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Who Knew... that the sight of a very pregnant 14-16 year old in her jammies and slippers, in the baby section at Tar*et could make you seriously want to walk up to her and Punch her in the face. It was disgusting really, she has no idea what she has there!!!
Who Knew... that Michelle Dugg*r would still be able to walk without a limp or she should at least be hellaciously bow legged by now!! Come on people are you freaking kidding me here... this is pushing he limits of a human uterus if I have ever seen one!! YUCK!!!
Who Knew... that Mothers Day could still suck, even after you have a baby!!! Yeah that's right I said it... My Mothers day sucked the big one!! Mostly it was Kent who let me down with the 30 seconds that he spent "making" my card. If he was 5 it might have been cute, but he is 16 for crying out loud. He made no mention of getting anything to Clark, or me, so we just waited to see what he would come up with, and I got my heart broken..... what a freaking bummer!!! I mean I got a cute card from Clark and Turtle, along with Turtle's birthstone baby, but I actually had started looking forward to the fact that this boy can think for himself and might come up with something that would really make my heart melt.... Yeah. Not. So. Much. Also I should mention that Little Miss Turtle has been sick off an on for weeks now, and as of Sunday she was gearing up for her second try at a double ear infection, so she was NOT in a pleasant mood. She spent most of the day wanting to be held and screaming, so that didn't help matters much. Of course I am sure that I am to blame because I had the day all worked out in my mind to be a star studded (sarc) event.. LOL jokes on me!!!
Who Knew.... that just going into Babie$RU$ after you had a real live baby could still bring the vile, evil, nasty infertile feelings right back up your throat!! I have the hardest time still seeing those bellies. I can hardly stand to go into that store, or even see pregnant women, even though I have the Turtle with me, so she is my reminder that I beat the old Bitch that is infertility.... I'm just saying.... it doesn't get any easier after you have felt the burn for so many years.... I really wish that it did!!!
Who Knew... that the new insurance carriers were going to be such JACKASS' about our IF coverage.... LOL according to them, I am no longer infertile since I was able to get pregnant and carry an infant to term!! HA!!! I guess someone forgot to tell my ovaries that since they are still on strike!! I haven't had a visit from AF since I finished my post partum bleeding.... go figure, once again my body said "Uh yeah you thought you had beaten us!!!"
So those are just a few of the things bouncing around in my head the last week or so, and I have to admit it gets frustrating!! I am really surprised at myself sometimes about how hard the reaction to a pregnant belly is, but I had a friend tell me the other day that something that you lived with for almost half of your life won't just change in such a short time. The teen in Targ*t... yeah I would have felt that way in infertile or not, it was just sick I tell you, and it breaks my heart. I have seen that situation fail more often then not, and it breaks my heart for that innocent little baby. I guess that infertility becomes such a part of you when you have to deal with it for so long that giving it up is like breaking a bad habit, you know it isn't healthy, but you need it to feel "normal". UGH
So the Turtle is growing at her own pace, and we have our 4 month visit next week I think.... so hard to believe all that time has gone by already!! It cracks me up at the changes that she has made to!! She is a very demanding little soul, but also such a comedian!! She is getting the cutest little personality, and it just stuns me when she does things like her daddy or I. She really is an amazing little person, and I cannot imagine a day without her here!!!
As you can tell by the Ins. Co comment, I am being told that we are gonna have to jump through hoops again. The company is the same, but they changed carriers if that makes any sense, so now I have to start all over again. What I am hoping to do though is to have the RE write us a letter to try to change their minds... wish me luck ion that one. With 35 coming up on me next month, we need to just get this show on the road now, not 2 freaking years from now!!! Besides, as much as I hated being pregnant the last time, this time can't be any worse!! Someone asked me that the other day, if I hated being pregnant so much then why in the world would I want to do it again?? Uh gee cuz that is how you get a baby!! DUH!! But honestly, I am just so in love with this little girl, that I want more!! I know the greed that consumes me!! LOL :o)
Oh yeah Clark made it through his two weeks away with amazing ease, I wish I could say the same for us though, as we were all sick most of the time, so he actually got pretty damn lucky!! The end of the school year is looming again, and I don't know what we are going to do about summer and a job or something for Kent, I guess we will have to work harder on that, but hell I am just happy that he made it through unscathed for the most part!!
