I HATE BEING PREGNANT!!!!

Yeah that's right I said it!!!

Being pregnant SUCKS!!!

If it isn't one freaking problem it is another, and it is really getting old!!! The sad thing is the guilt in which I am encompassed every day for even saying the above statement!! After almost 15 years I have attained the goal that was so hard fought and won, and it is NOTHING like I expected it to be. I wanted to glow, be disgustingly cute, and overjoyed!! HA!!! I will let you know when that time comes I promise!! This 13 weeks has been so long that I cannot imagine another 27 weeks of it and honestly think there are days when I may not make it to the end.

We had a very terrible week last week as I woke up the morning of the 8th passing some pretty good sized clots, no active bleeding just clots. So I get Clark up, call the OB nurse, and she tells me to get to the ER ASAP. We drove the 40 minutes to the hospital, sat there for an hour and a half just to get triaged, and then waited another 30 minutes to get a room. Well the first thing I see when I walk in are some folders hanging on the wall, and the top one is labeled "Fetal Death Worksheet"... I looked at Clark and just started bawling, and told him that was a really shitty place for that!! So after almost 3 hours of waiting, a lot of blood letting, and a pelvic exam, in whisks the doc of the hour, does a 30 second U/S and these were his exact words, "Baby is moving, has a heart beat, don't see anything to keep you here". No shit!! no "Lets try to find out where the blood came from," just an ok, you can go now!!! So 8 hours, 2 blown veins, and a script for pains meds, and I am on my way home!!! What a fucking JOKE!!!

Well, Monday I had a long dental appointment, and called the OB nurse after to tell her how things went. She decided after I told her that I was still spotting to get me in the next day instead of the appt. I had for the 12th. So Clark and I head in to the office the next day, the 10th, after lunch, and are ushered right into the U/S room. The tech tells us that she has a bunch of measurements that she has to do, and then we can peek at the Turtle. She got done, and we looked.... There was little Turtle having a ball, moving all over the place, H/R of 182, arms up over his/her head like a Soccer Hooligan yelling "Score!!", and looking quite like one of the aliens from the Movie "Mars Attacks"!!! We got pics, and were sent off to see the doc. I was pulled in for urine, BP, and weight. Glucose in my urine, B/P was 110/60, and weight was 141... all good until she says to me.." Did the U/S tech discuss your scan with you??" Uh no.... "Well, the doc will talk to you about it then." So then I start freaking out about what the hell that could mean, and I was right to worry..... I have Complete Placenta Previa with possible inner uterine growth. Sounds like fun huh?? Well, the doc says maybe it will move but he doesn't think so, and the chances of a c-section are pretty much 100%, because the placenta looks to be growing into my uterus..... So that also means a possible 75% chance of a Hysterectomy when Turtle is born to save my life, if we make it that far, because there is a good chance that I could abrupt at any time killing Turtle, and possibly me all at the same time... So, does that justify me hating being pregnant enough????

You know I went into this whole IVF thing knowing the risks, but I never thought that it would get this bad. I could lose my life, and the life of my unborn child, just because I was so damn desperate to have a baby of my own. Yeah well look how that little bit of greed turned around to bite me in the ass!!! So needless to say, my days are spent very close to a) the phone and b) the couch. I am not allowed to do much of anything at all to avoid an abruption, including going to the movies or out to eat, so I have become a prisoner in my home!!! Clark has been great, but I know the whole thing is stressing him out as he watches me slip further into a deep depression over the whole thing. Kent has been good to, he passed summer school, and when he is home, he helps me with everything. Kinda funny, I used to have to take care of him 24 hours a day and now the roles are reversed!!

I can tell you that my brain is getting even with me on a regular basis with the most horrid and vivid dead baby dreams I think I could ever have... I have woken up shaking and screaming from a few this week... I have a feeling the news that we got on Tuesday has just compounded my fears though and that is my sub conscious' way of dealing with it.

My hair is falling out by the hand fulls to, but the doc said not to worry!! HA, soon I am going to look like a freaking Chemo patient if it doesn't stop!! I think the only good thing that has come out of this pregnancy so far is the fact that my mom is so scared over all of it that she is coming out to visit for a few weeks. She is just as terrified that something terrible is going to happen as the rest of us are, and not having seen each other in 3 years she decided to come on out!!

So I guess I won't make any false promises about when I will update again, as frankly I don't know when it will be... But should anything drastic happen, I will be sure to let you all know... Hugs for now!!