Blissful Ignorance.....

Is something I don't have!!! I know all Infertiles for the most part lose this when they find out they are infertile, and I am no different. I haven't had it for almost 17 years now, and if one more person tells me that I am just overreacting to everything that has gone wrong with Turtle and this pregnancy since the beginning, you all might just see me on the national news. I am just sick to death of people who had uneventful pregnancies telling me to not worry, and unfortunately this crowd includes my Mother. I yelled at her the other day to just STFU and let me be sad. Let me cry damn you, this isn't your baby, and this isn't your bad news!!!! I love my mother don't get me wrong, but some days I just don't need to hear how she thinks that I should handle things, because we are different people, and she copes a hell of a lot better with most things then I do, she has had 3 healthy pregnancies, and 3 healthy children. Even some of my infertile friends have pulled this one on me.... mostly it is the ones that didn't have an issue once they got pregnant, and while I am happy for them, I feel that they could be just a tad more accepting and understanding of my fears.

Needless to say things have been pretty tense in the house for the last few days, and while I try to maintain some sense of normalcy, the tears are ALWAYS there just under the surface, just waiting for me to let them out... which I have totally obliged on way more then one occasion!! Even the beauty of the humming bird family that visits my feeders a few times a day has moved me to tears several times. It is the innocence of the way they move that gets to me every time. They are so small, so delicate, so beautiful... sort of like my Turtle. Yet every time I see them I am painfully aware that one of them may not return with the others the next time......

I know that there is a very good chance that Turtle will not have Downs Syndrome, but the "What If?" is there. It cannot be taken away with words about how wonderful children and people with Downs are, how loving, how totally innocent, and how beautiful their spirits are... I already know that, but it is different when it is YOUR child, when you have to wonder about how you will provide for the every medical and emotional need of a child who may very well be so mentally challenged that they will never function in society. That they may never comprehend how much they are wanted and loved. That we may spend the rest of our lives raising a "baby". So while I know that the odds are for us, I also cannot stop thinking about the ways in which our lives would drastically change should this scan show that we have a very special Turtle coming into our lives.

I guess what I want back is that Blissful Ignorance that was stolen from me so many years ago, and seems to elude me yet again at every turn. I want to belong to the pregnant women clan who all love to shop at Babies*R*Us, and maternity stores in the mall. I want to join the clan that hasn't had to have 10 ultrasounds by the time they are 17 weeks just to make sure the baby is still alive, hell I want to be in the group who didn't have to shoot up everyday 3 times a day just to get my fucking ovaries to do what they are SUPPOSED to do in the first place, and an abdomen that isn't so full of scar tissue that the only way for me to have embryo's get to my womb is through a plastic catheter. It isn't fair that we have had to fight so damn hard just to have Turtle growing in my body, and it isn't fair that any of us Infertiles have to fight, but most of all it isn't fair that we all have to walk around praying that we were "normal" and having our Blissful Ignorance stolen from us!!!


By the way, I have an OB appointment on Tuesday with an U/S to check that clot, and my Level II is scheduled for the 24th (Friday), please say a little prayer that I can make it through this week with out totally losing my damn mind, as close to the edge as I am right now, I am holding on with all that I have.