Hello again.....

Well, I don't expect anyone to still be out there listening to me anymore since I seem to go 6 months or more without writing, but things have really gotten out of hand in my life, and blogging was the least of my worries.  I just have so much on my plate that it seems even when I want to sit and blog, something happens and I don't end up doing it.  Well, that is all going to change, I will be back here on a regular basis with updates of all that have happened in the last few months.  I am also looking forward to catching up with the blogs that I read.

Christmas is less then a week away, and I am just so overwhelmed with everything that I can hardly focus.... I have so many little things to finsh that it seems like I won't get them done.  I had to quit seening my therapist because she offended me, when I tried to talk to her about my desire to have another child, she literally got mad and told me that I was lucky to have my daughter and that I need to be more thankful for her, and learn to appriciate more what I do have.  Well, I don't need a shrink going of on me and being snotty when I am there to work through the feelings that I have, so I jumped ship on her and am looking for a new one. 

I started having seizures again, so my Neuro has diagnosed my with epilepsy and now I cannot drive, ride my horse, or go off alone.  So I am either stuck in the house all day or have to rely on the few friends I do have to run me where I need to go.  It sucks to have your independace snatched away from you so quickly, and totally.  So, I have been doing all kinds of little projects around the house to keep me busy and occupied.  Cleaning and trying to sell my bow holders, but that is going slow to.  I have just been feeling so useless and so much like a burden because I have to have someone take me to appointments, grocery shopping, and any number of other things.  Not to mention I have 2 friends who ditched me, who were like sisters to me, so I only have 2 friends in the area that I can somewhat count on to take me places, on is my horse trainer, who is getting ready to move away, and the other is a grifreind dealing with a severe back injury from work, so she can't really do to much with me either.  So usually Keith has to take the day off either partally or totally to take me to appointmentsI guess I am depressed because I have lost my freedom, and the neuro even suggested that I get rid of my horse.  Keith and I talked about it, and he will let me keep him if I get leg straps and a helmet.  I just feel so helpless right now.I mean I am 39 years old and used to be very independant, that this last 2 weeks has really been a struggle for me.

Oneof the big decions that I had to make was that we had actualy done a few Femera cycles before the last 2 seizures, but the neuro totally told me no more baby making, not with the meds that you are going to be on, so I made the decision to get a hysterectomy because I don't even want to run the risk of and accidental pregnancy and then the baby being born with something wrong, I couldn't do that to me Keith, Lauryn, or the new baby, so with all my reproductive hystery, I just decided that a Complete Hysterectomy is the best road for us to go at this point, just to avoid any acciendental pregnancies.  My surgery will be January 28th, and while I have mixed feelings about it, I am doing the right thing.  I wouldn't want to subject a child to special needs becase I just HAD to have another baby.

I have come to some terms about it but some are still aluding me, I worry that I am doing the right thing, but that I won't be able to live with myself once it is over.  I will truely be infertile then.  No going back, they are going to talke it all.  I think I kinda of tripped out the OB as I told him that I wasnted my uterus back because I was going to plant it under a tree so that the damn thing would be forced to grow something.   It didn't want to work internally so I am going to get it to grow something externally!!

Well, I have to go get the girl ready for bed, but I will be spending a lot of time updated you on a few other things that have been going on.  If any are you still there I would love to hear from you!!

Letting go......

I know I have been back and said I was going to post more often, but things just get in the way more and more often, so before I know it I have been gone for several months!


Things are not going well here in the Infertile household.....


I had another miscarriage in February, just 2 days after we found out, I started bleeding and it was all over.  I followed that a few days later by a Seizure/Blackout/Loss of consciousness right in the middle of Walmart.  I ended up in the ER for over 8 hours getting all kinds of tests run, and having them basically tell me that they thought I was having either a pulmonary embolism, a heart attack, or a stroke.  I just love that they couldn't settle on one flipping diagnosis.  So now my Neurologist has forbidden me to work or drive, for at least 6 months after the incident, so guess who gets to spend all her days staring at the same freaking walls??  Yeah that would be me.  I have Lauryn here with me for 2 days a week, but then she goes to daycare the other 3 weekdays.  It gives me a reprieve, and lets her get some social interaction.


My migraines are still with me, and still uncontrolled, so that hasn't helped me out much in the morale department either.  I am so sick of being in pain all the time, it is really frustrating.  I have had 2 concussions in the last 6 months, one in the car wreck, and one when I fell out in Walmart, so I think that has only added to the severity of my symptoms.  The Neuro is trying to find a cocktail that works, but we keep hitting a wall with almost everything.  I even got Botox in the base of my skull to try to deaden the muscles... good times let me tell ya!!  :o)


Mr. Infertile and I are on the outs.  He isn't happy, and hasn't been for a long time he decided to tell me... all right in the middle of everything else I have going on.  Overwhelming to say the least.  He sprang it on me one night, and asked me all point blank if I even care that he is unhappy.  Uh yeah I care, but if you don't talk to me I can't do anything to try to make it better.  He said that I have some behaviors that he really doesn't like and has a very hard time accepting them.  Now mind you this man and I have been together for almost 20 years, and you just realized that you don't like some of the things that I do, or have you just been letting this wound fester for years??  So life in the house is pretty tense all the time, I feel like I have to be Suzy homemaker and a sex slave all the time, but it is never good enough. I walk on egg shells all the time.  It is really getting old, and I am getting tired. 


Needless to say we are no longer in the "Trenches" doing any kind of baby making, in fact with the way things are going, I have been pretty resigned to the fact that this time next year as I get ready to turn 40 that I will be a mom in just the same capacity that I am now.  Lauryn and only Lauryn.  See, I am not one of those women that wants kids after 40, and yeah I guess that I can say that since I have one, then I am good, but just this morning she asked for a sister to play with.  Heart wrenching.  How do you explain to a 4 year old that right now daddy is being an ass, mommy's body never does anything right, and that it is against the law to steal a kid from someone else??  You can't. I just told her that we would have to see what we could do.  I knew this day was going to come, and I had practiced what I was going to say, but that didn't make it hurt any less.


I have also been dealing with some pretty serious friend betrayal issues.  I found out that a friend who I loved like a sister, considered her family mine, and had asked to be Lauryn's God Mother, was talking about me behind my back.  Normally I wouldn't let it bother me so much, but the things that she divulged were of the deep secret kind, stuff I hadn't even told my mother about, and she did it in front of a stranger.  That stranger knew me and approached me after thinking on it for about a week, and told me what was said.  I literally got sick to my stomach to hear what was said.  She called me a Junkie, said I was abusing my meds, I was high when I wrecked my car, and that I had stolen meds from her.  Now, none of these things were true, and I really feel that after 8 years and all the shit we had been through for her to say stuff like that behind my back was the ultimate betrayal.  I have to be civil to her for now because she still owes me money for a car that she bought off us, so until we get that taken care of, then Keith won't let me confront her.  I can say that it must not be upsetting her to much, because she has only called here once in the 5 weeks since I found all this out and posted a snarky status update on FB, she didn't even respond to it.  I am still very sick over the whole thing though because I did consider them family, so it has really hurt me to the very core of my being.


So that is a small spattering of what has been going on here, I am really going to try to start coming here more often since I have to quit therapy, and just sitting here for this post has made me feel tons better....... hopefully there is still someone out there reading this!!  :o)