December 3, 2011

Hello?? Hello?? Anybody out there??

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have posted here that I had to clear cobwebs off my dashboard when I logged in!!

Wow, OK so since my last post in April there have been a lot of things that have happened, we went on a surprise trip to see my Grandparents for Easter, my grandmother truly had no idea that we were coming and the look on her face was priceless, of course then she says " You little shit I just talked to you on the phone yesterday and you didn't tell me you were coming." I told her that was kinda the point, it was a surprise. My granddad cried when we walked into the house, in all my years I have never seen that man shed a tear, but he cried and hugged me so hard I thought I was going to break in half!! There was a down side to the trip though that made it very hard on me, my grandmother has Alzheimer's. To see her disease progression since the last time I saw her broke my fucking heart. I am so hurt for her because she watched her mother die from this, so she know where she is going and she is just as scared as everyone else. I love her so much, and you can never imagine how hard it was for me to see this woman who raised me for some of my life, and who was so very strong, forget what she put in her shopping cart by the time she got to the the next isle. It kills me knowing that she is is going through this almost alone, and that there is nothing I am do to fix this for her. I am just very thankful for the time that I had with her, the fact that she got to watch Lauryn do her very firs Easter Egg hunt, was a big plus to. I guess that my work as a nursing assistant is a bad thing in this case, because I know what the disease progression is like, and frankly I hope she goes before it gets really bad, because I can't see her living in a nursing home, it would literally kill her.

So, then on the baby making front we were doing some femera cycles... yeah well none of them worked, and we have put baby making on hold because I have lost an obscene amount of weight, and Keith doesn't think that I am healthy enough to get pregnant right now. I am at 102 pounds.... now don't hate, because I used to weigh 262 pounds, so all that loose skin that looked just kinda bad at 140 pounds looks holocaust survivouresk on me now. I guess that has a lot to do with why I haven't blogged either, I have been so depressed and going through so much in my personal life that it was over whelming me, and I felt like I didn't even want to write, and that is bad because I have always Loved to write!! So, even having this outlet sort of taken away from me has made me feel out of sorts.

I have been having some really bad migraines, to the point where my pcp referred me to a neurologist, and sent me for an MRI. My migraines were getting so bad that I was taking so much medication that it was really messing with me, I was having memory issues, and sleepwalking all kinds of odd stuff, and then I had my car wreck. Yeah it was bad, and frankly I shouldn't be here typing this post, I rolled my car 4 times and hit a telephone pole, but my airbag didn't go off. Had it, my head would have been smashed like a pumpkin. I was actually swerving to avoid a deer, and ended up in a soybean field. There was a car in front of me who had seen everything, and she got out of her car and told me she had called 911 and that we had to get Lauryn out of the car. We tried to pull her door open, but it just wouldn't give, so we ran around, turned off the car, and opened the back passenger door. I got Lauryn out of her car seat, out of the car, wrapped my arms around her and sank to the ground bawling that she was ok. I on the other hand was not I had cuts all over my legs and arms from the windshield shattering, and the seat belt literally gave me a "road rash". They forced me to give Lauryn up and go lay on the road because I had a HUGE bump on my forehead, and the lady said she thought I probably had a concussion, so she wanted me to lay down until the ambulance got there. Ambulance comes, you know the drill.... back board all that fun shit, I had to call a friend to come up and get Lauryn so that she didn't have to go to the hospital with me (she was totally unharmed BTW, Thank God for Britax Car seats!!!), but I don't remember any of it honestly the last thing I remember is the part about getting Lauryn out of the car and being laid down on the road, everything after that.... fuzzy. I was in shock. So get cat scan slight concussion, here are some pain meds... yummy!!! :o) Then in comes the trooper to ask me what happened, I told him all I could tell him was I swerved to miss a deer, and that I remember the car rolling, and what I wrote above but that that was it. So, this Jackwagon asks me if I had had anything to drink before I left the house that morning, I told him yeah coffee, wasn't that what was all over the inside of my car. Then he asks if I was on drugs, I told him that I take medication for my migraines, but on mornings when I drop Lauryn off at preschool, I wait to take them til after I get home because of any possible effect they may have. Well about that time Keith shows up, the Trooper, pulls him out in the hall, tells him I was speeding, and that people smelled alcohol on my breath, and that my best friend had told him that I was on drugs (she was the one they released Lauryn to) and that I better pray that my tox screen comes back with only the meds the doc prescribed or he is going to get me for DUI..... whatever, I don't even drink, and I hadn't taken my meds that morning so it came back clean. I think he was actually pissed that it did, because he got in my face and asked me what I had learned for this experience, and I looked him square in the face and told him "Next time Bambi's ass is fucking Mine!!" The nurse that was checking my IV almost pissed her pants to keep from laughing. I had no cares by then due to all the drugs they had pumped into me, and he was being a jerk off anyway, so whatever. He actually gave me a ticket to, get this for "Failing to maintain my lane." Ya think dumb ass?? I totaled my car, almost got killed, and you just HAD to give me a ticket.... It got dismissed by the DA last week after I told her what had happened.  He was just being a douche buy giving me a ticket because I wasn't letting him get away with the even mere suggestion that I would drink, or do any kind of drugs for that matter when I had to drive my baby girl to school.  Here are some pics for you to see.....

Yeah, my pretty baby was a big mess!!  I have really taken a step back though since the accident and looked at a lot of things in my life, and one of them is that I love blogging, it lets me be me in a space all my own.  I can write or not write, there is no expectation of me here.  The other is that it is stupid to hold grudges, so I have mended some fences, the ones that I can, and honestly just trying to be a better person, I guess coming close to death will have that affect on you.

So, I am going to be back writing here on a regular basis, and sharing some things from the last few months as I catch you all up on things... I know I live such an interesting life that you are all just DYING to hear about it right??!!  Later!!