Yes.....

I truly suck!!!

Sorry that I haven't been around to update, but I have just been a slacker!! Things here in the Infertile house are going along smoothly for the most part. Turtle thinks that she needs to haul Clark and I to L&D at least every two weeks!! We were there this past Friday after an unplanned trip to the OB... cervix is still unchanged, but the contractions are still there, and actually getting quite painful at times.... Apparently as long as they are just being irritating, and non-productive, there isn't much they will do about them... I did come home the proud owner of a Terbutiline RX though, so that made me a lot happier then the last time I was there!!! Those shots still suck though!!!

Kent is going through some tuff times either within his mind, or his heart, hard to tell just yet, but he has been a little brat the last few weeks. School has been an issue already, and we aren't even 9 weeks into the school year yet. I have to be calm and try not to kill him when he runs off at the mouth, and that has gotten twice as hard as it was just a few short weeks ago!! Not to mention that I have created a MONSTER who just assumes that it is literally OK to ask his broke ass parents WHY he can have the new X-Box 360, but he has to buy any games that he may want? Well hell could it be because the freaking system alone is setting us back close to $550.00 bucks right before Christmas?? But he just doesn't get why that should be an issue... I mean he really doesn't get it, and that pisses me off!!!!!!!!! I didn't raise him to act like a spoiled brat, but yet there he sits, SPOILED FREAKING ROTTEN!!!! UGH. I cannot get him to understand that he isn't the only kid anymore, even if Turtle isn't here yet, she still has a lot of needs that have to be met before she gets here that aren't freaking cheap in the least. So needless to say we have been butting heads a few times a week, and it has gotten pretty ugly!!! Gotta love having a teen who SWEARS you know nothing about understanding them..... Boy, do I remember those days!!!

So this week marks the "Golden Week 24" that I have been holding out for, and I honestly don't feel much better about things. I can't tell you all the fantastic posts I have started in my head that have been lost to a nap, or just plain derailed because I stopped thinking just long enough to forget what it was I had been thinking!! LOL!! Clark calls this "Preggie Brain" , I call it Losing my Freaking mind!!! I honestly thought that when I reached this point I would be able to relax and breathe, but now I just worry that she stays put even longer!! Not to mention that now I have to start working on her room so that she has a place to sleep!! Needless to say I have been spending time registering (Pain in the ASS!!)(and ONLY because Clark MADE ME!!) and hitting Ebay to see what is out there!!! Man what a commercial endeavor it is to have a baby!! I cannot believe the amount of CRAP there is out there that people tell you that you need!!! I guess it doesn't help that I am very funy about what I will and won't buy. Not just that, but like I told Clark, some of this stuff is so expensive I feel just downright guilty registering for it and asking people to buy it!! Just me, but I really don't think kids really need all the trappings that "They" tell you to get!!! I mean really we didn't have all that crap when we were babies, so are we really doing ourselves or our kids any justice by blowing wads of cash on shit we and they don't really need??? Boy I tell you what an eye-opener!!!

So, anyway, Turtle and I are hanging in there. I pray everyday for the strength to keep from killing or maiming Kent every 10 minutes after he gets home from school, and praying really hard that Turtle would stop messing with her daddy everytime he tries to catch her moving!!! I think she does it on purpose, a glimpse of the future?? I hope not, I so want her to be a daddies little girl!!!

Until next time!!!!

Ultrasound SuperModel!!!

That is what Turtle was declared by the U/S tech today!!! She was ever so cooperative, and laid very still the whole time that they were scanning her. The good news is that her little heart is "Beautiful" as quoted again by the tech!! I asked if that even further ruled out the Down's possibility, and she said yes that usually with a heart this great you don't see Down's.

Thank God, Buddha, Mohamed, and whoever else I forgot!! I am not a really religious person, so I will send thanks to them all!!!

Little Miss Turtle seems to be quite a bit like her mommy already, in the fact that she loves to sleep on her back with her arms across her chest. In all but one of her U/S's, she has had her hands and arms up high over her torso, just like her mommy!!!

