Hello?? Hello?? Anybody out there??

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have posted here that I had to clear cobwebs off my dashboard when I logged in!!

Wow, OK so since my last post in April there have been a lot of things that have happened, we went on a surprise trip to see my Grandparents for Easter, my grandmother truly had no idea that we were coming and the look on her face was priceless, of course then she says " You little shit I just talked to you on the phone yesterday and you didn't tell me you were coming." I told her that was kinda the point, it was a surprise. My granddad cried when we walked into the house, in all my years I have never seen that man shed a tear, but he cried and hugged me so hard I thought I was going to break in half!! There was a down side to the trip though that made it very hard on me, my grandmother has Alzheimer's. To see her disease progression since the last time I saw her broke my fucking heart. I am so hurt for her because she watched her mother die from this, so she know where she is going and she is just as scared as everyone else. I love her so much, and you can never imagine how hard it was for me to see this woman who raised me for some of my life, and who was so very strong, forget what she put in her shopping cart by the time she got to the the next isle. It kills me knowing that she is is going through this almost alone, and that there is nothing I am do to fix this for her. I am just very thankful for the time that I had with her, the fact that she got to watch Lauryn do her very firs Easter Egg hunt, was a big plus to. I guess that my work as a nursing assistant is a bad thing in this case, because I know what the disease progression is like, and frankly I hope she goes before it gets really bad, because I can't see her living in a nursing home, it would literally kill her.

So, then on the baby making front we were doing some femera cycles... yeah well none of them worked, and we have put baby making on hold because I have lost an obscene amount of weight, and Keith doesn't think that I am healthy enough to get pregnant right now. I am at 102 pounds.... now don't hate, because I used to weigh 262 pounds, so all that loose skin that looked just kinda bad at 140 pounds looks holocaust survivouresk on me now. I guess that has a lot to do with why I haven't blogged either, I have been so depressed and going through so much in my personal life that it was over whelming me, and I felt like I didn't even want to write, and that is bad because I have always Loved to write!! So, even having this outlet sort of taken away from me has made me feel out of sorts.

I have been having some really bad migraines, to the point where my pcp referred me to a neurologist, and sent me for an MRI. My migraines were getting so bad that I was taking so much medication that it was really messing with me, I was having memory issues, and sleepwalking all kinds of odd stuff, and then I had my car wreck. Yeah it was bad, and frankly I shouldn't be here typing this post, I rolled my car 4 times and hit a telephone pole, but my airbag didn't go off. Had it, my head would have been smashed like a pumpkin. I was actually swerving to avoid a deer, and ended up in a soybean field. There was a car in front of me who had seen everything, and she got out of her car and told me she had called 911 and that we had to get Lauryn out of the car. We tried to pull her door open, but it just wouldn't give, so we ran around, turned off the car, and opened the back passenger door. I got Lauryn out of her car seat, out of the car, wrapped my arms around her and sank to the ground bawling that she was ok. I on the other hand was not I had cuts all over my legs and arms from the windshield shattering, and the seat belt literally gave me a "road rash". They forced me to give Lauryn up and go lay on the road because I had a HUGE bump on my forehead, and the lady said she thought I probably had a concussion, so she wanted me to lay down until the ambulance got there. Ambulance comes, you know the drill.... back board all that fun shit, I had to call a friend to come up and get Lauryn so that she didn't have to go to the hospital with me (she was totally unharmed BTW, Thank God for Britax Car seats!!!), but I don't remember any of it honestly the last thing I remember is the part about getting Lauryn out of the car and being laid down on the road, everything after that.... fuzzy. I was in shock. So get cat scan slight concussion, here are some pain meds... yummy!!! :o) Then in comes the trooper to ask me what happened, I told him all I could tell him was I swerved to miss a deer, and that I remember the car rolling, and what I wrote above but that that was it. So, this Jackwagon asks me if I had had anything to drink before I left the house that morning, I told him yeah coffee, wasn't that what was all over the inside of my car. Then he asks if I was on drugs, I told him that I take medication for my migraines, but on mornings when I drop Lauryn off at preschool, I wait to take them til after I get home because of any possible effect they may have. Well about that time Keith shows up, the Trooper, pulls him out in the hall, tells him I was speeding, and that people smelled alcohol on my breath, and that my best friend had told him that I was on drugs (she was the one they released Lauryn to) and that I better pray that my tox screen comes back with only the meds the doc prescribed or he is going to get me for DUI..... whatever, I don't even drink, and I hadn't taken my meds that morning so it came back clean. I think he was actually pissed that it did, because he got in my face and asked me what I had learned for this experience, and I looked him square in the face and told him "Next time Bambi's ass is fucking Mine!!" The nurse that was checking my IV almost pissed her pants to keep from laughing. I had no cares by then due to all the drugs they had pumped into me, and he was being a jerk off anyway, so whatever. He actually gave me a ticket to, get this for "Failing to maintain my lane." Ya think dumb ass?? I totaled my car, almost got killed, and you just HAD to give me a ticket.... It got dismissed by the DA last week after I told her what had happened.  He was just being a douche buy giving me a ticket because I wasn't letting him get away with the even mere suggestion that I would drink, or do any kind of drugs for that matter when I had to drive my baby girl to school.  Here are some pics for you to see.....

