Happy birthday, sweet Hailey.
4 days ago
August 31, 2005
Almost there....
Well today is the day that I go for the results of my tests. Clark is going to go with me. My stomach has been in knots for 2 days. To say that I am not scared to death would be a lie. I have to be there at 2:45 this afternoon and I have to leave even earlier cuz they are working on the roads here. BB is at the vet getting treated for heartworms, and I am going to stop and see her on the way up to VA or home. I am so worried about her, and just want her to be ok. I guess I will get off of here and get ready to go, it might take me awhile to get up the courage to even leave the house!!
August 27, 2005
Return to Normal???
Well, it has been a few days since I got on-line because I have just been in a state of trying to deal with my feelings. I called on Tuesday and talked to the kids' workers supervisor, first because I had to tell her that I couldn't attend any of the training that they had this week for funding of special needs placements, and then I told her what happened the day before when I talked to the other worker. I get through the whole thing, and she busts this on me "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that she just told you yesterday (Monday) that you guys weren't getting the kids??" I said "Yes, that was the first I have heard of it why?" She says "I knew 3 WEEKS AGO that they weren't placing them with you" I went off!!! That means that they knew a week after we were supposed to get the kids on that Friday, and NOONE bothered to say anything. I told the supervisor that I was totally devastated, and that basically it was "on." She said that she was going to find out just what had happened, and that maybe the other worker didn't tell know how to tell me. I told her that was a freaking cop out and she knew it because I am an adult, and they tell people everyday that they are taking their kids away, so she knew how to say it she just didn't have the GUTS!! I mean it takes up to 2 weeks to put together a placement agreement, so she has known for at least that long that she wasn't giving them to us. So, the Sup. says she has a meeting with the boss that afternoon, and she would call me back ... hmm it is Saturday, think I have gotten that call?? NOPE!! They went to court Wendsday, and I don't know what happened, but I sat on the porch last night looking at the stars, and thinking that "my babies" were going to sleep in someone else's home last night, and I just cried. I talked to our adoption attorney yesterday and got some advice, I will follow it first, but he seems to think that we won't be able to find a lawyer that would take our case, and that we should just deal with it with DSS and save ourselves some money, what do you girls think?? I mean there has to be some civil lawyer out there who would want to fight for us?? I am not a sue happy person, but they don't have a clue what they have done to our family, and I want to make them acknowledge what they did to us. I didn't realize just how far the impact extended until my step mom called me all excited and asked if we had gotten the kids, when I told her no, she was hurt. Then I went back to the woman who donated 5 bags of her daughters clothes to us for the girls, and asked her if she wanted the clothes back, and when I told her what happened she went off. It was then that she told me just how excited her daughter was that she was going to have playmates her age, and how disappointed she was when she found out they weren't coming. See there are only 3 kids on our street, and she was so looking forward to having someone else around to play with. UGH. So I am going to request a meeting with the supervisor, and the asst. director of DSS, and give them holy hell. Clark said we need to find a way to force them into giving us the kids, I didn't realize how freaking hurt he was either, and I told him that I didn't want to, and shouldn't have to do it that way. All I know is that my heart is so totally broken right now, that it is gonna take a very long time to heal. I mean that woman SHOVED those kids down my throat for months, showed me pictures of them, told me that they looked like I had given birth to them, and that her ultimate goal was for us to adopt them. Then she calls me acting cold as a fish, and breaks my heart.... Well, I am not one to sit back and take something like that in stride since that makes it 4 times this year they have called me about a child, and then backpedaled!! I told the supervisor that I was done with them!! Ok, enough, I am getting pissed all over again!!
On another note, Thursday was my mammogram, and U/S and I was scared out of my mind. I had to be there at 1:30, I wish the doc would have given me something to calm my nerves, cuz my stomach kept me up all night, and was flipping all out that AM to, not to mention my heart was racing to!! I am so praying that this is gonna be nothing, and that I can get through the rest of the weekend, and then the follow-up on the 31st without falling apart. I have already cried twice this morning, and my nerves are shot!! So wish me luck, and throw me a little prayer!!
