What was I thinking??.....

When I left the house this afternoon?? I was requested by DH to go out to lunch with him because well, I am a SAHM, the Boy went back to school today, and he was home "mourning" ... gotta love having a govt. employee as a spouse. (most of the time anyway) I really haven't been feeling to well on this BCP/Lupron combo, and I have been VERY bitchy, and besides I had a headache, but I told him that I would love to have lunch with him. See, I was thinking that I could get one more meal of Sushi in before (hopefully) I can't eat it for 9 months, but he had other plans....

I need to cut into my own story to plant a seed in your minds ... we live in the south, I am surrounded by RedNecks, and most of the time I really don't mind as they can be wholly entertaining to be around, but there are times when I know, and am reminded that we live in an area where the gene pool is shallow at best. No, I am not "from" here I am a transplant, and yes I totally chose to live here, and I for the most part love all of the RedNecks I run into ... but I digress...

So into town we go and DH decides that we will go to Mega chinese buffet. Now we live in the rural south, and our town has maybe 200 people, so when we go to the "city" it isn't a major metropolitan area at all. The shopping here is limited, and so are the eatery choices... esp. the ones that I will eat at, and Mega Buffet is one of the ones I like. So in we go, and the first thing I am faced with is the CUTEST little Asian baby. The woman holding her is obviously not her mother (the blonde hair, and very pale skin gave that one up), and she is in the middle of what I am sure is her answer to that very question.... "well, we left her middle name as her Korean first name, I don't know for the life of me what it means, but I am sure that will give her something to look forward to finding out when she is older." Are you freaking kidding me?? You left an intrigal part of your child's heritage intact but you don't know what her name means?? I have it on very good authority that it is very important what Korean women name their babies, and it is also very hard emotionally for them to relinquish due to the family values there!! (I have a Korean step-mom) ACK....

So, we get seated, and what to my eyes do appear??? Pregnant bellies everywhere.. holy shit... Don't they know an Infertile has entered the building, and they should all run screaming from the joint for fear of catching it??? Ok, maybe not, but for crying out loud... I know that pregnant women love chinese food, but how in the hell did so many of them end up at this buffet?? Oh that's right, I live in rural America, land of few choices of places to eat really good chinese food, screwed. The sad thing about it was that it seemed that as one left she was replaced by yet another. The highlight came though when I was on a trip to get more snap beans (I'm a Junkie feeding a habit!!) and I find myself standing next to 2 of the aforementioned bellies. Now my plan was to get my beans, avoid eye contact, and return to my table ... but this woman commanded my attention with the best comment I have heard in a long time... "I can tell you that losing my job last week is the best thing that has happened to me this whole pregnancy, but with what welfare pays for babies these days I don't know how I am going to feed two extra mouths." @@ So, I HAD to look up, and I looked into the face of my worst nightmare ... she had to have been pushing 50 (no I am serious), reeked of cigarette smoke, had filthy clothes on, a few stumps of teeth left, and she was making this comment to her 14-16 year old looking companion with identical (albeit slightly smaller) PG belly..... Nuff said. Don't you just love rural life????

I get a horrorscope everyweek that goes a day at a time for the week, and as if I wasn't having enough of a problem deciding if doing this IVF was right, timing, and all the other doubts I am having I get this email from the writer of my scope.. in it she freaks me the hell out... look at this....

This new period of luck will be bountiful. I can already feel it vibrating very deeply in me! ( am I the only one who see's that as WEIRD???)
This lucky period starts for you at the very beginning of January 12th, 2007 and will reach its peak exactly 83 days later, on April 5th, 2007 (the second very important date in your life...)!
After that, you'll still have 145 days left in the lucky period, then, that's it. It'll all be over -- unless you've learned by then to take charge of your luck, to grab it with both hands and direct it where you choose!
But we're only talking about your financial problems now -- we are forgetting the emotional side of your personality. You are also in the midst of negotiating a very important turning-point in your emotional and family life. Despite your financial difficulties, Rebel, you've succeeded in maintaining a certain bond of intimacy with your close friends and loved ones.
And so much the better for them and for you. You really must decide to free yourself from this heavy burden created by the negative waves you've been accumulating for so many, many years. It's your happiness and your future that we are talking about now, and by extension, the happiness and future of your close friends and loved ones. Yes, I see happiness and love headed your way, Rebel, the love which you've always aspired to and which YOU DESERVE!

