from this with a child, but that is ok with me honestly. I have delt with it, and I am prepared for it. With that being said..... today is CD9, and I should be starting Lupron on the 29th of this month barring any unforseen circumstances!! But then we all know that this is me I am talking about.......
Felt like an ass because someone had something you wanted, and it made you so jealous that you were shocked with yourself?? Well I have been like that because an old friend of mine has just adopted for the second time, and with such amazing ease that I could just scream. Not that she doesn't deserve to be happy, but just because it seems to be so flawless for her. She told me once before the cries of the first little cutie pulled us apart, that she never planned on doing the adoption thing again, that being a mother wasn't what she thought it was going to be, and that she just couldn't see doing it ever again. So then you explain to me why it is that just short months after arriving in a country that doesn't generally allow adoption to foreigners that she is the proud mother of a newborn baby?? When I got that email it stopped me cold before I opened it. It had been almost 6 months since we had last exchanged 4 sentence emails in which I found out that she was off into the world again, and it was a group email at that to which I responded. So here I sit mad at her, and mad at myself for being mad. How crappy is that??
It kills me because I am a good person, I do everything that I can for others, yet I cannot get my hands on the prize. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE Kent with all that I have, and all that I am, but I long so much to be able to hold a baby in my arms, full of the future with all of us in it. I long to shape that little life into something great, and up until this point, I have been denied that by everyone, including my very own body. So that is where I stand. I love my friend dearly, I miss her, and all of the late night talks we had, but she has acquired for the second time the quintessential thing that will inevitably split two friends who share infertility. A newborn baby.