Kent officially became a 7th grader thursday morning. He was up and out of bed at 5:30 because he was so excited!!! I am so very proud of my little man, he even fixed his own hair all cute and spiky!! I am just praying thathe will do as good with his grades this year as he did last year. He went to the first dance of the year last night, and has a new girlfriend now to, so he is on cloud 9. I get such a charge out of watching him get so excited over stuff like that, he is so cute!!
Some of my friends have been telling me to get over not getting the kids, and move on. Frankly I have to say that I am totally offended, but then I expect it from people who have kids already of their own. Even some of the infertility girls are saying it to, but frankly, I totally feel like they(DSS) owe me an explaination or something, and I am not going to let it die. You can't just go around crushing people like that, and then expect to just walk away from the whole thing unscathed. I am going to call on Monday, and let them know that I talked to an attorney, and request a meeting with them before I move on with it.
I took some dogs to the vet on friday, and S needs to have surgery on her foot, and had hook worms, but other then that they all got clean bills of health. I was happy, but not looking forward to the next few months when we have to pay for the surgery, and getting 2 of them fixed, not to mention that I think J is pregnant... not to sure though, got to see what she does. No belly on her yet, but her mommie didn't pop out til she was 2 weeks away from having them. UGH, I wasn't trying to have anymore pups in this house!!
Oh well. I am gonna head out, I am tired, and want to hit the sack......
On another note, Thursday was my mammogram, and U/S and I was scared out of my mind. I had to be there at 1:30, I wish the doc would have given me something to calm my nerves, cuz my stomach kept me up all night, and was flipping all out that AM to, not to mention my heart was racing to!! I am so praying that this is gonna be nothing, and that I can get through the rest of the weekend, and then the follow-up on the 31st without falling apart. I have already cried twice this morning, and my nerves are shot!! So wish me luck, and throw me a little prayer!!
Kent officially became a 7th grader thursday morning. He was up and out of bed at 5:30 because he was so excited!!! I am so very proud of my little man, he even fixed his own hair all cute and spiky!! I am just praying thathe will do as good with his grades this year as he did last year. He went to the first dance of the year last night, and has a new girlfriend now to, so he is on cloud 9. I get such a charge out of watching him get so excited over stuff like that, he is so cute!!
Some of my friends have been telling me to get over not getting the kids, and move on. Frankly I have to say that I am totally offended, but then I expect it from people who have kids already of their own. Even some of the infertility girls are saying it to, but frankly, I totally feel like they(DSS) owe me an explaination or something, and I am not going to let it die. You can't just go around crushing people like that, and then expect to just walk away from the whole thing unscathed. I am going to call on Monday, and let them know that I talked to an attorney, and request a meeting with them before I move on with it.
I took some dogs to the vet on friday, and S needs to have surgery on her foot, and had hook worms, but other then that they all got clean bills of health. I was happy, but not looking forward to the next few months when we have to pay for the surgery, and getting 2 of them fixed, not to mention that I think J is pregnant... not to sure though, got to see what she does. No belly on her yet, but her mommie didn't pop out til she was 2 weeks away from having them. UGH, I wasn't trying to have anymore pups in this house!!
Oh well. I am gonna head out, I am tired, and want to hit the sack......
August 22, 2005
The Universe....
As I sit here contimplating the fate of the Universe.... (Note to self... Bad idea when consuming Bacardi 151) I am hating life in general today..... I spoke before about the sibling group that we were waiting on well today this happened....
