Just as I thought

9:00 Am Beta Blood out to the Lab.

Dr. OvaryWhisperer saw me in the hall and hugged me.

I told her about Clark's comments, and she replied that now was not the time to make decisions about these things with emotions still so raw.

They discussed me several times this week. They think that a new protocol may be needed.

I set my YouFailedIVF#5 appointment before I left.

February 20th.

I have 2 weeks to heal my heart and get my questions together before I face the review.

I have a few things to research, and discussions to have with Clark.

Off to the house.

1:39... Cell phone rings....

Dr. KnockedMeUpLastTime. He asked how I was, and I told him I was fine.

I asked how he was, and he replied that he was having a bad day.

I told him I was sorry and asked him why he was having a bad day.

He responded, "Because I am calling you with a Negative Beta result."

I told him it was ok I already knew, but I am sorry that I gave him a bad day.

He apologized again, and told me to make sure I come in to see Dr. OvaryWhisperer. I told him I would.

I was in the car with Clark and Turtle.

There were no tears.

Just silence.

Stunned Silence

Many times I have sat and wondered how much more he would take of this whole IF journey, and last night I found out.

As we cuddled on the couch after putting Turtle to bed, I mentioned to Clark that I had been looking into maybe doing acupuncture with this next cycle. In the moment after the comment left my mouth, I felt him tense up. I looked up at him, and he asked me..

"When is enough going to be enough?? I really hate what these drugs do to you, to us. Why can't you just be happy with the Turtle?? I honestly don't see you convincing me to do this again."

I had no words, and I got up before he could see my tears fall.

I stood in the kitchen and pulled out the PIO, loaded up the syringe, and then counted out my pills for the night. The tears were running down my face, and I knew if he saw them it would only prove his point.

He came into the kitchen and hugged me from behind. I have to admit that it wasn't as reassuring as I would have liked it to have been. I just turned to him and told him that I didn't have any answers for him right now.

After my shot, I sat in the dark in the living room and wept.

I knew he would reach the end, and I knew it would be before I did, I just didn't count on it being yesterday. I'm not there yet. I don't think I will be until it is forced to be over.

Beta is in the morning, and I have been working on my next cycle for 3 days now... contemplating. What can we change. What needs to stay the same... and so on. I know it is going to be negative, and in my heart and head I need to think about the next time in order to make it through the hurt and devastation that will come with the ringing of the phone tomorrow afternoon.

How can I make him understand what is in my heart?? How can I get him to see that I want more of what we have with Turtle. She has been the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, and I want and need more. I have said it before that I am addicted to this little girl, I would give my life for hers, and now that I have her, I cannot imagine the rest of my life without more.

I have actually been angry with myself a few times because I do know how content Clark is with just the Turtle, and I have asked myself why can't I just let it go. Why can't I just be happy with what I have. My heart answers me with no response.

It can't, it is in stunned silence to.

8 Years ago... A new begining.

As I laid on the gurney that would transport me to the OR, I was terrified. The surgeon was late, and they sent the Chaplin over to try to calm my nerves... yeah just what one who is undergoing MAJOR surgery needs to see... a Man of God. Please do not get me wrong here, but he was the last person I wanted to talk to just then.

My doc showed up, with a BoomBox on his shoulder, and I went night night.

They had to pry my fingers off the gurney rails in the OR to get me onto the table... the Doc still calls me WhiteKnuckles to this day!!

4 hours later I woke up, with rerouted innards, to see Clark sitting by my bed, and I knew everything was going to be ok.

Those first few weeks after were hard. I had to learn how to eat again, or should I say eat to live not live to eat.

I was 252 pounds of Me when I checked in that morning, and I will forever be that fat girl in my mind. She lives there always reminding me of how things used to be. I have lost many pounds, but I have not lost her. I can honestly say that she will be with me to the end, and that is really ok. She keeps me grounded. She helps me remember the struggle that this process has been, and why I did it in the first place.

This journey has been a long hard road, with many ups and downs, but it has been worth every second, because I truly believe that had not decided to have Gastric Bypass, there would be no Turtle. I know there would be no Me.

So here is to the past, the fat girl I was, and to the future, the possibilities.

Hormonal Trainwreck

I emailed Dr.OvaryWhisperer this morning after yet another negative test.

I asked her to let this end.

She told me to hang on until Friday.

Beta Day.

I may not make it that far.

I break down everytime I think about those 3 little guys. Then I look at the Turtle, and the reality of what I have lost really goes deep.

I really hate this crap, and along with it goes hating my own body for all that it refuses to do. I cannot understand for the life of me why it can't get with the freaking program. I am not asking it to do anything it wasn't built to do. Why do I even bother taking care of It when it won't take care of me??

I promised myself I wasn't going to do this, but everyday, every negative test brings all the anger, bitterness, and frustration right back up from the depths.

Clark hugged me last night and told me that he was sorry that we couldn't get this right. We. He never puts it all on me, and that may be the only thing, besides Turtle, keeping me from derailing right now.

I might need to be commited....

So, Turtle has turned a corner, and other then the NASTY green snot I seem to be getting by the bucket loads from her nose, she is feeling better.

Mommy on the other hand... Not. So. Much

I seem to have gotten what she had.

If that wasn't bad enough, today is 9dp3dt and I got nothing. Not a hint of a line, not a shadow, not even a somewhat suspicious evap line. Don't buy the T*rget brand if you can help it, they suck!!

Yeah, yeah it's early, but Hope left me standing in the sunshine this morning, and hasn't been back. I think that bitch is out getting High.

To be brutally honest with you after the events that played out in California this week, I may have to say goodbye to the IVF world. I am over the fact that freaks like her, drug addicts, and sorry excuses for human beings continue to be able to procreate, while I stand here heart broken and out 7 grand every cycle. I am sorry but it makes no fucking sense to me, and I am really of the mind that it may be time for me to stop trying to get it.

I know I have a living, breathing miracle right here in my own house, and I thank the heavens every day for her. I will credit her with saving my life for the rest of it. I cannot seem to get the desire to have another one out of my heart and soul, however, and that is what is doing me in. I honestly ask myself daily, "Why??" And I got nothing... ok well I have the Turtle, and her awesomeness makes me want more awesomeness, so I guess that is "Why".

As we go along this goal is getting harder to reach, and I am beginning to wonder if there wasn't some kind of "Intervention" when we got PG with the Turtle, and that was all we were going to get. This is the One, the Only, our Chance at biological parenthood. I am just not sure if I am able or ready to accept that She is all I get.

I guess I am a Greedy Bitch.