Well, it is late, and the Turtle will be up soon for her middle of the night, feel better bottle... maybe.... that is something she likes to do, she switches it up sometimes to keep mommy hopping!!!! Turkey!!!
Dearest Turtle,
It was one year ago today that your daddy and I shuffled off at the crack of dawn all full of hope. We joked and laughed that day, and prayed that things would turn out the way we needed them to. There ended up being 8 little embies including you made that morning (your grandpa's birthday by the way!!). I cannot even go back to that day without thinking about all of the hope that I carried into the clinic with me. The dream that rode on those very tiny little cells that became you that day, has been in reality better then I could have ever imagined. You have made your daddy and I the happiest we have ever been. You have turned our lives upside down in the most beautiful way. I am so glad that you are here, and that you were made just for us. I am so happy that you chose this day one year ago to become my daughter, and I look forward to all the years that we are going to share with each other!! I love you!!Mommy
Ok, so remember that update I promised you 3 weeks ago??!! Welp here it is!!!
We are going to do an IVF cycle again in a few weeks!!!! I had my PCP put in our referral this week, and if all goes well with the Ins. Co. we should be on track for a June/July retrieval and transfer. I know, I said that Miss Turtle was prolly going to be an only bio child, but after having her and being her mommy for the last 12 weeks, I am so freaking smitten with motherhood that I HAVE to have it one more time.... if it is in the cards!! I swear being a mom is like a drug, and I am addicted!! It has been hard and challenging, but I feel so fulfilled by my new roll. I have been seeing the Psych every 2 weeks, and he seems to think that my PPD was really mild, and that it was mostly centered around my sleeplessness, hormonal changes, and being a first time mom!! I think I have to agree with him, because I have bounced back amazingly!!! (mentally, physically meaning weight wise... I am still a WRECK!!! UGH!!!) So Clark and I talked, and I told him that if we were gonna do this whole parenthood thing again, I would rather do it NOW instead of later when I am used to sleeping through the night again!! LOL Of course 2 days after I said that guess who started sleeping through the night?? Ha Ha, jokes on Mommy!! But seriously, I want to get this over with and just have my babies close together so that they can grow up together. I do have to admit that I am terrified though, because the news in the blogging world as of late with all of the losses and sick babies has me seriously thinking that maybe I am asking the Universe for way to much, and I should quit while I am ahead...... Not sure, so I will take the time before my return appointment to think it all through. Of course there is the chance that another cycle won't get me pregnant anyway... see there I go again!!!
Things here have been going a long a lot better. Turtle is doing great, a lot less fussy after bottles, and starting to grow like a freaking weed!! She is actually starting to grow out of newborn stuff!! I am a terrible mommy though, and right now she is sleeping in her swing in front of our ginormous TV!!! Hey, I take naps from her where and when I can get them so Ha!!! We are loving the funny things that she does, like smiling, OMG that is the cutest damn thing ever!!! She is trying to do things that are advanced for her age, but is behind in others, so I think she is going to keep me hopping!!! Daddy is going away for 2 weeks soon, and we will have company in the form of friends and family for the whole time, so it will be nice to have visitors, but I am sure going to miss Clark while he is gone!! He is having a hard time being away from Turtle during the day, so that trip is going to hurt him a lot.... I think he is scared that she will forget him, but I told him not gonna happen!!! She will remember him when he gets back I am sure!!!
Kent is doing ok, still struggling in school, but doing ok for the most part. He is totally in love with his little sister, and gets home ready to see her everyday. She lights up every time she sees him, and that makes me so very happy!!
Well that is it for now, I hope to start getting back here a little more often as Little Miss gets into a better schedule with eating and napping so that I can get more then 5 seconds on the computer. I hope this update finds you all well to, and enjoying spring!!!!!
WBV= Well Baby Visit
Turtle was 9 weeks old yesterday, and had her 2 month check up today!! Wow time has sure flown!! Ok, so here are her stats....