You know after Friday's doctor appointment I just new nothing else could go wrong in my life... I was SOOO WRONG. After calling and leaving 5 messages for the worker of the sib group that were are waiting to get, I asked our Adoption worker to hunt her down and ask her to call me. They are going to court on Wensday, and I was going to be up that way already, so I thought I might tag along with her to see what the judge decides to do. Well, 15 minutes after I get off the phone with my worker, the kids' worker calls me and tell me this... "I have been meaning to call you" she asked how I was and I told her briefly about Friday, and why I was calling, so then she proceeds to tell me this... "Well, I hate to tell you this, but you don't meed to come to court, and you won't be getting the kids. We decided that we need to keep them instate to better deal with their needs, and frankly, the fact that you live in another state has pretty much put you out of the running for any other foster kids from here. We have found an appropriate home for all 3 of the kids together, the family has agreed to take them, and they have already signed the placement agreement." I was so dumbfounded I just said ok well what do you want me to do with all of the stuff that has been donated to us for them?? I know that you said they didn't have much. She tells me almost rudely "Well I am sure there are resources there in your state that could use them, but if you INSIST on bringing them up, I will make sure the kids get them. Again, I am sorry to have to tell you this, I have to go, have a nice day."
END OF FREAKING CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you even believe this crap?? I mean I have literally had my life on hold for over a month waiting for the 24th, and it takes at least 2 weeks to do a placement agreement, so why did they wait until this morning, after I had someone chase her ass down, to call and tell me this??? I am so done with that agency that I left a message for the department head to call me, and I am going to tell her that I no longer want to foster any of their kids EVER. This is the 3rd time in the last 3 months they have pulled this crap on me, and I am so done with it. I would rather do IF treatments for the rest of my natural life and have all of them fail, then to have to go through another day like today again. I am going to make some phone calls as to the legality of what they have done to, and even if I can't get them on legality, I may go for morality. Every one of those workers in that office knows what we have been through with Kent, and IF, and this is like a slap in the damn face. I am so mad and broken hearted, I spent most of this afternoon crying on the phone with Clark... How can they do this to me??? Sorry I am just so upset right now I am literally sick to my stomach. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I just HAD to get that all off my chest!!!
First off let me explain the friday appointment... in short my PCP thinks that I have Breast Cancer, and I go in on the 25th for a diagnostic Mammogram, and ultrasound with asperation, and I am scared out of my wits, so then this crap happens today, and not to mention that I found out one of my sweet Furries has Heart Worms last wensday to.
So needless to say I have had a crappy week, and I am really hating life in general right now, I mean if I was a little less of a person I would think that maybe God has it out for me, and to tell you the truth my heart is begining to lean in this general direction. I mean isn't it bad enough that I am infertile?? I hope that in the end I will look back at this day and laugh, but I hardly think that is going to happen... what have I done that is so freaking bad that I have to have all this shit in my life?? I would like to think that I have lived my life as the Man would want, but still I get kicked every single time I am down... what is up with that?? I just feel like right now I cannot catch a break, and I am very frankly getting sick of it... say a little prayer for me because I am not sure I have the strength left for this!!!
You know after Friday's doctor appointment I just new nothing else could go wrong in my life... I was SOOO WRONG. After calling and leaving 5 messages for the worker of the sib group that were are waiting to get, I asked our Adoption worker to hunt her down and ask her to call me. They are going to court on Wensday, and I was going to be up that way already, so I thought I might tag along with her to see what the judge decides to do. Well, 15 minutes after I get off the phone with my worker, the kids' worker calls me and tell me this... "I have been meaning to call you" she asked how I was and I told her briefly about Friday, and why I was calling, so then she proceeds to tell me this... "Well, I hate to tell you this, but you don't meed to come to court, and you won't be getting the kids. We decided that we need to keep them instate to better deal with their needs, and frankly, the fact that you live in another state has pretty much put you out of the running for any other foster kids from here. We have found an appropriate home for all 3 of the kids together, the family has agreed to take them, and they have already signed the placement agreement." I was so dumbfounded I just said ok well what do you want me to do with all of the stuff that has been donated to us for them?? I know that you said they didn't have much. She tells me almost rudely "Well I am sure there are resources there in your state that could use them, but if you INSIST on bringing them up, I will make sure the kids get them. Again, I am sorry to have to tell you this, I have to go, have a nice day."