She looked so sweet in there yesterday, and I am finally thinking that this whole thing may just be real!! I may just end up with a baby out of this whole nightmare of infertility. I still find it hard to accept, even when Turtle lets me know with her feet that she is in there, even when I sit and listen to that beautiful little heart on Doppler, when I watch my belly dance at night, and even when I get to see her beautiful face on an ultrasound, it is just to much for me to take in!! I feel like this can't be my life, this can't be happening to me. I have dreamed about it for so long that it just can't be coming true, and I expect to wake up any minute to find that it is/was all a dream, and none of it is real.

Then there is the reality of it. I am almost 24 weeks, the goal that I set for my heart to really take ahold of this little one and let it be real, because we all know that 24 weeks is the "Golden" time when she can be born, and still "make it". So, it looms on me. It is a relief, and yet a curse at the same time, because then the preparations that I have been avoiding at all costs will have to begin, and yet I am still not wanting to do any of them.

My Infertile mind is still stuck in that "24 weeks is still no guarantee stupid"

"Yeah I know that asshole, why do you keep repeating it??? Can't you just let me be happy?"

"Nope, have to keep you FIRMLY planted in reality!!"

And so it goes..... Not sure when I will reconcile this argument with myself, but I sure hope that it comes before Turtle does so that she won't end up sleeping in a clothes basket like I did!!!

Over It......

Completely!!! First off I will get the simple stuff out of the way...

Weight- 147.5- not a freaking pound in 4 weeks??????
BP- 116/68- A little happier with that one
Protein- Nope
Sugar- Nope
22.1 weeks but Turtles Gestational Age is 23.1 weeks per last Fridays U/S.. Great news!!!! This really makes me happy because it puts her a week closer to the golden 24!!!

So, I am truly starting to doubt my choice of an OB office!!! I was set to see a doc yesterday that I had been supposed to see before, but she had cancelled, she was also the admitting doc for my trip to L&D on the 13th...... So, you would think that she would at least have a CLUE???? Nothing!!! First off, I was there on time, appointment was @ 10:30, called back at 11:00, she flies into the room at 11:12, busts out the Doppler, listens, looks at my chart...... and I Quote " Baby is growing good, sounds great, you look good, see you in 4 weeks"

Uh WHAT??? I literally had to grab her sleeve to stop her from hauling ass right back out the door. I asked her what about the contractions...

Well how much terbutiline are you on she says...

NONE....

Oh he didn't send you home on it??

NOPE...

Ok well how many are you having??

Sometimes 8-10 an hour sometimes one or two.

Well if you are having that many in an hour then you NEED to go back to L&D to have them monitor you. (Yeah ok just my favorite thing at this point) Ok she says well let me check your cervix..... Nothing closed tight as a drum, see you in 4 weeks. Then she literally RAN out of the room!!!! Are these people fucking kidding me here???? I just grabbed my chart read what they wrote, and walked to the desk... looked at my watch... 11:20... No kidding less then 10 minutes. So, the girl starts setting my next appointment and says

"Oh you need your Glucola"

"Uh no I don't, can't drink that stuff, they said something about eating Jelly Beans" ( I abhor Jelly Beans BTW!!)

"Oh ok well let me check with the doc"

Which prompts the doc to come up a chastise me about not telling her about my Gastric Bypass... I blankly looked at her and told her it was in my records had she read them!!! Score one for me!! LOL So, they track down the lab vampire, and she informs me in an even more condescending voice then the doc, that I literally have to sit right in front of her and eat the 18 BRACHS JELLY BEANS, has to be 18, and has to be BRACHS. Ok fine, I can follow freaking directions, I mean hell I shot myself up twice a day among other things to get pregnant with this kid, but I might not be able to handle that menial little task........

So I walked out of there no more understanding what is going on with me and Turtle then when I walked in. Ahhhh but I have a plan... I am going to call my PCP, and have him run some blood work for me to hopefully alleviate the concerns that I have. I have to tell you that I really looked into this place, and even went with a friend, who has gone to them for years, in the final months of her pregnancy, and I just wasn't expecting any of this. They treated her so differently, and it just kinda blows my mind!!

The concerns that I am having are these:

I am having intense itching all the time...

My hair is falling our terribly... hence the hair cut....

I once had a B-12 deficiency that almost ended me up on the psych floor of the local naval hospital (idiots thought I was on drugs!!) and I feel that coming on again.

