I found the floors!!!!

He He He... I finally found the floors in my spare bedrooms.... I started on Friday evening, and was pretty well into it when I had to stop because I was just beat around 11:30. As most of you know we have a 4 bedroom house, and since Kent is the only rug rat we have then there were 2 extra rooms for me to trash!! I am a pack rat by birth (Thanks Mom) and I cannot believe the crap I found!! I have a pile of stuff to haul to the dump later today that is about 6 feet high, along with some yard sale stuff!! The Man of the house will be so proud when he gets home!!! So I have the back bedroom all cleaned out for a new little one should that day come, and then my Craft/storage room has been pretty well organized!!! I am very proud of myself to because I hadn't and the desire or the energy to do ANYTHING with them until I got on these new Meds... Dr. P is a GOD!! I think it was the meds... or it could have been the threat that Clark made about backing the truck up to the windows and tossing it all out!! Hmmmm either way I got it done!! Yay Me!!! The fur babies have soooo been missing their daddy this week!! I think Bella is the worst, she needs freaking Prozac I'm telling ya!!! Tater has become the guardian of the mommy, and the food bowl... Crap you would think we never feed them!!! Our two foster mutts Frito and Honey have become every shoes worst enemy... they have eaten 5 pairs of shoes with the last being a $50 pair of my nursing clogs!! So I have to do a shoe round-up every night before bed, and during the day several times!! They even tried to steal the slippers right off my feet the other day!! I am sooo ready for Friday to get here to see my honey, only 5 more days to go!! I cannot tell you how I have missed him!! It feels like he has been gone an eternity!! We talk on the phone every night, but it isn't the same at all!! At least Kent has been minding his manners with Mom a little better since dad has been gone!!! I think that he realizes that the Jig is up, and Dad meant business when he grounded him this last time. He moped around the house most of the weekend because there was a dance Friday night that he wasn't allowed to go to... when I asked him if there was a dance he says to me "Yeah there is, but I knew I couldn't go so there was no point in me even mentioning it to you!!" Ahhh he IS learning!!! I know that he knows how much we love him, but he is at that golden transitional age right now!! Boy do I remember 14!! I tell him that I remember 14 so well that is why he CANNOT get anything over on me!! I stored it just for days when I had a 14 year old of my own!!!! He He He.. Poor kid!!!! My mom and I have been spending a lot of time talking about the AAT diagnosis that she got last summer, and the fact that she isn't doing well as far as liver function. We were talking yesterday morning about my grandmother's passing, and we both were crying, because we know what is to come will be the same for her as it was when Gma was sick 10 years ago. I guess that I just get scared, because I KNOW there are hard times to come, and I can only PRAY that she will stay healthy for years to come. I know that she feels bad that I came back as a carrier of the phenotype for it, and even though the likelihood of me developing the disease is small it is there. I tried to tell her that I am not mad at her for anything at all, it is just there, as long as I know that it is there, and can take the steps that I need to in my life to keep from getting sick then that is all that matters. I actually worry more about her because I know from researching this what is coming, and I am soooo not ready to face this at all.... My grandmother died 10 years ago this winter, and I was totally devastated. She was only 58, and my mom will be 50 in May. I can only hope that with all of the information that I have sent her that she will be knowledgeable enough to make the changes that need to be made so that she can be here for years to come. She is very smart, and I know she is gonna do it!! Well, hell now that I have myself worked up to tears, I guess I better close this out, and get back to work on getting the house in order!!! There is a stack of dishes calling my name, and 2 trips to the dump in the days plans!! Oh the joys of being me!! LOL :o)

Back in the Stur-ups again!!!!

