Upkeep..

Somehow I missed that Sunday was March 1st and February is gone. Time seems to be speeding up no matter how I try to keep it at a slow and steady pace.

Poor Turtle is still not back to herself just yet. I have been having to get up at least twice a night to comfort her. She started really, really walking this past Friday, so I think she wants to get up in the middle of the night and walk around, irregardless of how tired mommy is!! She has also been very needy and demanding... welcome to toddler hood!!

Kent didn't do well while we were gone, and has lost privilege's because of it, not to mention that his attitude has been very shitty the last week. We found out that he lied about some very serious things that could have gotten us into trouble, and when we confronted him about them, he told me "Oh well, guess you won't piss me off again huh??" So, I am trying to get him back into therapy... not that I think it will really help, but at this point I have no options.

Clark and I actually had a good time while we were away, despite the reason we were out of town. We spent a lot of time talking, and enjoying each other again. We discussed the Last Cycle, and I told him that I wanted to wait a month, so when we got home I emailed Dr. OvaryWhisperer and told her that I had taken my last BCP on Sunday, and what did she want me to do. She advised that I could start the next pack, and that she would let the nurse know. Yesterday the Nurse called me with our schedule, and I will take my last BCP on the 22nd, and start stims on the 26th of this month. I know that doesn't seem like a month, and really it isn't a full month, but with this new protocol things move A LOT faster. I didn't fully understand how fast either, and thought I had until April before we started, but I talked to Clark, and he was fine with it. My biggest concern was all the antibiotics that I have been on the last few weeks because of the ear/sinus issues, so I wanted to get some time between them and all the meds to come. Aside from all the other vitamins I am taking I added Co Q-10, and DHEA to the mix hoping to give the eggs and ute a boost. Hell at this point I would take just about anything to give this cycle a shot.

Now for my address to Anonymous: I cannot imagine that you thought you wouldn't get attacked by either me or my commenter's when you posted your response. While I am not angry at you, as I said before I feel sorrow for you actually, I will not disagree with any of the people who addressed you. While your comments weren't on the vile side, they really were hurtful in the sense that you implied that my children would not be good enough for you because of MY Mental Illness. I know that not all Bi-Polar people are easy to treat, and some are downright resistant to treatment period, I however am not one of those people. I took pains to take a lot of supplements especially for fetal brain development before and after I conceived Turtle, and every cycle since. I did everything I could in my power to make sure that any child I gave birth to, had less of a chance of being Bi-Polar. Nothing says that Turtle will or won't have problems, like I stated that is not up to me, or you, but I will not love her any less if she does have any Mental or other illness. I feel that I am actually more so prepared for what may come then a mother who isn't used to dealing with a mental illness, because I walk that line everyday. I know what to look for, and how to help if the need should so arise. So, in finishing, I am sorry if you feel that you were vilified, but I don't think that with the nature of your comments, and the hiding behind Anonymous to make those comments, that you really thought through all of the ways that you could hurt with what you said. Does that make sense or am I way off base here??

It is late, I am tired, and my brain hurts from cleaning all day... LOL I know that sounds goofy, but I swear I cannot get housework done unless I have a chore chart anymore, and since I have yet to make one up, keeping everything in my mind that needs to be done just makes me run around looking like a chicken with it's head cut off.... :o)

Good night sweet Internets!!!

Sadness

I have been out of town for a funeral.

Clark and I lost a very special man in our lives this past week.

Turtle didn't travel well, and I am going to need a day or so to recover.

I am going to further address Anonymous when I return, but I just wanted to let you all know that we are ok physically.

It is my heart that is in shambles.

Dearest Anonymous

When I got your first comment last night, it was late and I was inclined to let it sit until this morning, but I opened the email, and didn't know how to feel upon first reading it. I hit anger, and sadness, hell I went through the whole gamut of emotions.

The one that sticks with me though is sadness, for you actually. I cannot imagine that you would forgo parenthood at the slight risk that an embryo that you adopted "could" have a treatable mental illness. That adopted Embryo, unless of course they did PGD to assure a mostly healthy, disease free MaybeBaby, still has the very real possibility of having any of the other thousands of mental and or physical disorders that there are on this planet. There is no guarantee of a healthy child at the end of ANY pregnancy.

I do not have a clue where my Bi-polar came from as there is NO family history. I lived in hell growing up because no one knew what was "wrong" with me. I was treated like a black sheep, and some of the people who should have looked out for me, took advantage of my state, in more ways then one.

I am actually a Bi-Polar II meaning that I suffer mostly from severe depression, and not much mania, which is very well controlled with meds.

If you think that the nights I have worried about passing this on to any of my children have been few and far in between, then you would be dead wrong.

I honestly feel that the severity of Bi-Polar can also be situational, and my childhood was far from a fucking fairytale, so I feel that made it a lot worse then.

Now that I am all grown up, I can actually be thankful for most of the shitty places my life has been because they have made me the loving, caring, honest and open person that I am today.

I take my meds, I know I need to.

I don't play games with drugs and alcohol, and I stay away from negative influences.

Honestly that is more then I can say for some of the "mentally stable" people I know.

I have no intention of keeping any of the health issues that I or Clark have off any questionnaire when we are trying to find a family for our embryo's. While I thank you for your concern for their possible future parents and selves, unless you know a lot about living with someone who is Bi-polar, are your self, or have personal knowledge of how the disease works beyond what you have read in the paper or on TV, I would thank you not to judge to harshly.