END OF FREAKING CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you even believe this crap?? I mean I have literally had my life on hold for over a month waiting for the 24th, and it takes at least 2 weeks to do a placement agreement, so why did they wait until this morning, after I had someone chase her ass down, to call and tell me this??? I am so done with that agency that I left a message for the department head to call me, and I am going to tell her that I no longer want to foster any of their kids EVER. This is the 3rd time in the last 3 months they have pulled this crap on me, and I am so done with it. I would rather do IF treatments for the rest of my natural life and have all of them fail, then to have to go through another day like today again. I am going to make some phone calls as to the legality of what they have done to, and even if I can't get them on legality, I may go for morality. Every one of those workers in that office knows what we have been through with Kent, and IF, and this is like a slap in the damn face. I am so mad and broken hearted, I spent most of this afternoon crying on the phone with Clark... How can they do this to me??? Sorry I am just so upset right now I am literally sick to my stomach. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I just HAD to get that all off my chest!!!
First off let me explain the friday appointment... in short my PCP thinks that I have Breast Cancer, and I go in on the 25th for a diagnostic Mammogram, and ultrasound with asperation, and I am scared out of my wits, so then this crap happens today, and not to mention that I found out one of my sweet Furries has Heart Worms last wensday to.
So needless to say I have had a crappy week, and I am really hating life in general right now, I mean if I was a little less of a person I would think that maybe God has it out for me, and to tell you the truth my heart is begining to lean in this general direction. I mean isn't it bad enough that I am infertile?? I hope that in the end I will look back at this day and laugh, but I hardly think that is going to happen... what have I done that is so freaking bad that I have to have all this shit in my life?? I would like to think that I have lived my life as the Man would want, but still I get kicked every single time I am down... what is up with that?? I just feel like right now I cannot catch a break, and I am very frankly getting sick of it... say a little prayer for me because I am not sure I have the strength left for this!!!
August 5, 2005
Been Busy...
Well, I have had a ruff 2 weeks. We can't adopt from Korea, and we decided to go with Guatumaula instead, well I had to go to DSS the day after we decided this, and one of the workers that I had spoken to in April about foster/adopting a sibling group of 3 came up to me, and told me that they were removing the kids that coming friday. Well, I go home freaking out cuz it is tuesday and I only have 4 days to get ready for them. I called all of my friends, and stuff came rolling in. The worker told me that she didn't think the kids had much in the way of clothes or toys, so I now have a room full of stuff, and it was 2 weeks today... and needless to say I have no kids. The woman that they are living with has been whining for months that she wanted the kids removed, and CPS got a call from the birth family that the little boy had burns all over him, well when they went to look at them, they took the kids to the local childrens hospital, and come to find out along with the burns they all had infected flea bites. So CPS was trying to get her to sign the kids over voluntarily, by kinda scaring her with the the fact that depending on how the investigation went that she may even lose her kids. Well now she has decided that she wants to keep them... go freaking figure!! So I have to hang out and wait for August 24th when they actaully go to court. They have already started our interstate papers, so that is good. The worker says that she really wants us to ultimately adopt these kids, and while I would love to, I have been through almost 4 years of hell with Kent as far as the adoption process goes, so I will keep breathing if you know what I mean. So, our lives right now as far as the international adoption is in a holding pattern. I was really devistated when she called me though, and to be honest with you it has taken me this long to sorta bounce back. I guess it was so hard on me because that was the 3rd time in a month that they had told me that they had a kid for us, and then had to back out. The one before the 3, they didn't even call to tell me that the mom of a new born boy that they called me about had changed her mind in the middle of the night. I have to tell you it is really stressful dealing with DSS sometimes. I know that they have their rules, and the goal of the agency is for family reunification, but why do they have to yank the foster parents around so damn much. UGH. So I have been filling my time with yardwork, and feeling sorry for myself. I want to get a job, but then I would hate to have to quit if we do get the kids, so I have been holding off on that one for now. I am also thinking of starting to sell an idea that I had on EBay, so just incase we go on with our international adoption, I will fund it that way, along with some savings.