Ok first things first... Clark is in GA for 2 weeks, he left on Sunday :o( I have had a few very busy days here trying to get some things handled with DSS. Ok here is the deal...... We finalized our adoption Months ago.... The last time I saw my DSS worker was last June... well since September I have been calling them to try to get a visit, and when I called the first time I was told that our old worker wasn't there anymore, and that they would have to get us a new worker... ok.... fast forward to December, 3 phone calls later, and I still don't have a new worker. January, still nothing. So now Feb. hits, and my adoption worker is getting antsy cuz DSS still hasn't closed our adoption, and they cannot close out anything there until they do. So I call, Nothing. Finally I went into the DSS office on the 3rd of this month, told them what was up, and even made a snide little remark about knowing how the media feels about "lost" kids in the foster system ( I couldn't help it!! I swear!!). So the worker says I will have the director call you first thing Monday, that being the 6th.... well did you guess??? I still haven't heard ANYTHING!!! So today I decide to break out the big guns and call the head Interstate office... Well, as soon as the woman realized that I was telling her that DSS here was screwing up she got downright SNOTTY!! Told me that she would make some calls, but that she had an important meeting, and would get to it after lunch, and call me back by 4. Well the phone never rang. UGH I am getting the cold shoulder from my adoption worker now for whatever reason, so I am getting no where! I cannot switch any of his services here or enroll him in medicaid. I mean you would think they would love to get him out of the "System" Crap I am so frusterated that no one seems to want to help, or that they even care that he hasn't been able to get the stuff that I need for him. I tell you guys I will NEVER do an Interstate adoption again!!! Hmm can ya tell I am just a tad irritated?? Kent has been behaving so so since Clark left, lots of attitude, but then I remember that when I was 14 to... had to throw as much attitude out there as I could get away with!!! He told his GrandMa (my mom) on the phone the other night that the reason he is failing Science is because of the Hottie that is sitting next to him!! @@ He said it is the Hormones making him not be able to pay attention!! I cannot believe that came out of his mouth.... ok I can he is OUR son after all!! :o) Now on to something very exciting in the World of this Infertile Mad Woman......I had an appointment with my new Reproductive Endocronologist (laymans terms, the fertility doc, and to save space from here on out the "RE") yesterday!!!! So I Knew the RE I was going to see, she used to be the assistant to my old RE, and she was actually the one who had done my last HSG(Look at the tubes and uterus). We talked about all the new developments since I was last there.. My moms liver disease, and that I carry the gene for it, the Metformin level that I am on, LUFS, and the psych meds I am on, and that I think I have thryoid problems.... then she shocked me and asked me what I WANTED TO DO??!! @@ I have never had an RE ask me what I wanted to do.... well as much as I would love to just jump right to IVF (been at this for almost 14 years) I told her and she agreed that the Clomid worked ok for me last time, and that now I am on Met. that I felt comfortable starting out with 3 cycles of Clomid @ 50mg. She agreed, told me that my HSG was great, so she didn't feel the need for a Lap(exp. surgery) like the other RE has said, and we went in to get a look at those Ovaries.... Right one is covered with follies, almost 20 of them, but as is very common with PCOS, not a dominant one to be found!!! So then we go searching for the left one (it likes to hide) and it was sitting behind my uterus with one little follie that we could see... that is the side that my tube looks like a corkscrew on!! It was pretty funny that she actually remembered that when I asked her about it... My lining was very thin, so she said she didn't see that I was gonna O (ovulate)any time soon :o( Yesterday was CD 11 (cycle day) so there is that wonderful PCOS again..... So... The "GamePlan" is that we will start with OI (Ovulation Induction) and IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) for 3 months, and then on to other things.... the best part was that she asked me if I wanted to be in a clinical trial that they are doing just for OI, all the drugs will be covered, and then I will get some $'s off of the cost of my office visit!! Our insurance covers Clomid/IUI and Injects/IVF, and only in that way... so if she does move me onto injects and IUI then at least the drugs will be free. Our ins. also does IF(Infertility) stuff at a flat 50% except for meds, so she told me that they will do the clinical $'s off my 50%!! So all I have to wait for is Clark to get back from GA, and go give them some "boys", so that she can submit the letter and findings to the ins. for final approval. In the mean time I just sit here and wait for AF..... she did me provera though if I got to far out CD wise (My last cycle was 56 days) and wanted to take it!! So that is it, I am sooo excited to finally be moving in a forward direction again!!! I have to go see the Psych today, for a med check, and it has been a hard 2 weeks, but to be totally honest with you I am feeling better everyday, I can actually "feel" my motivation coming back. Maybe I will get both of my spare bedrooms cleaned out before Clark comes home after all??!! LOL Gosh I miss him!! It is so weird not having him here... nothing like when he was in the Navy though, cuz we talk on the phone everynight, but it is still hard to think of him all by himself :o( LOL At least I have 8 dogs, 2 cats, 2 birds, 2 hermit crabs, and a fish to keep me company... Oh yeah I ALMOST forgot Kent to!! He He He Trust me he never lets me forget he is here!!! LOL Well I am off to the day I have ahead!! Sorry that it took me so long to get caught up again!!

