Well that Sucked....

I was so freaking ready for yesterday to end that I could have screamed myself stupid when I couldn't get to sleep last night.

I did something I knew better then... when I took Turtle to the peds on Wednesday, I had to run into WallyWorld before her appointment. Well it was CD 50 something, so I ran down the isle and grabbed a box... yeah you know the one, with the pregnancy test in it. I mean we have been having relations, and AF was showing no sign of rearing her head. I waited until this morning for that good old, possibly HCG laden pee. What a joke, I should know better by now that the only thing that is going to grow in my uterus is, well NOTHING. I Hate You Body, You Suck!!!

I sat here yesterday afternoon waiting for the phone to ring because I had an appointment with the Rehab docs for a "Team Meeting" conference call about Kent.

When it finally rang, it wasn't them, it was the CryoCenter where we have our totcicles stored. The woman on the other end informed me that they had not received payment from us for storage fees in 7 months. HUH?? WTF?? I have been paying the clinic, and they are supposed to disperse the funds to the CryoCenter for us. I asked her why they hadn't contacted me before now, and she said that they were making a final attempt to get paid before collection actions were taken. Out of shear curiosity I asked her what would happen if I didn't pay them, and she said that it was their right to remove our embies from storage and discard them. Yeah, sounded like a threat to me to. I paid her over the phone with my credit card, and hung up shaking with rage. Nothing pisses me off more then someone making an overt threat, especially over something as important to me as those 5 little guys are!!

Just as I hung up from telling Keith what had happened and that I had paid them the $360 we owed them, the phone rang once again. This time it was the rehab docs, and we started our call.

Kent was there, and that was not something I was expecting. Up until this point it has just been the Team and I talking about his progress, so I was totally blindsided and actually quite uncomfortable with the whole thing. Kent continues to be the "Perfect Patient" , so much so that they all seemed to be gushing all over him the whole call. My stomach was turning the whole time, and I wanted to scream at them to WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! He is only playing you, just the way he plays everyone else. Needless to say I was so taken aback I had nothing to say.

Kent asked when they were going to let him come home, and my heart sank. I knew it was coming, and I knew why he was asking. They discussed it, and told him that they thought he was on track, but not quite ready for discharge. I didn't get a word in edgewise and they almost hung up before I had a chance to say that I had something I needed to add. I bluntly asked them if any attempts had been made to get him into the Independent Living Facility (ILF from here on out) that I had already spoken to them about. I was told that no they hadn't, and then they asked Kent how he felt about going there after he was discharged from rehab. He said he didn't want to go, that wasn't the deal and he just wants to come home. I spoke up and told him there was no "deal" and that we had already told him that he was not coming home for a long period of time before he went to the ILF, Keith and I feel strongly that it would be very counterproductive for him to be home for more then a few days before he moves in there.

Kent went slam off over the phone telling me that I just didn't love him anymore, and didn't want him living with us. I tried to tell him that wasn't true at all, and that there were many advantages to this place, but he didn't hear a word I said. He just kept screaming at me, telling me that I was horrible and that I had tricked him into this whole thing, and that we were still blackmailing him. I told him that was not what we were doing, and he shot back at me "Screw you Erica, I am not calling you ever again.", then he left the meeting.

I broke down crying after that, and told the Team that I cannot do this anymore, I refuse to be treated this way. I am very weak when it comes to Kent, and if he came home for more then just a few days he might not leave again, and that is not what HE needs right now, not to mention it isn't ideal for us either. Seriously, my heart can't take anymore. I asked them to talk to him, and I also mentioned that Keith and I think that Kent may be better served by getting his GED so that he can move on with his plans to go to college. We just think that High School is holding him back. He is bored with it, and I think the only reason he still wants to go is so that he can hang out with his friends. We hung up, and I cried more. The tears are really getting old at this point.

Kent's birth father called me last night and told me that he had called him because I wouldn't answer the phone when he called. I informed him that I had not been home because I had gone to buy diapers, and spend some time alone. He told me that Kent had told him what had happened, and that he was really upset about the whole thing and wanted to tell me he was sorry. I shot back "Why because he still wants me to come up this weekend and take him out?" Guess I hit the nail on the head because he had nothing to say. He just asked me if I could please call Kent and tell him that I still loved him. I told him that I would think about it, and hung up.

I didn't call Kent back, because frankly I am tired of the games. The only reason he is sorry is because he knows that he shot himself in the foot by blasting me like that, because I was going to go up this Saturday and take him out. Now I honestly think I am just going to stay home.

He hurts me so much, and I feel almost like he is an emotionally abusive husband. He tells his friends that we hate them all, and that we are terrible to him. We hit him all the time and call him horrible names. He keeps them from wanting to come here, and from wanting to talk to us when we see them on the street, trust me I have had more then one time that has happened. He has made sure that none of them, including some of the parents, trust us at all. It is sick really, it is like he is trying to keep us alienated by letting everyone think we are Monsters, when in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.