Weight- 10.6 Pounds
Length- 22 1/2 inches
Head- 39 CM
We also got 4 shots today!! Holy Cow I have never seen such a pretty shade of purple!! That poor kid didn't breathe for almost a minute!! I cannot explain how it broke my heart to see her cry like that, and yet know that it is for the better that she gets those shots... I'm Just Saying!!
We seem to be doing better on the formula, and we started adding cereal to it a few times a day. She is sleeping through the night, or at least 6-7 hours of it!! We are going to be moving her to her crib this weekend, so that promises to be an adventure!! Gonna break my heart!!! I will try to get a more in depth update out in the next few days as there has been so much going on here in the Infertile house!!! Hugs and Kisses!!!
Wow, I can hardly believe that I have been gone from here for so long!! Actually that is a lie, I know exactly how long I have been gone, but I have a very valid excuse!!! Being mommy to a newborn has totally taken over my life and overwhelmed me. That little person is so selfish I tell ya!! :o)
I have to admit that I was totally unprepared for Motherhood at this level!! I cannot find the beginning, or the end of any thought that I have other then the one that I ask myself several times a day, usually when Turtle is on one of her MANY crying jags, "What in the HELL was I thinking??" Of course I WANTED a baby, hell I took 14 and a half long years fighting to get here, and now there are times when I look at that little person and want a "do over". How fucking wrong is that?? So many things in my life have become over rated: Sleep, a daily shower, clean shirts (hell clean clothes period), 10 minutes to myself, and lastly my sanity. All I want more then anything is to get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. The days all run together, in fact I totally swore that today was Thursday and Turtle was 7 weeks old today, when it is Friday obviously, and I almost missed her pediatrician appointment!!!
So do I sound like a giant asshole yet?? Because I sure do feel like one!! I pray for her to nap just a few minutes longer so that I can have just a little more silence, and every time I do my guilt creeps even higher. I wish I had 10 minutes of time with Clark where I didn't have this little person between us, and it hurts my heart to think like that. I told Clark how I was feeling, and he keeps telling me that it is normal for me to feel like this because we have had a major life event, and if I thought back, I had some of the same thoughts when we first had Kent come to live with us. Not. So. Much. I have to admit that I felt like I had purpose in what I was doing for Kent, and was totally devoted to this poor broken child who needed me, Turtle... Not. So. Much. And that breaks my heart. She is my flesh and blood, I birthed her, I fought so hard for her little life, I begged God and all the others to let me keep her, and now I mostly just want my silence back. I recognized that I was starting to have more bad days then good, and since I had never gone off meds, I knew it was time to check myself.
You know what they call this?? Post Partum Depression. Yeah that is what the Psych says. Up the drugs. It will work its self out, they say. God, I Fucking hope so, because I LOVE that little girl!! Her every smile touches me in a place that I never knew I had. I am so scared that something will happen to her that I can't breathe unless I know she is ok. I look at her little face and feel more love for her then I have ever known in my life. I get so wrapped up in looking into her little blue eyes that I forget what I am thinking sometimes. I can't go more then 5 minutes without kissing her when I am holding her. This is my daughter and I love her.
A lot of this I guess stems from the fact that Turtle hasn't had life so easy the past few weeks, so we have spent a lot of time at the Pediatricians offices, and one day this last week having a test done at the local Children's Hospital. All is well, just some bumps in the road... Colic, Reflux, and now we find out that the opening at the bottom of her stomach is smaller then normal, so her tummy empties slower then it should. It has just made life so much harder for her and I. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel every time she screams out in pain when she is eating, it makes me cry. No one wants their child to feel pain. I also feel guilt that she has these issues, not that there was anything that I could have done about it, but we all want our children to be "perfect", and to not have to go through anything bad. It is all settling down though, but I do feel like a bad mom almost everyday because of her health issues.
It has been a long 7 weeks, but we have made it this far. It has just been very hard to come to terms with the fact that for as long as I can remember I have wanted this, and now that have it, most days I don't. It is sad how Infertility can break you and mindfuck you into nothingness. I hope it lifts soon because Spring is coming, and I am tired of crying and hating myself!!
