To Many Irons in My Fire...

To say that I intended to not blog for so long would be like stating that I hate to sleep... but in fact I have not done much of either recently. I honestly don't know which is worse at this point! I truly hate that I have been so busy that I cannot find the time to sit and write here, this is my space, the one I come to when I need stress relief, and to just plain bitch about things. To be honest with you there has been both stress and the need to bitch about it. I have some serious things that I am dealing with, and so I thought I would finally put them out there in the hopes that A) you will all forgive me for being gone so long, and B) I just need to tell you all what has been going on.

The Turtle is doing great for the most part. She had a really bad fall on the 10th which had me running her to the ER for fear that she had broken her nose. Nose is fine, but she was sporting a nice pair of black eyes for a few days. She also bit right through her lip to when she fell, and I can tell you that the sight of blood coming from her face was enough to send me into a shear panic. Oh and not to mention it was mostly my fault that she fell, so that added to the massive guilt that I felt as she cried for her daddy when he came through the ER doors, almost gave me a breakdown. I hope you will trust that she is OK, as she is rapidly doing harm to a TootsiePop as I type this. We also had her 18 month well baby visit last Friday morning, and she is doing just fine. 33 3/4 inches long, 22.5 pounds, and doing most of the milestones for her age. She was however dx'd with a mild case of cystic exema on her foot... never heard of that before that day, but oh well, lots of lotion will do the trick.

Kent is trying my patience with his attitude, and blatant disrespect. He will not leave his room, and while I know this is part of being 17, for him it just isn't healthy. I am really becoming concerned about where he will be in 5 years, and it bodes badly for all involved. He has no motivation at all, but then has the nerve to be mad at his friends when hey tell him they are busy... yeah well they have cars, girlfriends, and jobs, they don't want to sit around and play video games with him all day. I just cannot get him to understand that they are changing and leaving him behind because he refuses to move on with them.
On the surgery front, still no word. They called the 9th and left a message on my cell (which doesn't ring here at the house... uh duh we live in the BOONIES, and I have told them to only call the house) for him to have surgery on the 10th. I was really irritated that the whole thing got messed up. I can't help but think had we been at the hospital that morning Turtle wouldn't have had her fall... hmm. Guess I will never know.

Clark hasn't been feeling well, and then came home one day to tell me that he thought he needed to lay off the coffee because it was making him jittery. When I asked him to define jittery, he said it was like his heart was racing. The next day he tells me that he started having chest pain at work, and then he took a 3 hour nap, which he NEVER does. I was on the phone the next Monday making an appointment for him with our PCP. Our PCP was on vacation, so he had to see another doc in the practice. His BP when he was there was 150/110, and they did an EKG. EKG looked ok, and they gave him a new med and told him to follow up with our reg. doc. That follow up was last Friday, and he has been feeling crappy since. The doc did a chest x-ray, ordered a stress test, blood work, and changed all of his meds. So now we wait until this coming Friday to find out those results, and the results of the blood work they did. I am honestly scared because this isn't the first heart related scare he has had. The poor man has been on BP meds since he was 27 and has never gotten sufficient control from them.

So, as you can see between all of this and our upcoming FET, things have gotten really insane here...

Oh and speaking of FET's, today was ThawDay and I am happy to report that Snap, Krackle, and Pop all made the thaw and are looking fantastic for tomorrows transfer. It has been a long road. Some days I wasn't sure I could take one more needle or bruise, but I am really hoping and praying that this will all be worth it in about oh... about 10 months.

I have had so many people tell me how brave they think I am, but I don't feel brave at all. Some days I feel downright desperate, I mean who in their right mind would do this to themselves?? Oh yeah, this is me we are talking about, the Queen of Never Satisfied Land. I can only hope and pray that this cycle works because this is it, the last one. No More. We have in fact already chosen another couple to donate our remaining Totcicles to, and started the paperwork. So in a way tomorrow will be very emotional for me, more so then normal, because these little guys are my last hope. So please send up a little something to whoever you send your thoughts to, and ask them for some help getting at least one of these little ones to hang out. I can honestly tell you thought that no matter what I am ready for it to go either way. I have done all I can to get pregnant again, and no matter how this ends, I will be fine.

Thanks for letting me catch up, I will let you all know how the transfer goes tomorrow... until then.... Hugs to all my internet friends!!!

BlackSheep...

As a child I tried to be independent, happy and carefree. My parents were unhappy with each other and not such great parents, which tends to happen when you get pregnant at sixteen and were forced to marry! They are both better off married to the people they have now!! To be honest that start, and things that happened to me through my childhood, good and bad, have shaped the person that I am today. Things could have turned out a lot worse for me, and they would had if I had not had some very special people take an interest in pulling me out of the downward spiral that I was in.

