April 1, 2011

Post Partum Depression....

Yeah it seems that I have developed this quaint little issue, even though I was only pregnant for 2.5 seconds 3 months ago. I can tell you that it effing sucks butt. My PCP dx'd me with ADD in January, and then put me on Add*rall. It was amazing how the fog lifted from everything, and then I rapidly began my decent into hell. I guess reality was just a bit to much for my fried mind to handle, and in the last two months along with cycling, I have been trying out meds to help with this depression. Nothing is helping the feelings that I have though, it only seems to make them worse. The harder I try to be positive about things the more I am reminded of what I have lost in the last year. So, when I saw the PCP 2 weeks ago, he told me I had a slight case of PPD, to go along with everything else.... Nice. The day of Dreamy's loss is approaching, and I find myself having dead baby dreams, massively detailed ones at that, and frankly who needs shit like that running through your head when you are sleeping as well as during the day to?? I haven't been blogging because I really didn't know what to say... it isn't all rainbows and sunshine here, and I refuse to pretend that it is, so I just keep my mouth shut. I was prompted to post tonight because I feel like I owe it to what few readers I do have to let you know that at least I am still alive, and just being an asshole by not posting. Femera cycle #2 was a bust. I had one huge follie on each ovary this last time, and still couldn't get it right. Got that fantastic news this morning, and it has broken me down all day. I took Lauryn and tried to get out of the house only to be confronted with newborns and bellies everywhere we went. I am so sick of my body letting me down. I had two chances at happiness again last year, and I feel like I lost the chances that I had. In some ways I feel like both of those pregnancies were a huge tease. My body giving me something and then saying "SYKE, did you really think that you could be so lucky??" I am so tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. It has drained just about everything that I had in me, and it is fucking fair. I want so much for something to give. While I am glad that my RE thinks that my body has it in it to pull one last pregnancy with a real live baby at the end, my faith has disappeared with the fog that the Add*rall took. I don't think it has it to give anymore, but then I think, well maybe just one more month. When do we learn?? When is the heartbreak of "Just one more cycle" enough?? I think that I am really nearing the end of this whole thing. I am tired of letting my body dictate to me what it will and won't do when it comes to IF. So that is where I am at. Tired. I just want all this shit to be behind me so that I can mother the one child that I was blessed with, because this has been affecting her to, and that is where I draw the line.

13 comments:

Tutu said...

I've been wondering how you're doing. So sorry to hear you're not doing well.

Kristin said...

Oh honey...don't avoid your blog because it's not all sunshine. You need a place to vent too and we love you here.

{{{Hugs}}}

My Reality said...

You aren't alone. If you need to talk, I'm here.

Libby said...

Hugs to you

TeeJay said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through a bad time. I wish I knew when it was really the LAST cycle. I told myself that many times but here I am, about to embark on another IVF. It's crazy...this desire we have to keep going. I hope you can find some peace soon. And if you need to vent your reality to us, then feel free. Your blog is a space for you to be you...whether it's sunshine or not.

raisingmiles said...

Big hugs to you. Please don't hold back with your feelings, just because you think we don't want to know about it. We do, and we care about you. This is your blog, bitch about whatever you want. I hope you and L have a great week.

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

Thinking of you. We will be here for you, not matter the weather. Sunshine and rainbows or clouds and thunderstorms.

xoxo

Elysia Isham said...

After feeling like I wasted the entire 2010 year to busted fertility cycles and living life by cycle day numbers we called it quits for this year and it honestly feels great!!! I have a toddler daughter as well and felt like an awful mother when my ovaries were so overstimulated I couldn't hardly bear her 25 lbs on my lap let alone try to hold or carry her. I have PCOS and every cycle was extreme OHSS. At times questioning not only my sanity but my doctors?!

It's not all sunshine and rainbows. It fucking storms and hails. It's blows you down and beats you up. I always find my rainbow in the blessing that I am raising now. Yes, I want more, I want her to have siblings, but for now I am finding peace in loving what I've got. Still hoping for more, but coming up for air the drowning pool of infertility!

I wish you peace.

(I've been randomly stalking this blog since your post on The Infertile Dummies Guide To OHSS in 2007 when I experienced my first case of "kissing ovaries". Great post by the way!)

poison ivy said...

((((Big Hugs, my sweetie)))

Stacie said...

I've been thinking of you...hoping you are feeling better and that you get the chance to update soon.

Much love...

astral said...

I hope you are doing ok. I'm thinking of you and sending you {{hugs}}

Cajun Cutie said...

thinking about you, you haven't posted in a while I hope you are ok

astral said...

Checking in to see how you are. I hope things are better. We miss you here!! {{hugs}}