May 10, 2012

Letting go......

I know I have been back and said I was going to post more often, but things just get in the way more and more often, so before I know it I have been gone for several months!


Things are not going well here in the Infertile household.....


I had another miscarriage in February, just 2 days after we found out, I started bleeding and it was all over.  I followed that a few days later by a Seizure/Blackout/Loss of consciousness right in the middle of Walmart.  I ended up in the ER for over 8 hours getting all kinds of tests run, and having them basically tell me that they thought I was having either a pulmonary embolism, a heart attack, or a stroke.  I just love that they couldn't settle on one flipping diagnosis.  So now my Neurologist has forbidden me to work or drive, for at least 6 months after the incident, so guess who gets to spend all her days staring at the same freaking walls??  Yeah that would be me.  I have Lauryn here with me for 2 days a week, but then she goes to daycare the other 3 weekdays.  It gives me a reprieve, and lets her get some social interaction.


My migraines are still with me, and still uncontrolled, so that hasn't helped me out much in the morale department either.  I am so sick of being in pain all the time, it is really frustrating.  I have had 2 concussions in the last 6 months, one in the car wreck, and one when I fell out in Walmart, so I think that has only added to the severity of my symptoms.  The Neuro is trying to find a cocktail that works, but we keep hitting a wall with almost everything.  I even got Botox in the base of my skull to try to deaden the muscles... good times let me tell ya!!  :o)


Mr. Infertile and I are on the outs.  He isn't happy, and hasn't been for a long time he decided to tell me... all right in the middle of everything else I have going on.  Overwhelming to say the least.  He sprang it on me one night, and asked me all point blank if I even care that he is unhappy.  Uh yeah I care, but if you don't talk to me I can't do anything to try to make it better.  He said that I have some behaviors that he really doesn't like and has a very hard time accepting them.  Now mind you this man and I have been together for almost 20 years, and you just realized that you don't like some of the things that I do, or have you just been letting this wound fester for years??  So life in the house is pretty tense all the time, I feel like I have to be Suzy homemaker and a sex slave all the time, but it is never good enough. I walk on egg shells all the time.  It is really getting old, and I am getting tired. 


Needless to say we are no longer in the "Trenches" doing any kind of baby making, in fact with the way things are going, I have been pretty resigned to the fact that this time next year as I get ready to turn 40 that I will be a mom in just the same capacity that I am now.  Lauryn and only Lauryn.  See, I am not one of those women that wants kids after 40, and yeah I guess that I can say that since I have one, then I am good, but just this morning she asked for a sister to play with.  Heart wrenching.  How do you explain to a 4 year old that right now daddy is being an ass, mommy's body never does anything right, and that it is against the law to steal a kid from someone else??  You can't. I just told her that we would have to see what we could do.  I knew this day was going to come, and I had practiced what I was going to say, but that didn't make it hurt any less.


I have also been dealing with some pretty serious friend betrayal issues.  I found out that a friend who I loved like a sister, considered her family mine, and had asked to be Lauryn's God Mother, was talking about me behind my back.  Normally I wouldn't let it bother me so much, but the things that she divulged were of the deep secret kind, stuff I hadn't even told my mother about, and she did it in front of a stranger.  That stranger knew me and approached me after thinking on it for about a week, and told me what was said.  I literally got sick to my stomach to hear what was said.  She called me a Junkie, said I was abusing my meds, I was high when I wrecked my car, and that I had stolen meds from her.  Now, none of these things were true, and I really feel that after 8 years and all the shit we had been through for her to say stuff like that behind my back was the ultimate betrayal.  I have to be civil to her for now because she still owes me money for a car that she bought off us, so until we get that taken care of, then Keith won't let me confront her.  I can say that it must not be upsetting her to much, because she has only called here once in the 5 weeks since I found all this out and posted a snarky status update on FB, she didn't even respond to it.  I am still very sick over the whole thing though because I did consider them family, so it has really hurt me to the very core of my being.


So that is a small spattering of what has been going on here, I am really going to try to start coming here more often since I have to quit therapy, and just sitting here for this post has made me feel tons better....... hopefully there is still someone out there reading this!!  :o)

11 comments:

Lorraine said...

Hey, Rebel, hang in there. Sounds like you have had more than your share of crap lately. I hope you can figure it out with the hubs, seems like that always makes things better...

Can you read with the migraines? I am in the middle of Thinking Fast and Slow. Think it might be actually life-changing for me,even though it's not supposed to be that kind of book. Highly recommend!

girlranting said...

I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through with your friend. Sometimes friends just stab you in the back for no reason and no warning, and it hurts like a bee. Hang in there tho, it will get better.
As for your migraines... I used to have them, until I finally figured out I was getting them because I was anemic. Have your blood iron levels checked, because mine were really low and as soon as I started supplementing my iron intake, they went away. Something to do with iron making red blood cells and me not having enough of them to carry sufficient oxygen to my brain and my brain being pissed off about it. Go figure. Oh and if you smoke (I was a smoker at the time) you gotta stop, doesn't help a bit.

Kim pedersen in CT said...

I am sorry to hear about all this, what it rains it pours!! Take the time for you..I have migraines too, I have been put on daily meds and that seems to help, I know you have to find what is right for you. I like what Girlranting said,that is a good idea..Friend betrayal is tough..I have been through it as well..probably why I tend to stay alone,that and the medical issues I have..but I check on your page for posts to see how you are. I am glad to hear from you, sad it is not good. Just remember at night to hug your sweet angel...Kids have a way to make it better!!!One day at a time..Hugs!!

Alana said...

Bless your heart! SO sorry you have so many cruddy things going on right now. And to have to "play nice" with your former friend who hurt you so deeply...I can't imagine how difficult that must be.

Hope things turn around soon. And most importantly that you feel better soon. I think once your body and migraines are feeling better, it will be easier for you to deal with the emotional stuff. Hang in there!!

nuryulliani1 said...

be strong. hope everything runs well. blessing

Stacie said...

Many, many hugs. (((hugs))) I hate that things always seem to go south in a big way. When it does, it is so easy to slide into that pit of dispair...been there myself during our dark days. I still take dips in the pit even now.

Amanda said...

So Sorry my friend!! Yes, I'm reading :)

Kristin said...

I'm so damned sorry things are so rough. Has your neurologist tried betablockers? That was the only thing that worked for Marty.

Unceasing, uninterrupted Valkyrie said...

When It rains it pours,...

Please write more if it helps!!!

There are people who read and care :D

astral said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through some rough stuff. I hope things are getting better. {{hugs}}

Stephanie said...

Dear IMW,
I would love to read your blog but the pink text is hard for me to read. It would really help if you changed it to a darker color.