Now where in the hell does this come from?? I mean really this kind of thing wants to make me run screaming from the room not send her money for some stupid book for cripes sake!!! I don't have financial issues, and if I did how would sending her money help me there, other then being 10 bucks broker?? Oh boy. If I was suspicious, I might bite as the 11th is the day I am supposed to start stims, and I think that about the time my luck would change would be right about the time I would deliver ... oh great there goes 10 bucks.... FUDGE!!!

3 Days and Counting.....

I think my husband is trying to kill me, or he wants me to kill him ... either way someone in this house is probably going to HAVE to die!!!

DH calls me Friday afternoon and asks what my thoughts are on a new TV... I didn't think that we really needed one, but he has been wanting a new one for a while now. In the past say year, before we got our new furniture, we had discussed a new Hi-def TV and entertainment center. The new entertainment center would be needed because the one we had is a) to small for the tv he wanted, and b) the wrong color of our new coffee and end tables. So when he comes home from work, Kent and I are told that we will be going out to eat, and then to Sears to pick up said new TV... I thought this odd because Sears isn't where the tv and ent. center I thought we were getting was sold. But alas, my husband has decided that his sights were just to lofty for his wallet (not really, but who knows what the hell men really think) and he had decided that he no longer wanted to invest in a new ent. center. Ok, fine I realize that at this point an argument isn't going to get me anywhere, so I go along to see just what it is that he has decided he is going to buy. Well, after spending over an hour and a half eating at R*by T**sd*ys, and totally being disappointed AGAIN, we march off to find out that our little Sears is now closed at 6:30. On. A. Friday. Night. Are you freaking kidding me here??? Apparently they don't stay open past 6 pm for fear of making some extra weekend cash, who knew. So off to the house we go empty handed. Well, shit, no new toys tonight.

I was up just bright and early with visions of insulin needles dancing in my head, and couldn't get back to sleep after having to fight with 2 dogs over my little blanket, so I am up, and it is now 7 am. Saturday. There was some discussion the night before as to whether we should also replace the 10 year old shelf stereo that we have hooked up for "surround sound" to our very shortly to be replaced tv, so I get into W*l-M*rt mode, sans internet, and find a very nicely priced system that will very surely fill our needs. After Kent gets up, eats, and we handle the run to the dump, we were off to town once again... Well, wouldn't you know, said Sears doesn't even sell our new TV, and what in the hell made the Man think they would??? My house is bigger then the square footage in that whole damn store.... ahhh, but I have to admire the saleswoman who tried in vain to convince us that we HAD to have a HDTV flatscreen cuz they were THE best.... Yeah whatever, I know that you work on commission, and I want THAT tv which your store doesn't posses..... Buh bye. Off to Wally World. Do you think they have what I need??? NOPE. In their defense the store is getting ready to close to move a larger (THANK THE GODS) location, so they are a little low on inventory. Just my Luck!!!! Hot Dogs for lunch and back home. Well, needless to say our next chance at this TV finding us requires a one hour (if Clark drives) trip to Virginia... SHIT. I hate driving up there. But alas, the TV beckons to Clark as if his life depended on it, and the Wally World 10 blocks away was sure to have the surround sound we wanted (way bigger store!!) Mind you it is now 4:30 pm as we all climb back into the van and head out. Now herein is where my problem lays, mostly. I have been VERY, and I do mean VERY Bitchy the last 3 days. Maybe it is the Lupron, but maybe it is the snotty remarks Clark keeps making everytime I mention getting pregnant this cycle. He thinks that I am getting way to excited. Are you kidding me. It was the due date thing again he tells me in the van. Well, then forget I even mentioned it for crying out loud!!! We got the TV, the surround sound system, Advil (desperately needed by me at this point), dinner at a place I love, and made it back home by 8:30. And he was still alive. We take everything out of the boxes, hook it up, and of course you know there is an issue. So, after listening to him whine for over 2 hours, I finally figured out what was wrong.... let him fix it, and sent his ass to bed!!! Who knew a TV could be such a strain on a person. I have to admit that I am disappointed that we ended up with a smaller TV then we had been talking about, and no new ent. center, (because we all know that oak and cherry so clash) mostly because it was something that we have been talking about for so long, and I really would have waited a few more months to save the money.... I never will understand that man......