So I spent the night teary eyed, and sullen. Then as if to finish me off, when I was getting ready for bed and did my last bathroom trip for the night.... Spotting... yeah thanks again body, you can still go piss up a rope.

On Being Me...

You would think that after living with myself and my Bi-Polar brain for so long, I would have some kind of hand hold on keeping my shit together. Ha! Not. So. Much.

My brain has been a lot like a compost bin the last few weeks. I have thoughts. I chew them up and over. I tuck them away, cuz I just HAVE to tell my Internets about them! Then I sit staring at that damn courser blinking like it is laughing, mocking me. When I sit down to actually write something, the thought of sifting through all the shit in that bin just freaks me out, and I have to click off the new post screen.

The stuff at the bottom is like mud... nothing recognizable down that far anymore. As you come up through the layers there are a few things that I think I recognize, but still may not want to touch. Then there is the stuff at the top. Yeah I know what it is, I just threw it in there over the last few days, but for some reason it seems to have decayed faster then I thought it would.

That is how jumbled and seemingly disoriented I have been lately. I want to tell you all the funny shit that Turtle has been doing, cuz damn that girl is a train wreck, but then it all gets overshadowed by the stuff we are dealing with as far as Kent is concerned. Some times it pisses me off that his bad behavior ruins my moods and takes some of the joy out of my days. Then the guilt for feeling like that comes on hard and strong. I can't change his DNA. I know all the talk out there about "Nature vs. Nurture", and in the case of adopting an older child from the "system", that whole theory goes right out the flipping window. You can try all you want, but sometimes you have to admit defeat, even if it breaks your heart into a millions pieces. There are some broken children out there who just can't be fixed, no matter how much you love them.

Reality hits me, and I remember that I have a two year old who also needs me, and she isn't broken yet. I desperately need to keep her that way. I need her to grow up knowing that I love her more then I will ever be able to put into words. That she is my reason for getting up every morning and facing what has increasingly become the hardest time in my whole life. I have to make sure for her mental and physical well being that this time in our families history does not become one that she hates me for in the future. I have to focus on this little girl that I gave life to, that I tried for, for almost fifteen years of my life.

That last statement does not mean that I have chosen my daughter over my son, but I have to be realistic about how things are looking.

I went to visit Kent this last Saturday, and he was changed in some ways, but not in ones that made me confident that he is working on becoming better. He has learned a new game. He is playing it VERY well I might add. He is the "Perfect Patient" in the eyes of the p-doc and the staff at the hospital. Now that might sound like a good thing to some of you, but having lived with this child for almost 10 years, I can tell you that being the perfect patient is something he does well... in the presence of medical professionals, but not here at home. I honestly didn't take away from our outing that he gets "It" yet. This is your life kid, you are in that chair for the long haul, and you have GOT to learn to take care of yourself. He started an argument with me about going to the Independent Living facility that I want him to move to when he leaves the hospital. He wants to take a six week break, come home to his stuff (not us mind you), and then decide where he wants to go from there. I had to tell him right then and there that his plan wasn't an option. Keith and I have talked so many hours about this, and we don't feel that he is "well" enough to come home yet.

We had family therapy via phone on Monday, and when I confronted him about a lie that he told me and another person, he lost his shit and had a temper tantrum, punching things and swearing at me. Yeah, you have it all on lock down don't ya??!! I think that the only thing he has really learned there is how to further shove his feelings down so that it looks like he is in control. That episode just proved to me that things aren't changing much at all. The therapist asked me if I was able to learn to trust him again, if I had ever been in a situation where I had lost trust and the person had gained it back. I told him that yes I had and could, but that the person trying to earn my trust (Kent) would have to prove himself to me, and as of right then I didn't see that much had changed. The outburst didn't help Kent's cause any to be totally honest with you. That young man knows just where to get me going to, because his last words to me before we hung up were.... "So you gonna come and take me shopping again this weekend?" Not "Will you come visit me." or "Can we have a family day", but once again it was the material things that he focused on. Nope, I don't think that the reality check is working Ladies, and frankly I am not sure if it ever will.

Ahhh.... So onto more positive things. Today was the Turtle's 2 year check up... Yeah, yeah I know a month late, but I love the pediatrician that we have, and this was the only opening she had even 3 months ago when I made the appointment. So, without further adieu...

Height: 35 Inches- 75th percentile
Weight: 26.9 pounds- 50th percentile
Head Circumference: 48.5 CM

She managed to bust her top lip open on the desk while we were waiting for the nurse to give her the last of her Hep A shots. Yeah I know only my kid goes in for a check up and leaves almost needing stitches. I have to keep an eye on her two front teeth to make sure that they didn't get knocked loose, because DAMN she hit that thing hard, and they gave me a referral to a pediatric dentist to get her checked out by x-ray in a few days. That ought to go over like a fart in church!!! She is going through a verbal explosion like you cannot imagine, and that cuteness is only tempered by the tantrums.... OMG, this kid can pitch a fit let me tell you... she is a drama queen to the core. I can only hope that she will have a few brain cells left after all the times she has slammed her head into the floor after tossing her body ruthlessly to the ground in an attempt to get her way. It doesn't work either, and I think she might be catching on... at least I can hope so for the sake of her skull!!