Yeah, my pretty baby was a big mess!!  I have really taken a step back though since the accident and looked at a lot of things in my life, and one of them is that I love blogging, it lets me be me in a space all my own.  I can write or not write, there is no expectation of me here.  The other is that it is stupid to hold grudges, so I have mended some fences, the ones that I can, and honestly just trying to be a better person, I guess coming close to death will have that affect on you.

So, I am going to be back writing here on a regular basis, and sharing some things from the last few months as I catch you all up on things... I know I live such an interesting life that you are all just DYING to hear about it right??!!  Later!!

Post Partum Depression....

Yeah it seems that I have developed this quaint little issue, even though I was only pregnant for 2.5 seconds 3 months ago. I can tell you that it effing sucks butt. My PCP dx'd me with ADD in January, and then put me on Add*rall. It was amazing how the fog lifted from everything, and then I rapidly began my decent into hell. I guess reality was just a bit to much for my fried mind to handle, and in the last two months along with cycling, I have been trying out meds to help with this depression. Nothing is helping the feelings that I have though, it only seems to make them worse. The harder I try to be positive about things the more I am reminded of what I have lost in the last year. So, when I saw the PCP 2 weeks ago, he told me I had a slight case of PPD, to go along with everything else.... Nice. The day of Dreamy's loss is approaching, and I find myself having dead baby dreams, massively detailed ones at that, and frankly who needs shit like that running through your head when you are sleeping as well as during the day to?? I haven't been blogging because I really didn't know what to say... it isn't all rainbows and sunshine here, and I refuse to pretend that it is, so I just keep my mouth shut. I was prompted to post tonight because I feel like I owe it to what few readers I do have to let you know that at least I am still alive, and just being an asshole by not posting. Femera cycle #2 was a bust. I had one huge follie on each ovary this last time, and still couldn't get it right. Got that fantastic news this morning, and it has broken me down all day. I took Lauryn and tried to get out of the house only to be confronted with newborns and bellies everywhere we went. I am so sick of my body letting me down. I had two chances at happiness again last year, and I feel like I lost the chances that I had. In some ways I feel like both of those pregnancies were a huge tease. My body giving me something and then saying "SYKE, did you really think that you could be so lucky??" I am so tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. It has drained just about everything that I had in me, and it is fucking fair. I want so much for something to give. While I am glad that my RE thinks that my body has it in it to pull one last pregnancy with a real live baby at the end, my faith has disappeared with the fog that the Add*rall took. I don't think it has it to give anymore, but then I think, well maybe just one more month. When do we learn?? When is the heartbreak of "Just one more cycle" enough?? I think that I am really nearing the end of this whole thing. I am tired of letting my body dictate to me what it will and won't do when it comes to IF. So that is where I am at. Tired. I just want all this shit to be behind me so that I can mother the one child that I was blessed with, because this has been affecting her to, and that is where I draw the line.

10 days...

I swore 2011 was going to be a better year, ha shame on me for thinking.

In the last 10 days we have found out that our water heater has been leaking for at least 2 months causing extensive water damage, and sever mold growth. So, as of Wednesday we will have to leave the house and stay in a hotel for as few as five or as many as 10 days. All this with 2 dogs, us, a fish and a Toddler who is very in love with our DVR!!

This past Saturday night night while I was brushing Lauryn's teeth, I noticed that both of her front teeth have severe discoloration and some decay at the gum line. This does not bode well for her because of my dental history. We are on the hunt for a pediatric dentist.