I am really concerned that I am getting enough Iron and protein to keep this little one growing PROPERLY.

The itching and the hair I am thinking may very well be my Thyroid acting up, and I simply need a blood test to find that out. My moms whole family has had thyroid problems, and mine has been high once or twice, so we all know what fun pregnancy can have on a body!!!

I just wish that someone at that office would listen to me when I freaking talk!!! I was so mad when I left, I called Clark and just cried. I am sooo frustrated. I am thinking about calling and just asking for a sit down with Dr. ManHands because she seems to be the most understanding of them all.... go figure!!!

Well, Friday is the Fetal Echo cardiogram, so I will let you all know how that goes.... at this point nothing has been seen, so I don't honestly anticipate any problems at all, but then we all know how tricky this little one has been!! LOL :o) See you Friday!!!

I feel like Sampson!!!!

You know the story where Delilah cuts his hair and he loses all his strength?? Well that has been my life since I cut my hair!!!!

So far I have been sick as hell, lost my credit/debit card, had family drama, and spent 18 hours of hell in Labor and Delivery!!!

Thursday I had a docs appointment and decided after that I wanted to have lunch with Clark, so off I went, we had lunch, and after some visiting with his co-workers, in which I am pretty sure I jinxed myself by handing out invitations to Turtles shower, I went home with what I thought was just a little bit of a headache. Well by the time Clark got home from work around 5 pm I felt like I wanted to cry!!! I had started off just having the headache, and a little bit of cramping when I got home, but in that 3 hours it went to almost constant abdominal pain, and even pain into my vagina. I also noticed that my legs had swollen to huge proportions, and I had stopped urinating. At Clark's urging I busted out the Doppler to listen to Turtle, and we were startled when her HR went from the 140's down to like 50 during one of these "pains". I freaked, and called the OB who told me to carry my butt to L&D to get monitored, so off we went. We get there at about 7:45 pm check in, and got all hooked up on the monitors. They gave up on the heart rate monitor because my belly is just to little for them to keep Turtle's HR tracing, but left the contraction monitor on. We sat there for about an hour and a half after getting all hooked up, when all hell broke loose, and the nurses come in with an IV, and a bunch of needles!!! I looked at the nurse, and she said, "Hunny you are staying for the night because you are contracting every 2-5 minutes!" WTF?? I just started to cry as Clark asked what all the needles were for. The nurse explained that they were going to start me on an IV, and give me 3 terbutaline injections over the next hour and a half to try to get everything calmed down. All I could think was that at 21 weeks 5 days there was NO WAY this little one was ready to come out. They gave me the first terbutaline injection, and I can tell you that I HATE THAT CRAP!!! Omg I felt like I had just run a marathon!! It is the most horrible feeling I have ever had!! The second one just made it worse, and then they told me that they had to do an FFN (Fetal FibroNectin) test.... yeah that was a great experience to let me tell you!! No speculum, no lube, just me, the nurse with a glove, and a swab!! Nuff said!!! Then came the 3rd shot, and some Ambian to help me sleep. By that time it was about 11pm, and I told Clark that since they were going to keep me that he might as well head home because I knew Kent was already upset, and there was no point for him to stay with me when Kent would need him the next morning, not to mention that we have 6 dogs who need to be looked after!!! So after a pretty tearful goodbye, he was gone and I was alone to ponder the rest of the night. The Ambian SUCKED and did no good, I was up most of the night staring at the clock, having contractions, and crying.

