Ultimatum...

Just to start off this post, I hate that word up there. I never have liked it or them, so being in this place has me bound up like a dog on the first day of hunting season!!

I had to go to the clinic yesterday for a repeat Beta and ended up with an U/S while I was there. Long story short they wanted to make sure all was right in the blood work department, and that nothing was lurking in the Uterus of Death that could cause further issues. I only bled for a day and a half and then spotted for 3 days after Sneaky left the building, so I guess there was concern. All was "right" in the ute and tubes, and the Fellow (future RE) that saw me actually had to ask how old I was because she said I had the ovaries of a 20 something year old. Ha!! I got the call from the nurse later that Beta was zero, my other levels were normal, and then a cryptic message that the IVF coordinator was going to be speaking with my doc and would call me with further instructions. Huh?? Didn't know what to think, but I had my suspicions.

I had my annual Pap today, and the doc asked me right out after hearing about the two losses how I felt about trying further. I explained about the totcicles, and that we would continue with our plans for a Frozen cycle, and if that was a bust then we were done.

When I got home there was an email from my RE, and I KNEW what it was going to say before I opened it, I saw it coming from a mile away. She asked me to seriously consider doing a few medicated cycles with Fem.era or Clo.mid. Yeah apparently now that I have proven that sex does manage to get me knocked up, they want to see if I can just get there with a little push from them, instead of a full on frozen cycle. Gah!!

Keith and I have tossed this idea around before and ultimately decided against it because I had no luck with them before we did IVF, so it was kind of a mute point. But now things have changed, and my body is somewhat with the program, so OI (ovulation induction) is back on the table as an option. It however presents me with a whole new freaking dilemma, the Totcicles.

This is where the Ultimatum comes in.... after discussing our options tonight, Keith told me that it has to be one or the other not both.

So, this is where I get bound up.

I cannot stand being told I have to chose, given the chance I will try everything to meet in the middle in some way, but this is just not an option this time. I had to be honest with myself though, and realize that financially we can not afford to do a few medicated cycles and then a frozen if they don't work, or vise versa. I hate the thought of not using my totcicles, but I also feel this exciting little urge to try to get there mostly the old fashioned way.

Right now we are paying over a hundred bucks a month for storage of the totcicles, which honestly had a big part in the decision to just go on and use them. They are there, and aside from donating them to another couple, or using them ourselves, they will stay frozen. I will not destroy them.

We have actually had donation on the table with 3 different couples, who ended up unable to use them. I don't want to use our clinics donor program because it is anonymous, and that is just not how we want it to go. We really want an open kind of "adoption" so to speak.

So, here I sit trying to decide if I put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and use the totcicles, or do six or so medicated OI cycles and hope for the best. Now do you see why I HATE ultimatums????