Saturday was also a shit day because we came home from an outing to find our five year old Rottie girl dragging her hind legs. A trip to the Vet ER told me nothing I hadn't already figured out on my own, she was most likely paralyzed. I took her to our vet this morning only to have my fears confirmed, by a man I trust. So, today I said goodbye to one of the best dogs I have owned, one that I raised from 24 hours old, one who has been by my side through the worst of my IF battle, and the best.

The last 10 days have sucked the life out of me, it might not seem like much to some, but to me it just seems like a faster start to a shitty year....... much like the one we just kissed goodbye to. I need something to give here, things have got to start going our way.....

Three....

My sweet little girl is three.

Where has the time gone?

Just yesterday I was looking at her face for the first time in total awe, and yet when she got up this morning she was so tall and cute with her bed head.

It is just all speeding by so fast, and if I forget to breathe it is because everything about her catches my breath.

Happy Birthday Lauryn, you are the best gift I have ever been given!!

Love Mommy.

Letting Go...

Keith and I came to our decision on Monday night. We talked on Friday for about an hour, and then I told him that we should each mull everything over and bring our concerns back to the table when it was a good time.

That time was Monday night.

We feel it is time to let the totcicles go, and to find a new home for them. I just don't feel that my body can do them justice, and they deserve better then that. I am ok with this decision, not because I Know I will get pregnant on my own, but I was beginning to feel as though we were beating a dead horse.... my uterus apparently wants nothing to do with lab created embryo's.

Keith broke it down for me by the numbers, and he makes a lot of sense really. We have transferred 13 really good embryo's, and of the 13 only one made it out. Those numbers aren't to great in the odds department.

Then we look at this last year, for whatever reason my body managed to pull out 2 pregnancies in less then 12 cycles. Now granted, it didn't result in a live baby either, but we feel like maybe, just maybe something is working its self out inside me. The reason I say this is because I have NEVER gotten pregnant on my own. We have been at this for 18 years in total, and I/My Body has never done anything it was expected to do.

So with this new ray of hope, and a little sadness about where to go with the totcicles, we will be moving on to Femera cycles with no assistance other then the meds.

It has been a mixed bag of emotions for me because I held on to the hope that those would be the ones, and now I am hoping and praying that for some other couple they are. I wish nothing more then to have one or more of those little fellas make a family so very happy.

So we will actively be looking for an "Open Adoption" situation with a couple that is willing and ready to hopefully have one of our embryo's be the one that makes them parents. I am not going to give them to an agency or "bank" because I want to have at least some say so in the process, if not pick the recipient's myself. That may seem like a tall order, but I am looking out for the best interest of my embies, and their possible futures.

I have had thoughts the last few days that I am sure a lot of birth mothers must feel, only in a different way. I want nothing more to find a couple, and have them get pregnant, bring a baby home and fulfill a dream.

That is my dream for those little guys, a family who will love and care for them no matter where they came from. I honestly feel that they have a better chance at life with someone else.

On another note, I will be starting Femera with my next AF. I am scared at what this holds to be honest with you, it has been YEARS since I have done the simple stuff like this.... pop a few pills, get an u/s, have sex, and pray like hell!!! Gah, I just hope I am ready for all of the up's and downs that go along with this ride.

Ultimatum...

Just to start off this post, I hate that word up there. I never have liked it or them, so being in this place has me bound up like a dog on the first day of hunting season!!

I had to go to the clinic yesterday for a repeat Beta and ended up with an U/S while I was there. Long story short they wanted to make sure all was right in the blood work department, and that nothing was lurking in the Uterus of Death that could cause further issues. I only bled for a day and a half and then spotted for 3 days after Sneaky left the building, so I guess there was concern. All was "right" in the ute and tubes, and the Fellow (future RE) that saw me actually had to ask how old I was because she said I had the ovaries of a 20 something year old. Ha!! I got the call from the nurse later that Beta was zero, my other levels were normal, and then a cryptic message that the IVF coordinator was going to be speaking with my doc and would call me with further instructions. Huh?? Didn't know what to think, but I had my suspicions.

I had my annual Pap today, and the doc asked me right out after hearing about the two losses how I felt about trying further. I explained about the totcicles, and that we would continue with our plans for a Frozen cycle, and if that was a bust then we were done.

