Turning...

I got roaring drunk Friday night.

I pleaded my case.

Tears and all.

It isn't working.

At the same time it is making me wonder just what my motivator is in all this.

I have what I set out for in the beginning.

Turtle.

When I said a post ago that I have fear, it really is more then that, I am terrified what will happen to me mentally if we cycle again and it fails. I am not so sure that I could take failure like that, and not lose my mind.

I mean, Seriously lose my mind.

It would be the end.

Done.

Although my heart isn't ready to accept it, I think my brain may be coming to terms with the thought that maybe it is time to move on from this space. It is so sad, dark, and bitter here that it really is starting to keep me from enjoying the Turtle.

I have been just watching her the last few days, and while one part of me wants more, another is screaming don't look away, you will miss something amazing.

Are you getting as sick of listening to me as I am listening to myself??

Where I was... Where I am...

Two years ago tomorrow, I was in a very similar place as I am this very day.

Failed Cycle.

Trying to figure out what comes next.

Clark and I started talking again last night. He is worried about several things:

Prozac doesn't seem to be controlling my Bi-Polar, and he is very concerned about my severe mood swings. I get it, and I tried to explain to him that it doesn't help that my body isn't used to a regular amount of hormones, not to mention the massive doses that I have to be on for IVF. I really don't think that it has been helping me much at all anymore, so it is time to go back and get on something different again.

He doesn't like the way my moods affect him and the kids. I get that, I don't like the way they affect me for crying out loud. He hates that when I get sad after a bad cycle then the baby seems to pick up on it, and as he put it to me "I like having a very happy baby, and when you get like that, she isn't."

We fight a lot when I am cycling. I think it is because I lose my tolerance for the day to day BS that goes on in the house, and I need things to just roll along as smooth as possible... ha that never happens.

He is concerned that I cannot spend 3 days on bed rest like I did when we did our IVF that got us Turtle. I worry about that to, but I didn't have an active toddler in May of 07, and I do now. Not to mention the fact that I can't stay down, I feel driven to take care of her if I am here, no matter if there is another person who can do it.

He thinks I am missing out on all of the cute little and big things that the Turtle does because I am so consumed with having another. Consumed is the OctoMom, not me. I know I have mental limits. I know my body has physical limits. I can accept those limits, I don't want to, but if forced to then I will.

I have been Proing and Coning in my mind and my heart for the last few days, and I just cannot get past the fear that I am feeling. It is fear of so many different things....

1. Failure of another cycle, because this one would be our last try.
2. Scared of hating Clark for not letting me try again.
3. Scared of hating myself for not pushing to do what my heart really wants to do.
4. Hating my heart for wanting something so bad that I cannot resolve it in my brain.
5. This one may not make sense to some of you, but being kinda mad that the Turtle is so great, because she is the main reason I want to have more. She has been the light that makes my days worth it, every single one of them. I want to have more. I want to have all of the moments with another child that we have had with her. Watching her grow has been the most amazing and rewarding thing I have ever been part of.

We were watching the Turtle play last night, and Clark said to me...

"Isn't she just the most amazing thing?"

"Yes I really think she is." I replied hiding the tears that had been welling.

"I totally get why you want more now that we have her, but that still doesn't mean that I think it is a good idea to do IVF again."

End of conversation.

My heart has been aching, and I find myself close to tears most of the day.

Two years ago, I didn't let failure stop me, but now I am not so sure that I have the strength to fight the battle again, or really if I even want to.

Lemonade Stands

Kristen gave me this award on her blog today. I am guessing it is because I made lemonade out of lemons this week what with the tax issue. Hell, I am just glad that I got it taken care of, it has been a weight off my shoulders the last 36 hours. I literally refuse to let people push me around anymore, and I will do what it takes to keep my family safe. I don't care who thinks they are right, I will not be railroaded.

Here are the rules for The Lemonade Stand Award:

1. You must link back to the person you received the award from.

Kristen Thanks sweetie!! You know I love you!!!

