Prayers Needed

For Kent.....

We went to the Nepherologist today for a check up, and as she was looking him over she noticed that his testicles were very swollen. When she palpated them, she felt two masses that are not supposed to be there. She called his Urologist right away, and they are working on scheduling an MRI and an ultrasound for next week. With his cancer history, this could be very bad for him. I am scared that I missed this, but hey, I don't inspect his body all the time, and he thought it was normal for them to be that big. Poor kid is scared out of his mind right now, and it sucks that I can't do anything to take that away.

Could the Universe throw anything else at me??

Oh hell who am I kidding, that is probably an invitation for more shit to head my way!!!

I will let you know when we are to go in...

FET Update

So, we got an email back from the RE, and talked about things... it was looking like a FET #1 was a go until this morning when I got the email from the business office... needless to say, the price is not what I had expected, much, much higher actually. It has really put a hold on things... probably permanatly.

I still owe them for my last 2 IVF cycle's, over 5 grand.

I don't know where to go from here. I really thought things were finally back on track again. Fuck.

Holding Pattern.....

Sorry to have left you all out in the cold for so long. I needed to recoup and things have been busy here. I went back to work on the 23rd of April, and even though the actual hours aren't that long, the drive is almost an hour each way. It makes the day go by so fast, but makes it long just the same. Turtle has been doing just great at the babysitters, and actually seems to enjoy going most days... the nights when we get home are another thing though, as she latches on to my pant legs, or legs, and holds on for dear life. To say this isn't frustrating would be a lie, and I have found myself close to losing my temper a few times. I feel like an ass afterwards, because I know it is just that she missed me, and wants to be close. Of course you can't break it down for her that I had a long day, and still need to make dinner and clean... she is to little to grasp that. My brain tells me that, but my patience center disagrees... A LOT!!

Damn...........

Needless to say, I started this post early this AM, and here I sit @ 10 PM finishing it. Kent is having some health issues, and those needed to be dealt with today. We think he is going to be OK, but we have an appointment with his Kidney doc on Friday to see what is what, and if this will be bad news or not.

I wrote a long letter to the RE about the FET issue, and I am waiting to hear back from her. I asked a lot of questions, and I am sure it will take her some time to get the info and get back to me.

I am sorry that I got off track and now I can't finish what I was saying this morning, but I promise I will work on it and let you know.

Crossroads.....

For the first time in a long time I have been really analyzing my soul. The true core of me, all that lies within. I have found that I am not as sure about myself as I thought I was. With the ending of this last cycle I was devastated beyond belief, and I fell apart. I am still struggling with a few issues, that I think will stay with me for a long time. I really wanted this cycle to work on one hand, but on the other I knew deep in my heart it was going to fail. I am not sure why I thought this, but if I had to guess I think it is because I truly feel as though my quota of happiness has been filled with all the blessings I already have. Clark, Kent and Turtle are all amazing people that I get to share my life with everyday, and I let my greed for more of the same consume me. I have "talked" to myself about what I really want with another child, and more often then not it was mostly to prove that I could do it again, have a baby that is. Not that I wouldn't love another child, but I worry very much that my thought process about having another child was selfish. I have a constant need to prove myself, I have since I was very young when it became apparent to me that my father had not wanted a girl as his first born child, or period. I knew I could never live up to my brothers in his eyes, so I did everything I could to please him. I still don't think I can. Nothing like having to live up to two people who were born more loved then you because of a different chromosome.

Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me Thursday for our follow up appointment, because I cannot make it into the office to see her personally. She said she was very sad that after all we did and tried this cycle failed. She knows I am in a place of resignation. She told me not to walk away from the frozen embryo's that we have without giving her one last chance. I told her that I honestly wasn't sure that I had it in me to fight the IF war anymore, and that I am very angry with my uterus and body right now, so that would be something I would have to really think hard about. She told me that they have one final trick they want to try and if that didn't work then she would let me go. I told her that Clark and I would talk and I would let her know. We talked about it that day, that night, and last night. Clark said to me, "You know in your heart what you want to do, so why are we even talking??" Why? Because I seem to be able to kill embryo's better then I can make them live that is why, and I need to feel like I am not alone in this. He is done, but I know that he will do whatever I ask him to because he loves me.

The last 48 hours have been hard on me mentally and emotionally. I have fought the Pro/Con fight, and I still cannot settle on any Pro's, but the list of Con's is longer then my arm. I am worried how I will take the bad ending of another cycle, this one was just so hard, it really damaged my heart. I worry about how this is taking away from Turtle, and if it will have a lasting effect on her. I worry that if I push the issue with Clark it may hurt us as couple. I worry about my body, I am not a spring chicken anymore, and all of this is taking a toll. There are so many more that I can't list them all. The only Pro I have is that I MAY get pregnant, and I MAY end up with a baby at the end, and since it isn't a deffinate, then it really dosen't count as a Pro.

So that is what mean in my title, I am at a crossroads. Do I risk the FET, or do I just walk away while I can?? I told Dr. OvaryWhisperer before I hung up, in my most sarcastic tone, "Thanks for letting that Bitch Hope back in the door."

Trying.....

I am really trying to do this thing.. you know living. Moving on.

I am having a very hard time though.

Not sure if I can do it.

Everyday I cry.

Everyday I get deeper into my nothingness.

One week after Beta, the end of Hope, and I find myself slipping into a deep depression.

So many around me are getting the one thing I begged for, and I can't find it in my heart to even begin to be happy for them.

I need to find my happy place..... Have you seen it??