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Well, work is going fine. I am going to try to take the CNA classes during the day now since I am not getting to many hours at work. I love doing home health though, so that doesn't really matter. I am going to start getting on the eliptical in the mornings, I need to get rid of some of the junk in my trunk before I go to California in May. I am going out there for the National Foster Parent Conference the 7th-14th, and I am really looking forward to it!! One week of not having to deal with hubby, kid, and dogs will be nice... although by the second night I am missing the hell out of them!!
I guess our adoption is moving right along, and I am really having mixed feelings about the whole thing to tell you the truth, I am scared that we will officially be parents, but then I worry that this is the only child I may ever have, so it has been fun being in my head lately. I worry that I will screw something up with him, or that I won't love him the way he deserves, or that I will even feel the love for him that every child deserves. I do love him, but it is one of those comfortable loves, almost like you have for a pet, but then my animals are like my kids so that might not be to valid. I just think somedays that I am making a mistake. I have so many feelings about this whole thing that I confuse myself most days. I mean once those papers are signed, he is ours, and there is no going back from that, even though I don't think I could ever do it anyway, there would be no worker to help me, or DSS if things got so bad that we had to give him up. Oh geez the things that are different when you have an older child that your adopting. I don't think that I would go through half of the emotions and thoughts that I am having if we were adopting a newborn or toddler, and I feel so guilty about that. See I told you it was fun in here!!! Good grief!!
Snickers is getting pretty bad with her hips, and I had to take her to the vet this am for more x-rays and some blood work, to see if she really has Lupus like they think. She has lost a lot of weight, and actually walks more on her front legs then her back ones, so I am pretty worried that she is getting to the point where we might have to think about putting herdown. Although that makes me very sad, I think it is the best thing for her, and the only thing is timing. She is Clark's baby, and I know that it kills him every day to see her in so much pain, and he can't bear to let her go yet, so we will see today what the vet says about how bad the hips have gotten, and go from there. P went with me and barfed all over the van, so I had to clean that up, but she weighed in at 50 pounds this time, and today she is 20 weeks old. She is so smart I just love it!! All of the other dogs are doing fine, BB ripped the pad on one of her feet, and I had to tend to that, but the rest of them are staying healthy, which is nice on my wallet!!
Well, off to the eliptical, and then to work... Later....
Well, I know it seems like everytime I say I am going to get here more I seem to fade out, but I have really been busy with work!! I have had some very strange patients, but now I just have 2 that are 3 hours apiece, so that will leave me an hour for lunch, and be done early enough to get Kent off the bus everyday! Snickers has been getting worse everyday, and has been diagnosed with Lupus, so there will be some vet visits in our future. All the other animals seem to be doing great, and the P is growing like a weed!! she is 49 pounds already, and was 19 weeks old on Monday, she is the love of my life, and such a cutie that it has been a riot to watch her grow everyday!! She is so smart and fun!!
Our adoption homestudy was the 28th of January, and everything went great, so now hopefully this thing will move a little faster!! I am getting antsy, and yet still have a lot of mixed feelings about this whole thing... does that sound weird?? It just seems that I started to second guess myself now that it is getting closer... ugh I hate this stuff!!! Oh well, I hope that Clark remembers Valentines Day, and gets me something sweet!! I am gonna get him and Kent something this weekend. Oh well I have to work early, so I am gonna head out!!
Well, I have to admit I am scared to death about my orientation tomorrow, and going back to work after almost 3 years of just staying at home and caring for Kent and the house. I am looking forward to it, but dreading it at the same time. I guess in a way I feel like I will be leaving the safety of my four walls and getting into reality once again. I also worry a lot about all of the medical issues that Kent has, and if they will be willing to work around the times I might have to take off. Oh hell, I am just scared of having to be an adult again!! LOL I am sure that sounds weird, but it has been easy to hide from the world when all I had to do was stay at home, and run Kent around or do a few errands. Not to many people realize just how much IF (Infertility) affects the way you see the world. I look around and all I see is people living the life that I want to have, now don't get me wrong, I love Kent very much, and enjoy having him in my life, but there are so many times in my days when I just sit and long to be pregnant, and to have a baby of my own. My mother says that I am just obsessed with the idea of being pregnant, and for along time I thought that maybe that was true, but the more I think about it, I want what I can't have with Kent... a chance to hold that little body, and love him from the day he was born. I guess that in so much as I am lucky to have him here, I feel cheated that his parents had the chance to be there for the moments that I missed. Having him now, and dealing with the "baggage" gets frusterating, and is very depressing at times. I know he feels the same way, and I would love to just be able to erase all of the bad times for him, but hopefully like the bad things that happened to me when I was young, they will serve to make him stronger.
I got to have lunch with a dear friend today, and finally met her new daughter, oh boy did I fall in love!! Holding that little life in my arms just strenghtened my resolve to move on with my IF treatments, and do what I have to to bring a child into my life. It was just so amazing to look into those eyes, and see the innocence and purity, and I didn't have the slightest regret at all for taking her. Most of the time I pass on holding baby's, but this was different, there is no feeling of jealousy or anything. that doesn't happen to often with me, and I am sure that it has to do with the fact that my friend has been where I am now, and she totally understands the pain that I am in. That is one of the things that I am thankful for in my life is that I know so many women from AOL who are going through this right now, or have been through it, who can grasp my feelings and not lecture to me about how I should feel, or what they think I need to do to get pregnant. I mean 13 years is a long time to fight for something, but I can't give up!! UGH, I better stop before this turns into a cry fest!!
Wish me luck tomorrow, I might need it!!! I will have to take my Paxil before I go though... LOL Don't want to have a panic attack the first day!!! :o)
P.S. I almost forgot, our new homestudy is set up for Friday afternoon at 4.. I hope she decides to show up this time!!!