2. You have to nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award!

I chose Bloggers who have touched me either recently, or over and over in the time I have been blogging. Each one of them holds a special place in my heart!!

Kahla- Because she has such sweetness in her soul.
S- Because she has the Hope.
Kathy- Because she is so strong in her faith.
Susan- Because I just love her attitude about everything!!
Trish- Because she has to many kids not to make Lemonade!!!
No Swimmers- Because she is holding Hope.
No Regrets- Because she is PUPO, and will stay P I just know it!!
DD- Because she is hysterical.
Erin- Because she is a sweet and loving person.
Kellie- Because I have been where she is, and she needs a little hug!!

Go visit my girls and you will see why I love them to!!!

Wanna play a Game??

How many emails to the Governor of Virginia does it take to get the director of DSS to finally return your call??

One my friends, just one!!

The shit hit the fan this morning.

At 7:55 PM I received a call that I should be getting my corrected 1099 in the mail within the week.

Dude, I fucking ROCK!!!!!

Be afraid, be VERY afraid!!!

Who's the Dummy now??!!

Stumbling Along....

Convincing Clark is not going as swimmingly easy as I thought it would be. He is more against another cycle then I originally thought. I think I am going to just leave it alone for right now and let him work through what he needs to. I have found the less I bother him about something, the more receptive he is down the road. Just a thought.

I have been stressed out about the tax thing I mentioned a few posts ago, and it looks as though we may have to hire a lawyer. I cannot begin to tell you just how OVER DSS I am. The system is defunct and so jacked up that it will take YEARS to fix it. I cannot for the life of me understand how they claim to be making things better for the children of this country when I may lose my house, and life as we know it because of their stupidity. They use lies to get foster parents to adopt. Just you try to get the services you need after finalization of a special needs adoption.... ain't happening. I am sick to death of these people hurting me and my family, and then having to have no culpability for what they have done.

I am going to say that The Department of Human Services in Hampton, Virginia (DSS) is filled with some of the worst social workers I have had the displeasure of meeting, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have set foot one in that sorry ass building. The director has not returned my phone calls in over a week, and I am sure that I won't hear from her. She doesn't like me because I stuck up for Kent and wouldn't let them short change him. Richmond, Virgina (Head Department) DSS had no clue this was going on. I have called the City Attorney trying to get things fixed, left messages with the mayors office, and all over that city. Do you think anyone has returned my calls?? Hell no, you know why, because they know they are wrong, and I don't live in their sorry ass city anymore, so they THINK they can ignore me. The caseworkers have all been instructed to tell all Foster/Adoptive parents who call asking about the 1099's they were issued:

"Talk to your tax preparer, we can't help you." No shit, you don't want to either.

I am my tax preparer, and I have no freaking clue.

I called the IRS direct and spent 3 hours on the phone with them, they have no idea what in the hell is going on. This should be tax exempt, is what I heard over and over again.

I want you all to understand that I am not talking about a few hundred dollars here, I am talking thousands. Thousands I don't have. Thousands I will never have. Thousands that will break us.

I got the tax notice from them the day after transferring Larry, Moe, and Curly. I wonder how things may have turned out had I not been so damn upset over that stupid letter.

I have been having terrible nightmares over the last 2 weeks. They (Hampton Caseworkers) come and take our house, our cars, our dogs, and then show up for the kids telling me that no mother in her right mind would have let things get this bad. I had nothing to do with it, but you and I both know that doesn't mean anything to that arm of the government. This is worrying the hell out of me, and yet my pleas for answers to them go unanswered. This my friends is why I tell people to stay away from Foster Parenting, it isn't worth the toll on your heart and mind.

So dear readers, I reach out to you in my fragile state (sick as a dog on top of all of this) and ask if any of you know or are a Tax Attorney that can give me some advice on how to handle this, I would be more grateful then I would ever be able to express.