When I got home there was an email from my RE, and I KNEW what it was going to say before I opened it, I saw it coming from a mile away. She asked me to seriously consider doing a few medicated cycles with Fem.era or Clo.mid. Yeah apparently now that I have proven that sex does manage to get me knocked up, they want to see if I can just get there with a little push from them, instead of a full on frozen cycle. Gah!!

Keith and I have tossed this idea around before and ultimately decided against it because I had no luck with them before we did IVF, so it was kind of a mute point. But now things have changed, and my body is somewhat with the program, so OI (ovulation induction) is back on the table as an option. It however presents me with a whole new freaking dilemma, the Totcicles.

This is where the Ultimatum comes in.... after discussing our options tonight, Keith told me that it has to be one or the other not both.

So, this is where I get bound up.

I cannot stand being told I have to chose, given the chance I will try everything to meet in the middle in some way, but this is just not an option this time. I had to be honest with myself though, and realize that financially we can not afford to do a few medicated cycles and then a frozen if they don't work, or vise versa. I hate the thought of not using my totcicles, but I also feel this exciting little urge to try to get there mostly the old fashioned way.

Right now we are paying over a hundred bucks a month for storage of the totcicles, which honestly had a big part in the decision to just go on and use them. They are there, and aside from donating them to another couple, or using them ourselves, they will stay frozen. I will not destroy them.

We have actually had donation on the table with 3 different couples, who ended up unable to use them. I don't want to use our clinics donor program because it is anonymous, and that is just not how we want it to go. We really want an open kind of "adoption" so to speak.

So, here I sit trying to decide if I put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and use the totcicles, or do six or so medicated OI cycles and hope for the best. Now do you see why I HATE ultimatums????

Grief Interupted...

I have always know that I was not a lucky person. Good things don't happen to me, I have to Make them happen for me.

When I got pregnant with my daughter it was an accumulation of almost 15 years of my life spent trying for just that one chance to parent a biological child. 15 years of crying myself to sleep and begging God and/or the powers that be to just give me a chance to know the feeling of a child moving in tune to my heart, sharing my body, and then sharing the rest of my life. I didn't get lucky when I got pregnant, I worked my ass off to get pregnant. I have never for one minute taken any job more seriously then the one that I undertook when I started trying to fulfil my dream of motherhood. I did it all, IUI's IVF's, FET's. It wasn't easy, it was heartbreaking. It was a very lonely road to walk because most if not all of my IRL friends were as fertile as the spring. But, I worked hard, and I got what I wanted.

So, imagine my surprise when twice this year, I mearly had sex with my husband at just the right time, and conceived two little miracles. No one can imagine the pain that has settled in my soul at losing those two little lives, unless they have been there. Do I consider myself lucky that I got pregnant on my own? Hell no. Look how that turned out for me. I have two deep gashes in my heart and soul that will never heal. I will forever wonder what those two lives could have become, what potential they carried in their cells. I will never feel the movement under my heart. I will never hear their first cries, smell their hair, or hold their tiny little hands in mine. I will never get to watch them do any firsts, or watch Lauryn play with her missing siblings. I have lost a lifetime of memories with two people I didn't even know, and it will never stop hurting for as long as I live.

I guess where I am going with this is to respond to a comment on my last post. I count my blessings everyday of my life, and I never expected to hear someone tell me on my blog to do just that, because some people aren't even lucky enough to have one baby... I know that. I know all about listening to women sob who can't have, or don't have a child, and feeling my heart breaking for them. I sat on the fence for almost half of my life, I NEVER take my daughter for granted. I only have that little girl because I fought my ass off for her, and to say or suggest that I don't know what I have is just, well, asinine. I realize that you may not have meant it like I am taking it, but really, I am gutted right now from the disaster that has been my life for the last year, not to mention the last week, and then you want to utter a phrase that truly discounts my current grief, I don't appreciate it.

I won't play the pain game here because I know that you can't get past where you are in your IF journey, and I totally understand that. But I can tell you that from where I stand secondary infertility has been harder on me then the whole of my journey to my daughter. I KNOW what I am missing now, and I feel like a junky sometimes in my need to get that back. It is a desire that honestly beats out my initial one to have a child period. Ask anyone trying for a second or even third after a fierce battle with infertility, and I bet you will hear the same answer more then once.

So PLEASE do not think that I do not cherish every minute with my daughter with ever fiber of my being, I do. I also however hold every conception that I have close to my heart, and love each one with my whole soul. Just allow me to grieve this loss as you would allow any normal person the same consideration, I am no different because I am Infertile.