R.I.P Lenita

Thursday was a shitty day in more ways then one for me. As I was sitting in the lab waiting to get my Beta, my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number but I answered it anyway. A man answered and said his name. Then his last name, and all at once I knew why he was calling and my heart sank. Tears fell, and I begged him not to tell me what I knew in my heart was true. My friend was gone. She had died on the 13th of March and he had been going through her cell phone getting ready to shut it off when he saw my number. He said he hadn't meant to take so long calling me, but things had been hard on him and the kids. 38 years, a husband and 3 Beautiful kids. My friend, who knew my heart so deeply. I will never hear her sweet voice again, or get a big hug from her letting me know things are going to be alright. Always so positive no matter what was going on. I knew she was in pain most of the time, but she never let you see it. She was sick in the end, no one knew what was wrong with her, and one of the last conversations that we had, she told me her biggest fear was leaving her kids without a Mother. I know she is in a better place, but I will forever miss her in this place. Goodbye sweetie, I love you!!

Game Over....

I have read other bloggers posts about the end of treatments without success, and I honestly never thought I was going to be writing one of my own. Oh sure you say I am successful, I have the Turtle, but that to me is not total success, because I didn't reach my ultimate goal. I never thought that my journey would end this way, just as I am sure the others who came to this point didn't either. It is heartbreaking to say the least. I have no more chances, nothing else in the pot to try. It is Game Over.


I watch Turtle a lot, and yes I do feel lucky, but it kills me to know that when we are gone, she will be all alone. No siblings to share her life with. That is what is making this so very hard for me. I know that one day she will ask for the one thing I cannot give her... a little brother or sister. Not because I don't want to or because I didn't try hard enough, but because my up body wouldn't let me.

I look at her, and I see a miracle in more ways then one. She really shouldn't be here, and I don't know why she is, but I am overjoyed to have her.

On the other hand I mourn the 7 embryo's that my body wouldn't let live and thrive. I feel pain so very deep in my heart for them. I failed them. That makes me feel like a terrible mother, and person. I will never get the chance to see them grow on an ultrasound, find out their sexes, or give birth to them. I will never count those 10 little fingers and 10 little toes right after birth... just to be sure. There will be no firsts for them, or for me to watch. All I have of those 7 little lives is the memory and a picture or two of them as a group of cells before my body killed them.

I don't understand why or what is going on, and I have no plans to delve that deep for fear that I may see something staring back at me that I cannot deal with. All I know is the gut wrenching pain that I feel for what could have been is so deep that I swear I can almost feel my heart shattering.

For some reason my body was only willing to work with me one time, and now it is time to suck it up and move on with what I can only hope will be a wonderful life with my little girl. My Miracle. My whole world. I love that little girl more today then I ever thought possible!! She will be the only one to carry all of Clark and I into the world with her from here on out, my little Turtle. I love you sweet baby girl.

11dp3dt

Still stark white glaring back at me. I have no wit right now. Beta in the morning. I will wait for the phone call that will come while I am at work, to break my heart forever, tomorrow afternoon.

9dp3dt...

I tested this morning and it was negative. There could still be some hope, but I am not counting on it. I will keep testing til Beta on Thursday, but honestly I am not expecting anything to change. I am completely at a loss for words or anything right now.

I have been in a very bad place since the night before transfer, and I am finally able to come clean about why.

A few years ago my MIL did something that really pissed me off, and hurt me deeply having to do with a NieceD pregnancy announcement, just when we had started our first IVF. Well, the Friday night before our transfer, I called to tell her Happy Easter, and Happy Birthday as they were both coming up in the next few days, and I didn't want to forget. She asked me how things were, and I told her about our cycle, how we had switched things up in hopes of making a difference this time around. After the conversation ended on my part, she asked me if I wanted to hear her news. I said sure, totally thinking it had something to do with Clark's Gma, who lives with them, when she blurts out this shit.....

"Well, you know NieceD and her hubby, S, are getting divorced right??"

"No, I didn't know that. I knew they had separated because of the Child Molestation charges (long story), but I had no idea they were getting divorced."

"Well, yeah they are getting divorced, and she just called me yesterday and told me that she is pregnant."

"Oh wow, is it S's baby??"

"Nope, some guy she just met"

"Wow, is she going to keep it?"

"Of course why wouldn't she?"

"Well, I am not saying that she shouldn't, I just didn't know."

"Yeah well I have to run I have stuff to do. Talk to you later."

Now this is the same niece that was pregnant the last time she did this, and in just the same kind of hurtful way. First off, I don't care who gets pregnant, but come the fuck on, you have 2 kids under 5, you are getting divorced from your spouse, and you go get pregnant by some man you hardly know.

Internets, PLEASE FUCKING explain to me why I should be HAPPY for her, because I am at a loss with this one completely.

Needless to say this has been on my mind all the time since she told me, and I can't get it off my brain to save my life... now it looks as though our last attempt has failed, and I am just spiraling down here. If I hear good news on Thursday I will let you know, but as of right now I need to step away from IF altogether. I just need to clear my head and my heart for what lays ahead.

Love you all... Rebel

7dp3dt

I know I have been out of touch for a few days, this house seems to have decided that it is going to fall apart. Turtle seems to have become insanely needy. Not wanting anyone but me. When Clark comes home she is still very clingy with me, literally still hanging on to my pant legs. This ends up totally frustrating me after 10 hours, and I cannot get any housework done at all. She wants to be with me all the time, constantly, and while I love this little girl, I need my space and need to be able to keep up the house.

This week we have also had toilet issues... gotta love septic tanks!! The washer totally died on me on Wednesday, so I had to journey over an hour to H*me D*pot just to order a new washer and dryer on Thursday. Friday I had to go get my blood draw as I was concerned about my Estrogen and Progesterone levels.... which were fantastic by the way.

I have tried to sit here a hundred times and write a post, and frankly all the thoughts I have in my head are so jumbled and confusing to even me, that I am not sure I can make them make sense here, or to you. Normally, I don't have this problem, I know what I want to say and I say it. Right now I think there is just so much riding on these two little ones that I can't think beyond next Thursday. I don't have anything to work with as far as "feeling" anything because I am on the PIO. I will admit that I have had some pretty good cramps, but who knows what the hell that means, if even anything. I know that as of today R&B should be Morula's and really implanted, if they did what we needed them to do. I have a chart that I get up and look at every day that tells me what they should be doing on that day. While I know it is what they "should" be doing, I am praying, hoping, wishing, and whatever else I think will work that they did just what they were supposed to, and are now in there growing. Hang in there guys you can do it......