Other then that, Kent is still grounded, and refuses to comply with the rules that we had for him to get off, so he will stay grounded until he can get it together. I know that might seem a little hard, but these are things that we have been working on since we have had him. He knows the rules, and refuses to follow them, so that is the consequence. He goes back to school on the 25th, and that will be kinda nice!! I know that he is looking forward to going back, and has already talked about how he is going to have to work hard this year to maintain his honor roll. I am so proud of how far he has come since we have had him, that I could just cry. I really think that he is going to do something with his life other then sit and feel sorry for himself all day long. It is so nice to know that as foster parents that we have done something right since you hear sooo many horror stories about foster families, and how they treat the kids they care for, but there are good foster families out there who really love the kids that they care for!! I even saw the Montel show today, and it was about horrible foster homes... I really didn't like that show at all, and I admire him so very much. I know that there are families out there who do those things, but what about a show to let people know about the amazing families out there?? Oh well, I guess I just see things differently the some people.
Well, I guess that is it for tonight, I am going to go have a little night cap, and get ready for the weekend.... more yardwork if it doesn't rain tomorrow, and we are gonna hit the Bull Bash in town tomorrow night if it stays nice.
Other then that, Kent is still grounded, and refuses to comply with the rules that we had for him to get off, so he will stay grounded until he can get it together. I know that might seem a little hard, but these are things that we have been working on since we have had him. He knows the rules, and refuses to follow them, so that is the consequence. He goes back to school on the 25th, and that will be kinda nice!! I know that he is looking forward to going back, and has already talked about how he is going to have to work hard this year to maintain his honor roll. I am so proud of how far he has come since we have had him, that I could just cry. I really think that he is going to do something with his life other then sit and feel sorry for himself all day long. It is so nice to know that as foster parents that we have done something right since you hear sooo many horror stories about foster families, and how they treat the kids they care for, but there are good foster families out there who really love the kids that they care for!! I even saw the Montel show today, and it was about horrible foster homes... I really didn't like that show at all, and I admire him so very much. I know that there are families out there who do those things, but what about a show to let people know about the amazing families out there?? Oh well, I guess I just see things differently the some people.
Well, I guess that is it for tonight, I am going to go have a little night cap, and get ready for the weekend.... more yardwork if it doesn't rain tomorrow, and we are gonna hit the Bull Bash in town tomorrow night if it stays nice.
July 15, 2005
Been that long???
Wow I really didn't think it had been that long!!! Holy Cow!!! Well school is done. I passed. California is done. It SUCKED. Kent and I just got back from 2 weeks with my family in the midwest. It REALLY SUCKED!! Now I think I know why I am infertile.... God can't find a soul up there brave enough to take that bunch of lunatics on!! It was pretty hard on me because both of my brothers are on my shit list now, and for totally different reasons. I have mixed feelings about the words that have been exchanged, and they both really know how to totally distroy my heart. I went out mostly to spend time with my mother as she is going to have surgery soon to remove some ovarian tumors, and I think that there is a very good chance that she has cancer, but she on the other hand refuses to even admit that there is a chance that it what it is. She actually should have had surgery weeks ago, but she refuses to do it until her business slows down for the fall. I tink that she is being totally selfish, and not even really condidering what her husband and her kids are going through while she takes her sweet time going in. I mean this is the woman who harped on me EVERY single time there was a test or anything that I needed medically, and now she won't even live by the same rules. I guess I just get so totally frusterated!!