Living with this illness is no different then living with most other illnesses. Please research it. We struggle to get through every day just as a diabetic would. Chances are you have a family member or know someone who is Bi-Polar, but you don't usually know because we don't tend to advertise... it could be that whole looked at like we are crazy thing that seems to happen more often then not.

So, please do not presume that you yourself would not produce offspring that could be Bi-Polar, all kinds of things could come from your DNA that you don't even know about.

Educate yourself please, and enjoy the weather in New York this weekend.

Rebel Out.

Touching Base....

I wanted to stop in and let you all know that I am still "here".

I saw my Psych on Thursday and we switched meds. I am feeling a little better everyday, and that is very important to me.

I had my follow up with Dr. OvaryWhisperer on the 20th, and was surprised with the results.

I guess that my ovaries are so completely confused that they are giving eggs that really should be coming from a 14 year olds ovaries. Ha, let me explain....

When you do an egg retrieval, you can get 4 different kinds of eggs.

1. Over Ripe... Dude you waited to long.

2. Metaphase 1.... just right should be totally mature and ready to entertain the boys... will have a polar body.

3. Metaphase 2.... Still immature, but "should" mature in solution.

4. Immature.... No good, not gonna mature, have to toss these guys out.

Well, my eggs are falling into the Metaphase 2 category more often then not, and oddly enough they are not maturing at all. Most eggs in this group do fine, but mine are just not trying to cut me any slack. The ones who do appear to mature, and get ICSI'd, never fertilize like they should.

Funny that this is a problem most often seen with very young patients, so my 35 year old ovaries are playing like they are still in High School, and frankly it annoys me as much now as High School did back then.

She seems to think that the BCP's and the Lupron are screwing with my eggs, making them think they are not ready when they should be, "over suppressing". She thinks that a total change of protocol by removing the BCP's and Lupron and adding an antagonist is what we need. Ganirelix and Cetrotide is what my clinic tends to use. She then strongly suggested that we consider assisted hatching, because the embies that we transfer are great, and there really is no logical reason they should not be implanting. So there again they need a little help.

Clark was there and listened to everything the doc said. He surprised me with some of the questions he asked, and even more so when he asked the Doc if the change of meds would make me less of a bitch?? I was shocked, but Dr. OvaryWhisperer didn't miss a beat and said that "Yes on the new protocol there tends to be fewer hormonal swings, so less Bitchiness" I love her!!!

So now for the BIG SHOCKER.... Clark tells Dr. OvaryWhisperer that he is giving his ok for another cycle and that she can tell the IVF nurse to order the meds. I just looked at him in stunned silence. Is he kidding?? I mean we have had the worst 3 weeks of our relationship, and he pulls this one out on me??

I have to admit that right now I am not in a place to cycle. I am not comfortable with how things sit with us as a couple. We have spent countless hours talking about us and what is to come, and I am just not buying it right now. He is holding something back from me, and until I figure out what it is, or he decides to tell me, then I have to assume that at any moment this life as I know it could fall totally apart.

I can say that we have agreed to find a set of parents for our Totsicles. I am sure that I cannot face the complete and total randomness of an FET cycle. Honestly they scare me more then a fresh cycle the more that I think about it. I want another couple out there to have the chance to experience what we have, even if I don't get that chance again.

So things here are still very much up in the air, and I am not counting on life here to get any easier for the immediate future, but I guess something will give, and I can only hope and pray that it will be for the good because I love my husband and our family with all my heart, and I cannot imagine not having the life that I have right now.... I refuse to even think about it.

Thanks for all of your comments and good thoughts, I cannot express how much each and every one of them means to me right now.

The Beginning of the End??

Things here in the Infertile House are changing.

Not for the good either.

Clark and Kent got into a HUGE fight last night. It is Kent and his disrespect of Clark since he has begun having contact with his Birth Father that is at the root of this. He has been very hateful and even taken to name calling. Last night at the dinner table Clark had, had enough, and things erupted.

Of course this also included the Turtle having a major freak out over the fact that they were carrying on. She was inconsolable for almost 20 minutes. I ended up dealing with Kent so Clark could handle the Turtle, and as usual his excuse is that we just "Don't Understand". I know it has to be hard for him to have 2 men in his life, but that is NO reason for him to start treating Clark like shit, and I will not tolerate it. Period.

So after everyone was in bed, Clark says to me... That is why I don't want to cycle again, did you see how traumatized she was over that?

I looked him right in the face and told him that was bullshit and that I had never upset the Turtle like that ever since the day she was born.

The whole thing then turned into a huge argument about my psych meds, IVF cycles, and how I am not Marth* Fucking Stewart. I am reaching the end of my rope with all of this crap. I know I am not perfect, but damn it I try very hard to be a good wife and mother, despite my Bi-Polar, and I think I do a pretty damn good job. My house may not be spotless, but it is cozy and you can feel the love here.

So, there is a lot of anger and hurt in my heart right now, and I even told Clark to get out last night. I have just about had enough. I can't take the self abuse that I dole out much less someone else's... meaning Kent and Clark.

I am going to take a serious step back, and I am not sure that I will return here. I will let you all know what I decide, but for right now this is a place that only serves to remind me of my failures in life, and I have to walk away from the negative.

I don't know what will come for Clark and I, I will pray that we can work this out because I love him with all my heart and soul, but things have to change, I am tired of hurting like this.

Going to see the Psych today to change meds, and get on with Living. Cycling is a thing of the past. Goodbye babies.