I will leave you with some cuteness from last week....

My MIL sent her those sunglasses for her birthday, and she refuses to eat a meal w/o them on her head like that. Hmmmm... do you see a Diva???

See you in a day or so after I sort out more of that Compost Bin.

Even in my absence....

I can get a Blog Award ......





I got this sweet award from Carrie @ A Journey of Hope - Cesta Naděje

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

1. Thank the person that nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the award and place it on your blog.
3. Link the person that nominated you for this award.
4. Tell us seven interesting things about yourself.
5. Nominate seven bloggers.
6. Post the links to the seven bloggers.

7 Interesting things about me.....

You know I have been staring at the courser behind the number one for several days, and I cannot think of anything interesting about me right now. I know that you all might want to read about my quirks, but right now I just can't think of any that aren't downright stupid, boring, or just to personal to mention.

I know it has been almost a month since I posted last, and to be honest with you, the only real reason I have is the fact that I just haven't been able to put my feelings out there until tonight. I have been having some real struggles, and I have been in a very dark place for about 2 weeks now. So much is running around inside my poor brain that it is literally exhausting me to try to get this damn post out.

We visited Kent for the first time since he went to the hospital, the constant snow has kept us from being able to drive up there, and I was very disappointed in what I found there.

I had been having a lot of second thoughts about the place after some events that have already happened, and after today, I really think that we might have made a mistake.

See, I have been in places like this as a patient, and I was still not prepared for what we saw. I can tell you that the filth in his room will be the first thing I address with them when I get my return call, and the second will be their lack of following what I asked them to do pertaining to his medical supplies.

They have stopped his blood pressure meds for no reason, and I was not asked if this was OK, and neither was he. They just told him he wouldn't be getting them anymore. HUH?? WTF?? I have this kid seeing one of the top pediatric nepherologists in the country, who put him on those meds, and you just snatch him off w/o any reason?? I don't think so.

He has no sheet for his bed because they don't carry sheets for the hospital beds. OK, so why didn't you call me, or freaking order one for him??
He is not wearing the same briefs (adult diapers) that I asked them, and they assured me he would have, to keep him in.

He has no trash can in his room, just a trash bag, and there was poop on the floor behind where he keeps the bag??!! Are you kidding me, don't they check these things?? His mattress had literal shit streaks on it, and when I asked him about the pads that he should be using he said they only give him one at a time... not sure if he is even using it.

He has a room mate to... yeah the room mate has left, for 2 days, his vomit covered clothes just laying on the floor for all the world to see.

I almost fucking lost it while I was there, had it not been for the fact that we had the Turtle with us, I may have had a meltdown right there. I did not send this kid to one of the "best" hospitals in the country for dealing with chronically ill children so that I could leave him in squalor like that. I swear to you that I am not exaggerating this either.

Overall the place looked like a state run mental hospital who had their funds cut off. I have never been so offended in all my life. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to scream.

I had been struggling with my decision to send him there already, and this just pushed me over the edge. Now I feel like the worst mother on the planet for sending him there after seeing what I did today. I know that he needs the mental help, but frankly I am not sure that he is getting what he needs to get.

They cannot manage his level of intelligence either. The teachers have already exhausted all of the classwork that they had for him to do. So everyday he stays there he falls further behind his peers in high school... and only because he is smart.

I was assured, and reassured that they had everything under control for his academics, and now they are saying I dropped the ball because I dis enrolled him from school here. I had no choice, the district told me I had to, and since he is in all accelerated Internet based classes down here, they can't just work with his teachers to get his schoolwork done. So now I feel like a jackass because if he stays much longer he might not graduate with his class. He is already a year behind from his illness earlier in life, so where is this going to leave him??? Can you say it with me... FUCK!!

I have also been dealing with something that I wasn't able to put into words until a few days ago.... I am scared of my daughter. Not in like physically scared. I cannot shake this overwhelming denial that I have of her existence. I am scared that she isn't real, and any minute I am going to wake up and she will be gone and this whole thing will have been a dream.

I know I did IVF.

I know I got pregnant.

I know I had a baby.

I know that she turned 2 years old in January.... but yet I feel like it is all a dream, and that I am going to snap out of it and walk into an empty room filled with things I bought for a figment of my imagination.

I know she is here.

I feel her hug me.

I feel her hand wrap around my finger when we walk.

I see her beautiful face every morning, but still I hold back from letting her all the way in my heart because I just KNOW that she isn't real. I guess this is just one more wonderful thing I can thank my 14 and a 1/2 year IF struggle on.... my inability to lose my heart to the most amazing little girl I have ever known.

I feel like I am failing her because I cannot believe in her realness. I can't fathom even now after all this time, that she is here and she is mine. How shitty is that?? Yeah I thought so to.

So there you have it, just some of the things going on in my ruptured and tortured brain. More to come tomorrow....