So any way, the good thing about my trip was that I got a lot closer to my step mom, and I totally realize how hard it must be for her to be in a country so far away from her family. She is from Korea, and I think she is a very amazing woman... especially since she has put up with my father for so many years. I was angry at a lot of my extended family sinece for the most part none of them would have anything to do with her. Made me pretty sick to admit that I was related to them. She even went out of her way to make a very special meal for them, and most of them wouldn't even eat it. I guess that they all just showed me why I was ok with the fact that it had been 10 years or more since I had seen most of them... and probably will be 10 or more til the next time. I also didn't much care for the way that they treated Kent... it wasn't blatent, but I saw it when they left him out, and he was sitting away from all of them, it was almost like they thought they were gonna get something and endup in a wheelchair if they got to close. SAD :o( He and I had a few close moments, some stressful ones to, but for the most part this was a better trip as far as our rlationship was concerned!! It was nice to hear him say that he loved Clark and I and that he wouldn't have the life that he has if it wasn't for us... but he was right back to the same old kid as soon as we got home, and he is already grounded!! Didn't take long.
On a side note... mostly cuz I don't want to get to excited... my step mother has decided that she is going to enlist her family in Korea to try to help us adopt a little girl. I don't know what she is up to, and how long it will take, but in the years I have been dealing with DSS I have learned to have the patients of a SAINT!! So right now I am just going to apply for a passport, and sit back and roll with the punches. We should be done with our adoption with Kent in the next month or so, that will be a weight off my shoulders. It has really been a very long time coming, so it will be very nice to have it done and over with so that we can get on with our lives!!
I have been sick since we got back from our trip... actually most of the time that I was gone to, and it just has gotten worse. so this will be it for tonight, I won't even say that I am going to try to update more, cuz that seems to be a bad idea!! I really do think that I am going to try to use this as more of an outlet to put my feelings on paper so to speak, mostly because I don't get such a mixed bag of nasty opinions in return about how I deal with things in my life!! Have a great night!!
So any way, the good thing about my trip was that I got a lot closer to my step mom, and I totally realize how hard it must be for her to be in a country so far away from her family. She is from Korea, and I think she is a very amazing woman... especially since she has put up with my father for so many years. I was angry at a lot of my extended family sinece for the most part none of them would have anything to do with her. Made me pretty sick to admit that I was related to them. She even went out of her way to make a very special meal for them, and most of them wouldn't even eat it. I guess that they all just showed me why I was ok with the fact that it had been 10 years or more since I had seen most of them... and probably will be 10 or more til the next time. I also didn't much care for the way that they treated Kent... it wasn't blatent, but I saw it when they left him out, and he was sitting away from all of them, it was almost like they thought they were gonna get something and endup in a wheelchair if they got to close. SAD :o( He and I had a few close moments, some stressful ones to, but for the most part this was a better trip as far as our rlationship was concerned!! It was nice to hear him say that he loved Clark and I and that he wouldn't have the life that he has if it wasn't for us... but he was right back to the same old kid as soon as we got home, and he is already grounded!! Didn't take long.
On a side note... mostly cuz I don't want to get to excited... my step mother has decided that she is going to enlist her family in Korea to try to help us adopt a little girl. I don't know what she is up to, and how long it will take, but in the years I have been dealing with DSS I have learned to have the patients of a SAINT!! So right now I am just going to apply for a passport, and sit back and roll with the punches. We should be done with our adoption with Kent in the next month or so, that will be a weight off my shoulders. It has really been a very long time coming, so it will be very nice to have it done and over with so that we can get on with our lives!!
I have been sick since we got back from our trip... actually most of the time that I was gone to, and it just has gotten worse. so this will be it for tonight, I won't even say that I am going to try to update more, cuz that seems to be a bad idea!! I really do think that I am going to try to use this as more of an outlet to put my feelings on paper so to speak, mostly because I don't get such a mixed bag of nasty opinions in return about how I deal with things in my life!! Have a great night!!
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