January 12, 2011

Letting Go...

Keith and I came to our decision on Monday night. We talked on Friday for about an hour, and then I told him that we should each mull everything over and bring our concerns back to the table when it was a good time.

That time was Monday night.

We feel it is time to let the totcicles go, and to find a new home for them. I just don't feel that my body can do them justice, and they deserve better then that. I am ok with this decision, not because I Know I will get pregnant on my own, but I was beginning to feel as though we were beating a dead horse.... my uterus apparently wants nothing to do with lab created embryo's.

Keith broke it down for me by the numbers, and he makes a lot of sense really. We have transferred 13 really good embryo's, and of the 13 only one made it out. Those numbers aren't to great in the odds department.

Then we look at this last year, for whatever reason my body managed to pull out 2 pregnancies in less then 12 cycles. Now granted, it didn't result in a live baby either, but we feel like maybe, just maybe something is working its self out inside me. The reason I say this is because I have NEVER gotten pregnant on my own. We have been at this for 18 years in total, and I/My Body has never done anything it was expected to do.

So with this new ray of hope, and a little sadness about where to go with the totcicles, we will be moving on to Femera cycles with no assistance other then the meds.

It has been a mixed bag of emotions for me because I held on to the hope that those would be the ones, and now I am hoping and praying that for some other couple they are. I wish nothing more then to have one or more of those little fellas make a family so very happy.

So we will actively be looking for an "Open Adoption" situation with a couple that is willing and ready to hopefully have one of our embryo's be the one that makes them parents. I am not going to give them to an agency or "bank" because I want to have at least some say so in the process, if not pick the recipient's myself. That may seem like a tall order, but I am looking out for the best interest of my embies, and their possible futures.

I have had thoughts the last few days that I am sure a lot of birth mothers must feel, only in a different way. I want nothing more to find a couple, and have them get pregnant, bring a baby home and fulfill a dream.

That is my dream for those little guys, a family who will love and care for them no matter where they came from. I honestly feel that they have a better chance at life with someone else.

On another note, I will be starting Femera with my next AF. I am scared at what this holds to be honest with you, it has been YEARS since I have done the simple stuff like this.... pop a few pills, get an u/s, have sex, and pray like hell!!! Gah, I just hope I am ready for all of the up's and downs that go along with this ride.


Stacie said...

Wow. What a huge decision. It sounds like you both have done a lot of thinking about it, too. I wish you all the best as you find a donor. May it be a process that is both rewarding and joyful for all of you!

Fingers crossed for your next cycle! When is AF due?

(As an aside. I can totally relate with worrying about the numbers. For us, we've transferred 22 good to excellent quality embies which equaled 5 pregnancies but only (hopefully) 2 pregnancies that stuck. Not the best odds for us, either.)

Michele said...

What a huge and beautiful decision... Hugs to you and your family.

astral said...

You are a beautiful person. I wish you all the best with your cycle!

Tabitha said...

That is a huge decision. Hugs to you for having to make it. I'm sorry fertility has always been an issue for you. I can't say that I know what you are going through because I do not. I do however understand the grieving of losing a child. Take time to grieve giving up your totcycles. Many prayers that this new journey brings new life to you and your husband quickly and without heartache!

libby @ ninesandquines said...

that is an ENORMOUS decision and i can imagine that it had to be a very VERY difficult one for you...bug, HUGE hugs coming your way...xoxo

Hopeful Mother said...

Hugs to you. It's hard to move on, but I think it's a good decision for you guys. Hoping things get a little bit easier and you have some luck on your own!

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

What a beautiful gift for another family.

Hugs to you as you process all that is going on.

Me and You, Just Us - Two. said...

Found your blog on a blog list.
Good luck to you and your husband. It sounds like you are making the best choice you can for your frozen embies and I wish you all the best.

KathleenSBass said...

Wow, what a huge decision! You are so strong and wonderful to make the decision to give life to these babies through someone who wants it as badly as you. I will keep the totsicles and you in our prayers.

Christy said...

That's huge, but good for you for working it out together and being at peace with your decision. I wish you the best as you keep trying.

I totally get your love for your embies and your desire for an open adoption. You may want to check out Snowflake in California. They aren't a bank, they are an adoption agency and biological parents make all the decisions. I have several friends who have adopted from there. Good luck!

Cajun Cutie said...

being hopeful for you

Anonymous said...

Good luck Sweetie. Like I said before, what's meant to be will always find a way.


Sahara said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so sorry to hear that you have come to this place. You know I didn't feel like my broken body was worth the risk. They were just too precious.