Not luvin' this Lupron...

So far ... terrible headache, and the Ovaries were "making noise" all day long... I guess I am thinking that they are trying to pull the cyst stunt from October again, and get me canceled. If it goes on like this all weekend, I am gonna call the clinic Monday to let them know ... no sense it getting to day 14 and getting crushed. Maybe I am one of those people who can't take Lupron, although I searched this damned Internet, and was hard pressed to find anything noted about any other ovaries pulling what mine did. So, that further makes me wonder... UGH, this is how it starts ... the self doubt, good lord I hate doing this to myself, but it is like I can't help it. This cycle won't be any different then the rest of my life!!

I did something very premature the other day, and I think Clark was pretty mad about it, but didn't come right out and say it. See, I got a site sent to me that calculated the prospective due date of a child conceived during IVF. So I put in a date of Jan. 21 assuming that would be 10 days of stims, so that would prolly be ER day. Well, imagine my surprise when the due date was just off Clarks's by 4 days, I told him, and he was really irritated that I did that. Sometimes he is so hard to read.

I know that he wants to protect me, and I love that about him, but good lord what is it going to hurt to look something like that up?? I mean really it isn't like I went out and bought 3 grand worth of nursery furniture or something like that. But, I know that he knows that I will have that date stuck in my heart now..... Like I said this is the story of my life!!!

And So It Begins.......

Lupron in the Morning

So, I am now sitting here listening to my hubby snore like a madman due to the fact that, he who had no sympathy for me last week/end, is now so sick he is sleeping sitting up. I also just found out that 4 day old sushi is not a good idea either... YUCK!!!

I had this amazing post all typed up, and was about to hit send when the whole system shut down on me.... The freaking cat, who has taken to sleeping under the computer desk where the doxies used to be, just rolled right over on the damn surge protector and shut the damn thing off... CRAP!!! I should tell you his name is Satan for a reason.....

I hope that all of you had a very Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. As for me my Christmas was ok, nothing worth jumping all over about, just ok. I have been blessed with so many friends though, and getting cards from all of them is always so nice. The only bad thing this year was the lack of my intelligence to obviously inform EVERY person that got a card from me as to the "state of the union" because I got 3 cards today, and have 8 total in which I have been asked the "addition/s to the family" question. Now you would think that most of them would get the hint when they got a photocard that just had the 3 of us in it, and no letter making any announcements to the effect of an addition anytime soon. I blame myself for this though because up until I found out just how damn infertile I was, I wasn't worried about sharing my little problem, but now that IVF is being "forced" on me that freedom to discuss has changed. I just don't know how people will react to the path we have taken, and frankly I don't care, so I would rather just not give them a chance to piss me off!! I mean people have been outright disrespectful at the fact that we adopted an older, physically disabled child from the foster care system, and I was honestly shocked at the STUPID things people said to me ... including some members of my very own family. But hey they can all kiss my ass, that is MY SON, and I don't care how he came to me just that he is here (even if we do have a lot of bad days right now, I still love him with all my heart!!) and it is noones business why. So I guess I am just beginning to wish that I had never mentioned it at all, but then I would still be fending off dumbass questions anyway ... it is a Lose/Lose situation. I normally do a letter letting everyone know what has been going on this year, and since all that has happened in the last few months I really just didn't feel like doing one this year, I mean what will I start off with... Well, once again, the powers that be have denied us a biological child for yet another year.... Yeah that would have gotten some phone calls I can promise you!! So, for the sake of self preservation, I just decided that the card was going to be FINE this year w/o a letter.

