Yeah it seems that I have developed this quaint little issue, even though I was only pregnant for 2.5 seconds 3 months ago. I can tell you that it effing sucks butt. My PCP dx'd me with ADD in January, and then put me on Add*rall. It was amazing how the fog lifted from everything, and then I rapidly began my decent into hell. I guess reality was just a bit to much for my fried mind to handle, and in the last two months along with cycling, I have been trying out meds to help with this depression. Nothing is helping the feelings that I have though, it only seems to make them worse. The harder I try to be positive about things the more I am reminded of what I have lost in the last year. So, when I saw the PCP 2 weeks ago, he told me I had a slight case of PPD, to go along with everything else.... Nice.The day of Dreamy's loss is approaching, and I find myself having dead baby dreams, massively detailed ones at that, and frankly who needs shit like that running through your head when you are sleeping as well as during the day to?? I haven't been blogging because I really didn't know what to say... it isn't all rainbows and sunshine here, and I refuse to pretend that it is, so I just keep my mouth shut. I was prompted to post tonight because I feel like I owe it to what few readers I do have to let you know that at least I am still alive, and just being an asshole by not posting.Femera cycle #2 was a bust. I had one huge follie on each ovary this last time, and still couldn't get it right. Got that fantastic news this morning, and it has broken me down all day. I took Lauryn and tried to get out of the house only to be confronted with newborns and bellies everywhere we went. I am so sick of my body letting me down. I had two chances at happiness again last year, and I feel like I lost the chances that I had. In some ways I feel like both of those pregnancies were a huge tease. My body giving me something and then saying "SYKE, did you really think that you could be so lucky??"I am so tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. It has drained just about everything that I had in me, and it is fucking fair. I want so much for something to give. While I am glad that my RE thinks that my body has it in it to pull one last pregnancy with a real live baby at the end, my faith has disappeared with the fog that the Add*rall took. I don't think it has it to give anymore, but then I think, well maybe just one more month. When do we learn?? When is the heartbreak of "Just one more cycle" enough?? I think that I am really nearing the end of this whole thing. I am tired of letting my body dictate to me what it will and won't do when it comes to IF.So that is where I am at. Tired. I just want all this shit to be behind me so that I can mother the one child that I was blessed with, because this has been affecting her to, and that is where I draw the line.
Separation Devistation, Middle of Nowhere, Colorado, United States
I am Erica (Rebel) soon to be ex-wife to Keith. I am mom to an amazing little girl named Lauryn (Turtle), and a sweet son named Cody. Keith and I were married for 20 years. After 14 & 1/2 years of trying our 2nd attmept at IVF/ICSI was succesful, and gave us our Lauryn. After living what I though was the life I wanted all along, my world came crashing down December 29th of 2012. I am now separated from Keith, he has custody of Lauryn, and I am alone and trying to find my way back to myself.