Clark came back at about 9:30 Friday morning, to let me know that he had gotten Kent off to school and taken the day off. I told him that the midwife had been in to see me at about 7:30 and said that the contractions were looking better, but I informed her that I was having more then the monitor was picking up, and that I had a BLAZING headache thanks to the meds. She told me that they were gonna look at the tests, and call the nurses later to let them know what to do with me. Well, right after Clark got there, they told me that I was going down for an U/S to check my cervix, so off we go to do that. The tech said Turtle looked great, and that everything seemed to be just fine, and sent me back to my room. So, about 11:30 the nurse comes in and tells me I can leave..... Uh ok, any meds to go home on?? Nope doc said to just take it easy and they will see you on Tuesday. I told her I was NOT leaving w/o see a doctor and getting some answers!! So she calls them and comes back to tell me that the doc won't be there til after 1:30 and if I want to wait I can. So we waited, I had some fantastic broth for lunch, and at 1:30 the "Man" strolled in, told me that my cervix was long and closed, the previa had totally moved, and my contractions weren't strong enough to cause any problems for Turtle. He also said that there was no point in putting me on meds because the baby looked great and the contractions were just being uncomfortable... Ok, the nurse couldn't have just freaking TOLD ME THAT 2 DAMN HOURS AGO???? He just laughed, but Clark and I found nothing about it funny. So he left after telling us we were free to go..... 20 minutes later, we were still sitting there waiting for the nurse to come get the IV out, so finally I sent Clark up to the desk to see what was going on. He stood there at the nurses station for almost 5 minutes before anyone even acknowledged he was there, so that didn't help his mood at all!! So finally after another 30 minutes the IV was gone and we were out the door!!! Clark took me out to IHOP for some real food, and we made it home just in time for Kent to get off the bus. The bus driver told me that Kent had been terrified for me all day, and kept asking if the Turtle would be ok if she was born today... of course they told him yes, but we all know that couldn't have been further from the truth!!

So here I sit still having contractions, trying not to worry about this little girl of mine, and relishing every little move that she makes for now!!

How much do you think it would cost me to get my hair glued back on???

Monday and a Half!!!!

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while.... My mom was here visiting, and we were trying to cram a lot into a little bit of time!! Turtle is doing just fine, in fact she has decided that she has a few favorite spots that her feet love to connect with!!! So that is a big one, I have finally felt this little girl kicking!!! It is amazing, and this past Saturday, after I had checked her HR on Doppler, both Kent and Clark saw her kicking!! It was more of a fat jiggle, but hey they knew it was her kicking!! I am still not showing, at all. It is getting on my nerves because I really want to sport that BELLY!!!

While my mom was here we did some looking at baby stuff, still nothing coming in this house until at least 24 weeks!!!

She helped me take all 6 dogs to the vet, that was a chore, and I ended up getting cut up pretty bad by one of the collars... Sad when you go to the Vet, and they have to give you first aid!!!

I got 14 inches of hair cut off, and it feels fantastic!!! Oh I sooo love it and so do my guys!!! My hair dresser didn't want to do it, but I made her, and I am going to send the hair to LocksOfLove. Dramatic I know, but the hair weighed almost 5 1/2 pounds when we put it on the scale!!! So I think it was time for it to come off, not to mention my head feels so much lighter!!!

I ended up at Urgent Care on Thursday night because I felt like I had something like Strep coming on.... Got there, went back, they took my temp and it was 101.8!!! They did a rapid Strep, and it was negative, so they took blood, and my white blood cells were pretty elevated, so he decided that I needed antibiotics, because I had some sort of bacterial infection. Needless to say I felt like Crap the rest of the night, and actually still do for the most part!! While waiting for them to get my meds, we went to eat, and some Putz hit my van in the parking lot and tried to say that I ran into him. I was stopped, and he hit me, but I got out and told him that his car looked fine, and my bumper had a little streak of paint on it, so no harm no foul. Not to mention that his car was a piece of crap, and there wasn't one panel on it that was the same color... but I really just wasn't interested in getting into a fight with him, so I let it go!!

We really didn't do much for the rest of the time that she was here because I felt so bad, and she went home early Sunday. I really had a hard time letting her go, because this is the last time I will see her before the Turtle is born, and we all know how Grandma's are!!! It was just really nice to be able to spend time with her alone, where we could talk and laugh about all kinds of things!! It did make me realize one thing though..... my mom is aging, and that makes me sad!!! It is hard for me to see her wrinkles, and her grey hair now more then ever, because I feel like I have cheated her out of having a gaggle of grand kids by now, and I worry so much that with some of her medical issues that she won't be around for Turtle like my Grandma was for me!! I never realized how being pregnant changes how you look at so many things differently......

Kent is doing ok in school, tired, but that is to be expected as he is in a bigger building now!!! Just waiting to see how things work out for him over the next few weeks!!

I have some appointments coming up next week, OB on the 18th, and Fetal Echo on the 21st, so if I don't see you before then, then I will let you know how they go!!!