So, on to the thought that Clark had yesterday in the kitchen.......

Him... Oh damn, I think that I have to renew my license this year don't I??

Me... Yeah I think they do the 5 year thing.. you know 25, 30, 35....

Him... Holy shit that means that I will be 35 this year... OMG I am sooo old!!

Me... yeah and you will hit that birthday before our prospective child, should this cycle pan out, be born....

Him... Holy shit I am really getting old........

I cannot tell which is more traumatic to him having to get a new license due to being 35, or the fact that he will be 35 period... I don't think the dad thing even got through to him!!! It just doesn't touch him like it touches me at all, and I don't think it ever will.

So X-mas day gave me a little slap in the face... I posted when my in-laws were here visiting about Clark's Niece being PG again, and I was really shocked to hear that they just found out the sex last week (Boy by the way). It was then that it hit me, she has been pregnant for quite awhile. My MIL dropped that bomb on me after I tried, in vain I am sure, to convince her that I like the sweatsuit she got me.... And then like 5 minutes later it hit me that she is a lot further along then I thought she was. Hmmmm that makes me sad. Only because it must be nice to get pregnant only 9/10 months after your first one was born, and you weren't even trying. I wish I had the luxury of not even trying. So, I guess that made my day a little bitter sweet.

I am sure that you can see that my level of excitement for this cycle is pretty low, infact I am getting edgier by the day. Tomorrow morning starts the lupron again, and I am just crossing my fingers that this time the crap does what it is supposed to do!! I do want this to work, but I have got to stay sane with the thought that is probably won't just so that I keep from being crushed beyond repair. A friend asked me if I was tired of going through all this, and I told her that "No, I am not tired. I am so fucking exhausted I could care less at this point." So that is where I stand right now. 14 years has put a lot of hurt in my heart, and taken a lot out of my soul, so I guess when you fight this long, and finally start to get somewhere, the progress in itself seems so infinitesimal. It isn't that I don't care anymore, but for the sake of sanity, I have had to lower the bar that I used to hold my body to!! I am being positive, I swear, I just have to protect myself to.

So, I am off to bed as I am still not feeling very well, and I haven't been sleeping the last 2 nights either. Good Night.

It's almost time to start again...

Oh the time has flown... I have been so freaking busy this week I totally forgot to update....

Well the IVF nurse called me on Monday afternoon to tell me that our cycle was a go!! So on the 28th of December I start the Lupron, the 4th of January I take my last BCP (THANK GOD!!), and then the 11th of Jan. I start Stims... Pray like hell that this all works out or I may lose my mind!!! I had to go up on Tuesday to pick up the BCP's to get me the rest of the way til the 4th, and the office manager said I didn't look or sound very excited... I just smiled and told her that I was practicing self preservation!!! I am excited, but I refuse to get worked up anymore!! So that is it on that front for now.....

My van got fixed, but I almost blew a gasget when they made me pay for the rental... I was like WTF?? You have never made me pay ever before, so what is this now??? The repairs were covered under the warrenty, so I didn't expect to have to pay for a rental. I was so freaking hot I payed it but I am going to call the corperate office and let them know that is total BS.... Esp since it took them 4 days to figure out there was even anything wrong with the damn van in the first place!!! ASSHOLES!! UGH.

So Christmas will be here in just over 30 hours, and I am soooo looking forward to it being over. I have not felt it this year, even worse then last year... infact we just put our tree up last night... And that had everything to do with Clark.... I guess I better get with the program huh?? It is just so hard to feel anything other then miserable.

I have spent most of the last 4 days laying on the couch sick as a dog anyway, so I guess that gives me a little out. I have a chest/sinus thing going on, and actually started getting a fever yesterday. Then last night my ears and throat started hurting really bad... I just hope that I feel better by the time we get up X-mas morning.

There is a lot going on in my head that I will tell you about in a day or so.... but for right now it is better left unsaid....