I was so freaking ready for yesterday to end that I could have screamed myself stupid when I couldn't get to sleep last night.
I did something I knew better then... when I took Turtle to the peds on Wednesday, I had to run into WallyWorld before her appointment. Well it was CD 50 something, so I ran down the isle and grabbed a box... yeah you know the one, with the pregnancy test in it. I mean we have been having relations, and AF was showing no sign of rearing her head. I waited until this morning for that good old, possibly HCG laden pee. What a joke, I should know better by now that the only thing that is going to grow in my uterus is, well NOTHING. I Hate You Body, You Suck!!!
I sat here yesterday afternoon waiting for the phone to ring because I had an appointment with the Rehab docs for a "Team Meeting" conference call about Kent.
When it finally rang, it wasn't them, it was the CryoCenter where we have our totcicles stored. The woman on the other end informed me that they had not received payment from us for storage fees in 7 months. HUH?? WTF?? I have been paying the clinic, and they are supposed to disperse the funds to the CryoCenter for us. I asked her why they hadn't contacted me before now, and she said that they were making a final attempt to get paid before collection actions were taken. Out of shear curiosity I asked her what would happen if I didn't pay them, and she said that it was their right to remove our embies from storage and discard them. Yeah, sounded like a threat to me to. I paid her over the phone with my credit card, and hung up shaking with rage. Nothing pisses me off more then someone making an overt threat, especially over something as important to me as those 5 little guys are!!
Just as I hung up from telling Keith what had happened and that I had paid them the $360 we owed them, the phone rang once again. This time it was the rehab docs, and we started our call.
Kent was there, and that was not something I was expecting. Up until this point it has just been the Team and I talking about his progress, so I was totally blindsided and actually quite uncomfortable with the whole thing. Kent continues to be the "Perfect Patient" , so much so that they all seemed to be gushing all over him the whole call. My stomach was turning the whole time, and I wanted to scream at them to WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! He is only playing you, just the way he plays everyone else. Needless to say I was so taken aback I had nothing to say.
Kent asked when they were going to let him come home, and my heart sank. I knew it was coming, and I knew why he was asking. They discussed it, and told him that they thought he was on track, but not quite ready for discharge. I didn't get a word in edgewise and they almost hung up before I had a chance to say that I had something I needed to add. I bluntly asked them if any attempts had been made to get him into the Independent Living Facility (ILF from here on out) that I had already spoken to them about. I was told that no they hadn't, and then they asked Kent how he felt about going there after he was discharged from rehab. He said he didn't want to go, that wasn't the deal and he just wants to come home. I spoke up and told him there was no "deal" and that we had already told him that he was not coming home for a long period of time before he went to the ILF, Keith and I feel strongly that it would be very counterproductive for him to be home for more then a few days before he moves in there.
Kent went slam off over the phone telling me that I just didn't love him anymore, and didn't want him living with us. I tried to tell him that wasn't true at all, and that there were many advantages to this place, but he didn't hear a word I said. He just kept screaming at me, telling me that I was horrible and that I had tricked him into this whole thing, and that we were still blackmailing him. I told him that was not what we were doing, and he shot back at me "Screw you Erica, I am not calling you ever again.", then he left the meeting.
I broke down crying after that, and told the Team that I cannot do this anymore, I refuse to be treated this way. I am very weak when it comes to Kent, and if he came home for more then just a few days he might not leave again, and that is not what HE needs right now, not to mention it isn't ideal for us either. Seriously, my heart can't take anymore. I asked them to talk to him, and I also mentioned that Keith and I think that Kent may be better served by getting his GED so that he can move on with his plans to go to college. We just think that High School is holding him back. He is bored with it, and I think the only reason he still wants to go is so that he can hang out with his friends. We hung up, and I cried more. The tears are really getting old at this point.
Kent's birth father called me last night and told me that he had called him because I wouldn't answer the phone when he called. I informed him that I had not been home because I had gone to buy diapers, and spend some time alone. He told me that Kent had told him what had happened, and that he was really upset about the whole thing and wanted to tell me he was sorry. I shot back "Why because he still wants me to come up this weekend and take him out?" Guess I hit the nail on the head because he had nothing to say. He just asked me if I could please call Kent and tell him that I still loved him. I told him that I would think about it, and hung up.
I didn't call Kent back, because frankly I am tired of the games. The only reason he is sorry is because he knows that he shot himself in the foot by blasting me like that, because I was going to go up this Saturday and take him out. Now I honestly think I am just going to stay home.
He hurts me so much, and I feel almost like he is an emotionally abusive husband. He tells his friends that we hate them all, and that we are terrible to him. We hit him all the time and call him horrible names. He keeps them from wanting to come here, and from wanting to talk to us when we see them on the street, trust me I have had more then one time that has happened. He has made sure that none of them, including some of the parents, trust us at all. It is sick really, it is like he is trying to keep us alienated by letting everyone think we are Monsters, when in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.
So I spent the night teary eyed, and sullen. Then as if to finish me off, when I was getting ready for bed and did my last bathroom trip for the night.... Spotting... yeah thanks again body, you can still go piss up a rope.
What’s the word for one step past kintsukuroi?
5 hours ago