February 14, 2010

Even in my absence....

I can get a Blog Award ......

I got this sweet award from Carrie @ A Journey of Hope - Cesta Naděje

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

1. Thank the person that nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the award and place it on your blog.
3. Link the person that nominated you for this award.
4. Tell us seven interesting things about yourself.
5. Nominate seven bloggers.
6. Post the links to the seven bloggers.

7 Interesting things about me.....

You know I have been staring at the courser behind the number one for several days, and I cannot think of anything interesting about me right now. I know that you all might want to read about my quirks, but right now I just can't think of any that aren't downright stupid, boring, or just to personal to mention.

I know it has been almost a month since I posted last, and to be honest with you, the only real reason I have is the fact that I just haven't been able to put my feelings out there until tonight. I have been having some real struggles, and I have been in a very dark place for about 2 weeks now. So much is running around inside my poor brain that it is literally exhausting me to try to get this damn post out.

We visited Kent for the first time since he went to the hospital, the constant snow has kept us from being able to drive up there, and I was very disappointed in what I found there.

I had been having a lot of second thoughts about the place after some events that have already happened, and after today, I really think that we might have made a mistake.

See, I have been in places like this as a patient, and I was still not prepared for what we saw. I can tell you that the filth in his room will be the first thing I address with them when I get my return call, and the second will be their lack of following what I asked them to do pertaining to his medical supplies.

They have stopped his blood pressure meds for no reason, and I was not asked if this was OK, and neither was he. They just told him he wouldn't be getting them anymore. HUH?? WTF?? I have this kid seeing one of the top pediatric nepherologists in the country, who put him on those meds, and you just snatch him off w/o any reason?? I don't think so.

He has no sheet for his bed because they don't carry sheets for the hospital beds. OK, so why didn't you call me, or freaking order one for him??
He is not wearing the same briefs (adult diapers) that I asked them, and they assured me he would have, to keep him in.

He has no trash can in his room, just a trash bag, and there was poop on the floor behind where he keeps the bag??!! Are you kidding me, don't they check these things?? His mattress had literal shit streaks on it, and when I asked him about the pads that he should be using he said they only give him one at a time... not sure if he is even using it.

He has a room mate to... yeah the room mate has left, for 2 days, his vomit covered clothes just laying on the floor for all the world to see.

I almost fucking lost it while I was there, had it not been for the fact that we had the Turtle with us, I may have had a meltdown right there. I did not send this kid to one of the "best" hospitals in the country for dealing with chronically ill children so that I could leave him in squalor like that. I swear to you that I am not exaggerating this either.

Overall the place looked like a state run mental hospital who had their funds cut off. I have never been so offended in all my life. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to scream.

I had been struggling with my decision to send him there already, and this just pushed me over the edge. Now I feel like the worst mother on the planet for sending him there after seeing what I did today. I know that he needs the mental help, but frankly I am not sure that he is getting what he needs to get.

They cannot manage his level of intelligence either. The teachers have already exhausted all of the classwork that they had for him to do. So everyday he stays there he falls further behind his peers in high school... and only because he is smart.

I was assured, and reassured that they had everything under control for his academics, and now they are saying I dropped the ball because I dis enrolled him from school here. I had no choice, the district told me I had to, and since he is in all accelerated Internet based classes down here, they can't just work with his teachers to get his schoolwork done. So now I feel like a jackass because if he stays much longer he might not graduate with his class. He is already a year behind from his illness earlier in life, so where is this going to leave him??? Can you say it with me... FUCK!!

I have also been dealing with something that I wasn't able to put into words until a few days ago.... I am scared of my daughter. Not in like physically scared. I cannot shake this overwhelming denial that I have of her existence. I am scared that she isn't real, and any minute I am going to wake up and she will be gone and this whole thing will have been a dream.

I know I did IVF.

I know I got pregnant.

I know I had a baby.

I know that she turned 2 years old in January.... but yet I feel like it is all a dream, and that I am going to snap out of it and walk into an empty room filled with things I bought for a figment of my imagination.