I was therefore colored as the BlackSheep of the family. Frankly I think that even as a 3rd grader the signs of Bi-Polar were there, but they didn't know much about it then, and still won't diagnose kids that young now. Looking back though, it was all there.

So, as I said because I was a little "off", I became the BlackSheep. If I was around, things got blamed on me, even if I didn't do them. We spent a lot of time living with relatives after my parents divorced, due to the fact that my dad was in the Army, and constantly off "defending" his country. I call it running from single fatherhood, but you know how the "greats" never do anything wrong.

As a teen I became overweight, hated school, and for the most part hated life. I attempted suicide several times, and was depressed most of the time. I ended up in residential treatment programs several times due to my depression and attempts to end things. Those places were what changed me. I became aware that the issues that I had weren't really mine, I mean they were, but they stemmed from the things that were done to me as a child. Sexual, physical, and mental abuse can ruin you if you let it. I made the choice not to let it. Of course by then it was to late, things had been set in motion that had labeled me in the family.

I still made some dumb choices... you know like getting married twice just because I could.. that ended badly both times. By the time I met Clark, I really knew what I wanted and needed in a husband, even thought I was only 19. I was still married to #2 when I met Clark, but he knew all about everything and chose to take me on with all of the issues that I had. He saved me, and I do mean that in the figurative and literal sense of the word. I think that had he not entered my life when he did, I wouldn't be here today, or if I was, I would be in a very different place. He accepted me for who I was, no questions asked. I have never felt good enough for him though, just so you know, those pesky little self esteem issues refuse to let my brain accept that someone could love me for me, not what they could take or get out of me. He really is the most amazing person I swear!!

Ok, I got off track.... Back to being the BlackSheep.... So, things in my extended family have never been easy for me. I have always felt uncomfortable when I go back home for big family gatherings, but it really has pained me when I didn't go. I felt like everyone was watching and waiting for me to do something stupid just so they could say that I hadn't changed.

I have not shared a lot about our infertility with most of my family. Those closest to me know what we had to go through to get the Turtle. The main reason I kept quiet was because I knew they would judge me and blame what was now a physical problem on some of my past indiscretion's, even though they have nothing to do with my IF... you know how families can be.

A few years ago before IVF and the Turtle, I went to a family gathering with Kent, and it was all some family could do to not be openly rude about the fact that we had adopted a handicapped child... I said fuck them, and I still do. I love Kent with all my heart, and I don't see him as that poor little handicapped kid they all seemed to have seen.

I promise I am going somewhere with this....

So after all these years and struggles, I have gained a lot of the family back that I lost when I was little. Most of them tell me how proud they are that I made something good out of what started so bad. I have a wonderful life, an amazing husband, and 2 beautiful children. I really have come so far from that scared teen of just 17 short years ago.

So, it really hit me hard and out of the blue a few weeks ago when I found out that my favorite cousin "D" had been telling people from the day Turtle was born that she didn't think the Turtle was my biological daughter, and if we had admitted that we adopted Kent then why couldn't we admit we had adopted her.

Yeah I know right... she put me out there, and I have really struggled with this news every since. I have drafted a hundred letters to her in my heart and in email... none of them sent of course because I worry. I worry about what people will think if I react so strongly to her accusation. Will they think it is true. Not that I give a shit about what they think, but I don't want what I say to affect the families feelings about Turtle. She is my biological child, I mean hell the kid is the spitting image of me really, and most of you here know what I went through to get her here.

I am angry and hurt that this cousin would say such a thing, she was the last person I expected this from, and honestly it has really cut me very deeply. I don't know what to do about it, as I will most likely see her in a few weeks when we go on vacation, and I am honestly not sure I can keep from beating her ass!! I refuse to let her take what I went through to get where I am today with my girl and trash it. I just won't do it. At first I was hurt about the whole thing, and now I am just plain angry. I mean this woman has a husband who is nice, and 4 beautiful children so why in the hell does she need to pick on me??

Dear sweet Internets, I really want to cause her bodily harm for tarnishing such an amazing part of my life with her big mouth. I will not though because that is what would be expected of me. You see I learned a very important lesson this week.... No matter how you change, grow up, and become a better person, people will always judge you by your past.

So, it still seems as though I am and will forever be the BlackSheep no matter how much I change, and as much as that sucks, I really don't give a shit anymore, because I have what I have always wanted... A Wonderful Life!!!

Heparin, Estrogen, and Totcicles... Oh My!!!!!

Let the FET begin!!!

To tell you the truth the whole thing seems rather anticlimactic. No U/S, no visit to the clinic, no blood work, just a phone call with the IVF nurse.

I had to laugh when I called her on Tuesday morning to tell her that I had been visited by the Red Tide, because I still had one Provera pill to take. She had scheduled her to visit this coming Saturday or Sunday... don't they know by now that my uterus refuses to be on their or my schedule by now?? So, this morning I started my Heparin injections (50 units) twice a day, and the Vivelle patches.

