January 1, 2011

Grief Interupted...

I have always know that I was not a lucky person. Good things don't happen to me, I have to Make them happen for me.

When I got pregnant with my daughter it was an accumulation of almost 15 years of my life spent trying for just that one chance to parent a biological child. 15 years of crying myself to sleep and begging God and/or the powers that be to just give me a chance to know the feeling of a child moving in tune to my heart, sharing my body, and then sharing the rest of my life. I didn't get lucky when I got pregnant, I worked my ass off to get pregnant. I have never for one minute taken any job more seriously then the one that I undertook when I started trying to fulfil my dream of motherhood. I did it all, IUI's IVF's, FET's. It wasn't easy, it was heartbreaking. It was a very lonely road to walk because most if not all of my IRL friends were as fertile as the spring. But, I worked hard, and I got what I wanted.

So, imagine my surprise when twice this year, I mearly had sex with my husband at just the right time, and conceived two little miracles. No one can imagine the pain that has settled in my soul at losing those two little lives, unless they have been there. Do I consider myself lucky that I got pregnant on my own? Hell no. Look how that turned out for me. I have two deep gashes in my heart and soul that will never heal. I will forever wonder what those two lives could have become, what potential they carried in their cells. I will never feel the movement under my heart. I will never hear their first cries, smell their hair, or hold their tiny little hands in mine. I will never get to watch them do any firsts, or watch Lauryn play with her missing siblings. I have lost a lifetime of memories with two people I didn't even know, and it will never stop hurting for as long as I live.

I guess where I am going with this is to respond to a comment on my last post. I count my blessings everyday of my life, and I never expected to hear someone tell me on my blog to do just that, because some people aren't even lucky enough to have one baby... I know that. I know all about listening to women sob who can't have, or don't have a child, and feeling my heart breaking for them. I sat on the fence for almost half of my life, I NEVER take my daughter for granted. I only have that little girl because I fought my ass off for her, and to say or suggest that I don't know what I have is just, well, asinine. I realize that you may not have meant it like I am taking it, but really, I am gutted right now from the disaster that has been my life for the last year, not to mention the last week, and then you want to utter a phrase that truly discounts my current grief, I don't appreciate it.

I won't play the pain game here because I know that you can't get past where you are in your IF journey, and I totally understand that. But I can tell you that from where I stand secondary infertility has been harder on me then the whole of my journey to my daughter. I KNOW what I am missing now, and I feel like a junky sometimes in my need to get that back. It is a desire that honestly beats out my initial one to have a child period. Ask anyone trying for a second or even third after a fierce battle with infertility, and I bet you will hear the same answer more then once.

So PLEASE do not think that I do not cherish every minute with my daughter with ever fiber of my being, I do. I also however hold every conception that I have close to my heart, and love each one with my whole soul. Just allow me to grieve this loss as you would allow any normal person the same consideration, I am no different because I am Infertile.

13 comments:

Jem said...

You don't have to explain yourself. Your pain is your pain. Your feelings are yours and valid and don't take anything away from those of us suffering from "primary IF"

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you can get PG again.

Cajun Cutie said...

hugs

andrea said...

huge hugs

missohkay said...

I saw that comment and was surprised too. You lost a life - it's a big deal. Many people who aren't even trying to get pregnant are devastated when they miscarry, let alone someone who wants it desperately. I'm glad you took the time to respond and I'm sorry someone kicked you while you were down.

Tutu said...

Wow! That was very powerful. As a person who has also had two miscarriages, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have heard those same words, even from my own husband. I know he was just looking for a way to comfort me, but it was no comfort at all. Like I told him, I have two sisters. If, God forbid, one of them died, should I just say, "Eh it's ok, I still have one more"? I don't think so. Those babies were just as real to me as the ones I have here on earth, and unless you have been through it, there is no way you can understand the pain and the depth of loss.

~Jess said...

*hugs* Just because you have one beautiful child, should never mean that you're not allowed to mourn the loss of other children. i'm sorry about the other commenter.

Rhonda said...

Well said. Hugs to you, my friend!

girlranting said...

Erica,

I know it was my comment that hurt you, and trust me when I say I wasn't trying to minimize your grief or imply that you can't (or shouldn't) mourn your lost babies. I would never do that.
I won't even try to explain what I meant right now because I might not get my point across the way I truly mean it and don't want to hurt you any more than I already have, albeit unwittingly. Please just know that I sincerely wish things could be different, and that you could get what your heart wishes so badly.
I never meant to hurt you, and I apologize.

Kristin said...

Honey...I am so damned sorry. I was really hoping I would be able to celebrate this with you.

Lots and lots of {{{hugs}}} and don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel as bad because you were lucky enough to have one child.

Much love my friend.

Carrie said...

Frankly, it pisses me off that you even feel like you have to defend yourself!!! That is B.S. You have every right in the world to mourn the loss of these two angels...they are your babies too!!! ((((hugs)))

Michele said...

Loving our living children doesnt negate grieving those who have died, regardless of how long they lived in the womb or in our arms. I'm sorry someone felt the need to imply otherwise.
Thank you for you support on my blog, as we go through a similar situation with you.
Many hugs...

raisingmiles said...

big hugs to you

chris said...

I totally get that Erica....even now. It was 26 years on Dec.31 that I lost my first son and although I went on to have twin sons that are my entire world, I can't help but wonder about what could've been had my first son lived. I wanted more children after my twins but that was not to be. I grieve for that loss as well and what could have been. No one has to understand it, right or wrong, it's MY grief.....just acknowledge it,that's all I ask. I ask myself now, that after all these years, do people question why I still grieve for my first son? I don't know if anyone thinks it's strange, no one has said anything. But I wonder if I will need to justify the loss I still feel and then I think....if you lost a parent or a sibling, wouldn't the grief still be there as well years later? I really think people still feel that the loss of a child during pregnancy at any stage is somehow different. As if because the child never "lived" a life nothing is lost. Hopefully I'm wrong. A child lost during pregnacny may have not "lived" a life as we know it but it's life has been lived and planned out in our hearts and minds. How can that be wrong and how can anyone just sweep that under the rug? That little life meant something, if only to you and your spouse. No explanations needed, your pain is real......I know. Love ya sweetie!!!!!