I know she is here.

I feel her hug me.

I feel her hand wrap around my finger when we walk.

I see her beautiful face every morning, but still I hold back from letting her all the way in my heart because I just KNOW that she isn't real. I guess this is just one more wonderful thing I can thank my 14 and a 1/2 year IF struggle on.... my inability to lose my heart to the most amazing little girl I have ever known.

I feel like I am failing her because I cannot believe in her realness. I can't fathom even now after all this time, that she is here and she is mine. How shitty is that?? Yeah I thought so to.

So there you have it, just some of the things going on in my ruptured and tortured brain. More to come tomorrow....


erikagm said...

All I can say is, I know how you feel. I don't have a kid yet, but each time I have something good in my life, I just *know* it's not real, or it's not going to last, or it's just going to be a dream... That someone is suddenly gonna step out of a bush and say PUNK'D!!! or something like that. It sucks to double-guess yourself like that, but from experience, you will eventually get over it. This too, shall pass. I'm here for ya, sweetie...

heartincharge said...

I feel that way about my husband. he's great and it's weird to actually type this (thanks for giving me the freedom to do so through your sharing) but I fear that my happy marriage is too good to be true and he's going to cheat or get in a car accident or I will have ovarian cancer or somehow its got to be an illusion.

I know that after my BFP, I will worry about a healthy baby, and after the baby's birth about SIDS and meningitis. Sigh.

That is awful about Kent's room. I hope they can get their act together there.

Kristin said...

Oh honey, that is a shitload to deal with. I can't believe they (not you) are leaving Kent in those conditions. UGH

Have you thought about contacting the state licensing board? That may be a way to get them to comply.

kimbosue said...

Holy Mother. That is a shitload of stuff for you to handle. I would be reporting that hospital lickety split. That is uncalled for!

poison ivy said...

Awe sweetie, ((((big, big hug)))I swear before I die, I am going to give you a big hug in person. Life sure sucks big rocks. Makes me think the crack whore slut poodle down the street is on to something (on how she deals with how mean life can be). Keep this in mind: You have a special place in your daughter's heart that can never be replaced or filled by anything or anyone. Nothing beats a mother's love. xoxo
((big hugs))my friend

Rachel Inbar said...

I can only imagine how you felt at the hospital. How does Kent feel about it?

As for your little one, I think it only became real to me when I had to call and make playdates for her and I'd call and say, "I'm Hadas's mom" :-) I felt like such a fake at first.

Stacie said...

Kent's hospital sounds dreadful. I do hope that you were able to get some satisfaction that things will be resolved. For Kent's sake. For your sake, too!

It's hard to shake that feeling that the other shoe is going to drop and everything will go to crap. I feel it, too. Big hugs to you.

Lorraine said...

If that's what the hospital let you see, what goes on when they know for sure you aren't going to be there? It sounds like they've let you down on so many levels - is there a chance that they can get it together there?

As for your daughter... I think it's just hard for 2 good years to make up for 11 1/2 bad ones. It would be great if just having a baby would cancel out all of the doubt and anger and grief and disbelief and worry (etc., etc.) but I bet it just doesn't work that way...

astral said...

I'm sending you {{hugs}} sweeteie! You have been dealing with so much and for that I am sorry. I hope you find answers with Kent and the hospital. Life is so messed up sometimes.

My Reality said...

I can't believe the hospital - they can seriously run like that? WTF?

As for your baby girl - she is real. And you are really her momma.

Tricia said...

psst I left you an award on mine as well

Joey's Mama said...

First off, I'm sorry about the hospital. That is just disgusting......

Second, I feel the same way you do about Joey. I always flash back to before he was born, sitting in his room that we had fixed up for him, looking at all his stuff and just crying because I could not get it in my head that MY baby would be sleeping in that room before long. And in my head it is all a bad dream........ And I just don't know how I can go on living without a child who never existed, except in my head. Because babies are only for other people and not for me..... It's SO strange!!! ((((((((( )))))) I totally understand. He is 5 now and I don't now if it will ever go away.