Hope is in the house, but I have her ass firmly duck taped, gagged, and stuffed in a closet. So, yeah she is here, but I am not letting her have her way with me just yet.

I will go in for B/W and U/S's on the 17th and 20th. Transfer is scheduled for the 22nd. We will be doing 3 embies ( if they make the thaw) with Assisted Hatching.

We leave for vacation on the 31st of July, and I will be in Utah for Beta day, August 5th, hopefully I will be able to just have my draw done at a lab out there with the results called to me by the docs.

Of course if you have been following me for any amount of time, you know that I will have POAS before Beta day, making it just a formality. I have decided that if the pee sticks are negative, then I will just wait til I get back after the 8th to go in. However, if by some miracle they are positive then I will go ahead and get the draw done out there.

So, there you have it... the game has begun. I am still working on that post I promised you all, but life has intervened once again, with the In laws here this past weekend, and our Internet being crazy, today was the first day that I have been able to sit here for more the 10 minutes w/o issues of some kind. I am working on it though.

Hugs to you all, and welcome to the Braces Bunchers just joining me!!

Finding Time

I can't seem to find the time or the energy to update these days. The summer has gotten started here, and the vacation reservations have been made. Most of my days are spent thinking to the future and what it may or may not hold, not to mention dealing with a very independent yet needy toddler. I am going to do this bullet style since there are a few updates that I need to give you. Here goes....

• Kent had his U/S and followup on the 10 of June, and he does in fact have a hydrocele that needs to be operated on... sometime soon. The original plan was for it to be in July, but when I called the scheduler, she said it may be some time in late August... not bad for an emergent procedure huh?? I meant that last statement with all the sarcasm I could muster. I still strongly dislike his doc, and she still makes me want to scream.



• Turtle was 17 months old on the 17th and still continues to amaze me.



• The In-Laws called last week and said they are coming out this week, so I will be very busy cleaning house the next few days. Oh the joy I am looking forward to with this visit... not. This is the MIL that has no filter, so I am sure that I will be back in a week to regal you with her wonderful and loving comments to me whilst she is here. :o)



• My birthday is quickly approaching, and I am really not ready for it.... to me it is not just one year older, but one more year on a calender to remind me of all the things that I wished I had been able to do before now.



• As I said above, the vacation plans are all in order, and we will be leaving here July 31st, and returning home August 8th. I will be attending a party for my grandparents in my home state, and then we will be going on to see the In-Laws at their house... 2 doses of MIL in less then 6 weeks... shoot me now please. Oh, and our plans were made and solidified before they decided to come out here, so as far as canceling that leg of our trip.... not an option.



• I will start Provera this Wednesday night in preparation for this upcoming FET cycle. A week on that and hopefully AF will make herself known, then I can start the estrogen patches, and the heparin injections. I am very at peace with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work then we will be done. I know it will hurt if it fails, but I am honestly ok with just having Turtle, and the experience that came with her.

I have also been dealing with some loss as my best friend lost her mother to Cancer last Sunday. We went to the funeral to support her, and for right now I am trying to just give her the time, space and love that she needs until her heart heals a little. She is in a sad place right now, and it makes me really hurt for her. I cannot imagine losing my mother so young (her mom was only 43) and I will hold my mother even closer from now on. In a way I feel some survivors guilt because of the fact that her mother was so young, and they were so very close. I really wish she could have had a few more years with her.

I am working on a post in the next few days about some very deep things, but I wanted to let you all know that I was indeed still here, and still going through my days. Hugs to you all.

300.....

When I started this blog almost 4 & 1/2 years ago, I never thought I would be in the place that I am today. I went back and read all of my posts today, and learned a few things about myself.

I am the same person that I was back then, only better. I say better because back then I didn't know how to feel my pain. Sure I put it out there for everyone to read, but I never really felt it. I denied a lot of what I was feeling for a very long time... sorta you know talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

When Turtle was born, I found the place where all those feelings had gone, and when I cracked the seal on it, it really hurt to much to do anything but look at it from afar. As the months have passed I have spent more time then I care to admit in that place, working through what once was my tangled mess of a soul. I can honestly say that I have come to peace with so many hurts from the past, just because Turtle is here now.

Everyday it is like she fills a piece of that dark place with the light that only she has. Having her here has allowed me to let go of so many negative thoughts, things, and feelings about myself and the other people in my life.

I have opened my eyes to see just how beautiful the world can be when you just stop for a minute to really look at it.

I no longer take the time that I have for granted, because I know that at any moment it can all be snatched away, and I want to have lived that time to the fullest.

So here is to 300 posts of tangled mess, and to the future 300 posts... may they be half as great as the Turtle is! :o)