February 24, 2010

On Being Me...

You would think that after living with myself and my Bi-Polar brain for so long, I would have some kind of hand hold on keeping my shit together. Ha! Not. So. Much.

My brain has been a lot like a compost bin the last few weeks. I have thoughts. I chew them up and over. I tuck them away, cuz I just HAVE to tell my Internets about them! Then I sit staring at that damn courser blinking like it is laughing, mocking me. When I sit down to actually write something, the thought of sifting through all the shit in that bin just freaks me out, and I have to click off the new post screen.

The stuff at the bottom is like mud... nothing recognizable down that far anymore. As you come up through the layers there are a few things that I think I recognize, but still may not want to touch. Then there is the stuff at the top. Yeah I know what it is, I just threw it in there over the last few days, but for some reason it seems to have decayed faster then I thought it would.

That is how jumbled and seemingly disoriented I have been lately. I want to tell you all the funny shit that Turtle has been doing, cuz damn that girl is a train wreck, but then it all gets overshadowed by the stuff we are dealing with as far as Kent is concerned. Some times it pisses me off that his bad behavior ruins my moods and takes some of the joy out of my days. Then the guilt for feeling like that comes on hard and strong. I can't change his DNA. I know all the talk out there about "Nature vs. Nurture", and in the case of adopting an older child from the "system", that whole theory goes right out the flipping window. You can try all you want, but sometimes you have to admit defeat, even if it breaks your heart into a millions pieces. There are some broken children out there who just can't be fixed, no matter how much you love them.

Reality hits me, and I remember that I have a two year old who also needs me, and she isn't broken yet. I desperately need to keep her that way. I need her to grow up knowing that I love her more then I will ever be able to put into words. That she is my reason for getting up every morning and facing what has increasingly become the hardest time in my whole life. I have to make sure for her mental and physical well being that this time in our families history does not become one that she hates me for in the future. I have to focus on this little girl that I gave life to, that I tried for, for almost fifteen years of my life.

That last statement does not mean that I have chosen my daughter over my son, but I have to be realistic about how things are looking.

I went to visit Kent this last Saturday, and he was changed in some ways, but not in ones that made me confident that he is working on becoming better. He has learned a new game. He is playing it VERY well I might add. He is the "Perfect Patient" in the eyes of the p-doc and the staff at the hospital. Now that might sound like a good thing to some of you, but having lived with this child for almost 10 years, I can tell you that being the perfect patient is something he does well... in the presence of medical professionals, but not here at home. I honestly didn't take away from our outing that he gets "It" yet. This is your life kid, you are in that chair for the long haul, and you have GOT to learn to take care of yourself. He started an argument with me about going to the Independent Living facility that I want him to move to when he leaves the hospital. He wants to take a six week break, come home to his stuff (not us mind you), and then decide where he wants to go from there. I had to tell him right then and there that his plan wasn't an option. Keith and I have talked so many hours about this, and we don't feel that he is "well" enough to come home yet.

We had family therapy via phone on Monday, and when I confronted him about a lie that he told me and another person, he lost his shit and had a temper tantrum, punching things and swearing at me. Yeah, you have it all on lock down don't ya??!! I think that the only thing he has really learned there is how to further shove his feelings down so that it looks like he is in control. That episode just proved to me that things aren't changing much at all. The therapist asked me if I was able to learn to trust him again, if I had ever been in a situation where I had lost trust and the person had gained it back. I told him that yes I had and could, but that the person trying to earn my trust (Kent) would have to prove himself to me, and as of right then I didn't see that much had changed. The outburst didn't help Kent's cause any to be totally honest with you. That young man knows just where to get me going to, because his last words to me before we hung up were.... "So you gonna come and take me shopping again this weekend?" Not "Will you come visit me." or "Can we have a family day", but once again it was the material things that he focused on. Nope, I don't think that the reality check is working Ladies, and frankly I am not sure if it ever will.

Ahhh.... So onto more positive things. Today was the Turtle's 2 year check up... Yeah, yeah I know a month late, but I love the pediatrician that we have, and this was the only opening she had even 3 months ago when I made the appointment. So, without further adieu...

Height: 35 Inches- 75th percentile
Weight: 26.9 pounds- 50th percentile
Head Circumference: 48.5 CM

She managed to bust her top lip open on the desk while we were waiting for the nurse to give her the last of her Hep A shots. Yeah I know only my kid goes in for a check up and leaves almost needing stitches. I have to keep an eye on her two front teeth to make sure that they didn't get knocked loose, because DAMN she hit that thing hard, and they gave me a referral to a pediatric dentist to get her checked out by x-ray in a few days. That ought to go over like a fart in church!!! She is going through a verbal explosion like you cannot imagine, and that cuteness is only tempered by the tantrums.... OMG, this kid can pitch a fit let me tell you... she is a drama queen to the core. I can only hope that she will have a few brain cells left after all the times she has slammed her head into the floor after tossing her body ruthlessly to the ground in an attempt to get her way. It doesn't work either, and I think she might be catching on... at least I can hope so for the sake of her skull!!

I will leave you with some cuteness from last week....

My MIL sent her those sunglasses for her birthday, and she refuses to eat a meal w/o them on her head like that. Hmmmm... do you see a Diva???

See you in a day or so after I sort out more of that Compost Bin.


~Jess said...

She is too cute!

I'm sorry things aren't going better with your son.

Kristin said...

I don't miss those tantrum days. Sorry everything is so composty right now. I hope it gets better soon my friend.

(my word verification is ouch on)

JJ said...

Aww she is SO cute!

Been thinking about you--sorry that things are not going well with Kent--you are an awesome person, sweetie.

Thanks so much for my surprise in the mail :) Love it!

kimbosue said...

Diva in the making fo' sho!

Sorry the Kent crap.


Photogrl said...

How sweet is Turtle!?!


Anonymous said...

Hope things even out soon. Your little Diva is precious!

Anonymous said...

She is so beautiful. I'm sorry things are tough for you in other areas of your life. It aint easy... life.
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. I truly appreciate you keeping an eye on me. I'm still holding out hope, but not holding my breath.