Letting Go...

Keith and I came to our decision on Monday night. We talked on Friday for about an hour, and then I told him that we should each mull everything over and bring our concerns back to the table when it was a good time.

That time was Monday night.

We feel it is time to let the totcicles go, and to find a new home for them. I just don't feel that my body can do them justice, and they deserve better then that. I am ok with this decision, not because I Know I will get pregnant on my own, but I was beginning to feel as though we were beating a dead horse.... my uterus apparently wants nothing to do with lab created embryo's.

Keith broke it down for me by the numbers, and he makes a lot of sense really. We have transferred 13 really good embryo's, and of the 13 only one made it out. Those numbers aren't to great in the odds department.

Then we look at this last year, for whatever reason my body managed to pull out 2 pregnancies in less then 12 cycles. Now granted, it didn't result in a live baby either, but we feel like maybe, just maybe something is working its self out inside me. The reason I say this is because I have NEVER gotten pregnant on my own. We have been at this for 18 years in total, and I/My Body has never done anything it was expected to do.

So with this new ray of hope, and a little sadness about where to go with the totcicles, we will be moving on to Femera cycles with no assistance other then the meds.

It has been a mixed bag of emotions for me because I held on to the hope that those would be the ones, and now I am hoping and praying that for some other couple they are. I wish nothing more then to have one or more of those little fellas make a family so very happy.

So we will actively be looking for an "Open Adoption" situation with a couple that is willing and ready to hopefully have one of our embryo's be the one that makes them parents. I am not going to give them to an agency or "bank" because I want to have at least some say so in the process, if not pick the recipient's myself. That may seem like a tall order, but I am looking out for the best interest of my embies, and their possible futures.

I have had thoughts the last few days that I am sure a lot of birth mothers must feel, only in a different way. I want nothing more to find a couple, and have them get pregnant, bring a baby home and fulfill a dream.

That is my dream for those little guys, a family who will love and care for them no matter where they came from. I honestly feel that they have a better chance at life with someone else.

On another note, I will be starting Femera with my next AF. I am scared at what this holds to be honest with you, it has been YEARS since I have done the simple stuff like this.... pop a few pills, get an u/s, have sex, and pray like hell!!! Gah, I just hope I am ready for all of the up's and downs that go along with this ride.