To Many Irons in My Fire...

To say that I intended to not blog for so long would be like stating that I hate to sleep... but in fact I have not done much of either recently. I honestly don't know which is worse at this point! I truly hate that I have been so busy that I cannot find the time to sit and write here, this is my space, the one I come to when I need stress relief, and to just plain bitch about things. To be honest with you there has been both stress and the need to bitch about it. I have some serious things that I am dealing with, and so I thought I would finally put them out there in the hopes that A) you will all forgive me for being gone so long, and B) I just need to tell you all what has been going on.

The Turtle is doing great for the most part. She had a really bad fall on the 10th which had me running her to the ER for fear that she had broken her nose. Nose is fine, but she was sporting a nice pair of black eyes for a few days. She also bit right through her lip to when she fell, and I can tell you that the sight of blood coming from her face was enough to send me into a shear panic. Oh and not to mention it was mostly my fault that she fell, so that added to the massive guilt that I felt as she cried for her daddy when he came through the ER doors, almost gave me a breakdown. I hope you will trust that she is OK, as she is rapidly doing harm to a TootsiePop as I type this. We also had her 18 month well baby visit last Friday morning, and she is doing just fine. 33 3/4 inches long, 22.5 pounds, and doing most of the milestones for her age. She was however dx'd with a mild case of cystic exema on her foot... never heard of that before that day, but oh well, lots of lotion will do the trick.

Kent is trying my patience with his attitude, and blatant disrespect. He will not leave his room, and while I know this is part of being 17, for him it just isn't healthy. I am really becoming concerned about where he will be in 5 years, and it bodes badly for all involved. He has no motivation at all, but then has the nerve to be mad at his friends when hey tell him they are busy... yeah well they have cars, girlfriends, and jobs, they don't want to sit around and play video games with him all day. I just cannot get him to understand that they are changing and leaving him behind because he refuses to move on with them.
On the surgery front, still no word. They called the 9th and left a message on my cell (which doesn't ring here at the house... uh duh we live in the BOONIES, and I have told them to only call the house) for him to have surgery on the 10th. I was really irritated that the whole thing got messed up. I can't help but think had we been at the hospital that morning Turtle wouldn't have had her fall... hmm. Guess I will never know.

Clark hasn't been feeling well, and then came home one day to tell me that he thought he needed to lay off the coffee because it was making him jittery. When I asked him to define jittery, he said it was like his heart was racing. The next day he tells me that he started having chest pain at work, and then he took a 3 hour nap, which he NEVER does. I was on the phone the next Monday making an appointment for him with our PCP. Our PCP was on vacation, so he had to see another doc in the practice. His BP when he was there was 150/110, and they did an EKG. EKG looked ok, and they gave him a new med and told him to follow up with our reg. doc. That follow up was last Friday, and he has been feeling crappy since. The doc did a chest x-ray, ordered a stress test, blood work, and changed all of his meds. So now we wait until this coming Friday to find out those results, and the results of the blood work they did. I am honestly scared because this isn't the first heart related scare he has had. The poor man has been on BP meds since he was 27 and has never gotten sufficient control from them.

So, as you can see between all of this and our upcoming FET, things have gotten really insane here...

Oh and speaking of FET's, today was ThawDay and I am happy to report that Snap, Krackle, and Pop all made the thaw and are looking fantastic for tomorrows transfer. It has been a long road. Some days I wasn't sure I could take one more needle or bruise, but I am really hoping and praying that this will all be worth it in about oh... about 10 months.

I have had so many people tell me how brave they think I am, but I don't feel brave at all. Some days I feel downright desperate, I mean who in their right mind would do this to themselves?? Oh yeah, this is me we are talking about, the Queen of Never Satisfied Land. I can only hope and pray that this cycle works because this is it, the last one. No More. We have in fact already chosen another couple to donate our remaining Totcicles to, and started the paperwork. So in a way tomorrow will be very emotional for me, more so then normal, because these little guys are my last hope. So please send up a little something to whoever you send your thoughts to, and ask them for some help getting at least one of these little ones to hang out. I can honestly tell you thought that no matter what I am ready for it to go either way. I have done all I can to get pregnant again, and no matter how this ends, I will be fine.

Thanks for letting me catch up, I will let you all know how the transfer goes tomorrow... until then.... Hugs to all my internet friends!!!