Trials and Tribulations

Ok, here it is Thursday, and I have been trying to get back for days....My new meds are reaking havoc on my system.. eat and sleep... the only two things that I have ANY interest in!! The sleep isn't that big of a deal, but the eating part is gonna drive me insane, 10 pounds in a week is NOT my idea of "mild weight gain". But I swore to myself that I am gonna stick this out, and I am!!! At least until I hit 20 pounds gained, then ALL BETS ARE OFF!! :o) So here is my week up til today...Monday: Boy I was hot on the phone today... called the Clinic, and no Dr. G isn't there anymore... damn I loved that guy, so I call the ins back ask if that is an issue.. nope just have to change to a doc that is there, I guess they fall under a "blanket" as long as they are a part of the practice, then I can see them !! WOOHOO, so I am proud to announce that I have an appointment to develop a "Difinative Game Plan" on the 15th of March!! I am going to see a doctor that I actually know as she was the one who did some of my tests the last time I was there, and she worked very closely with Dr. G on my case. So I am counting the days until I go back!! The only problem we may have is the "swimmer" testing... I remember what Dr. G wanted, and I am sure that Dr. B will want the same one, so now it is just a matter of getting it done right... if the Clinic does it in their lab we have to have a fertility referral for Clark. It is a more specialized test then just counting the little buggers... they actually LOOK at them for deformities, the direction they "swim", and how many of them are actually alive... bizarre I know, but hey I already know my Ovaries are on the blink, so I don't think that this test will make much of a difference, but it will be nice to know, and get it out of the way!! The only problem is how the test is ordered, if the Jones does it we will have to do the referral, but if our PCP orders it, and LabCorp will do it then we won't have to juggle paperwork. I am just hoping that we will get everything we need to get a green light from the ins. company. I already know that if everything is ok with the "Boys" then I will be having surgery, just routine to take a look see and check to make sure there isn't something other then the PCOS goingon in there, and it will be done laproscopicaly, so not a big deal at all. So that is all for now on the infertility front. Tuesday I had an appointment with my new therapist, and it went well. I am still struggling with the new meds, and I let her know that. I felt like a blathering Idiot when I was there though cuz I took the AM dose before I went to see her, and I SWEAR I had to have sounded like I was HIGH!! I so hope that she doesn't think I was, and I am going to explain that to her when I see her again... not a good way to start out with her huh??!! LOL The only thing was I had already had a bad day by the time I went to see her, so when she asked me about major loses in the family that have affected me, I started crying and told her yes, my Grandmother, I really do miss her more then words can say!! I was in a very vulnerable spot and wasn't expecting that question at all... so it knocked me down a peg!! I really like her though, and I think that she is going to be great for me! After I left there I went and had lunch with my sweetie pie... you know Clark!! :o) I always enjoy our time alone, and he just has this way of making things all better!! Besides I LOVE those hugs, and there is NO better antidote for a tuff day!! It was just a quiet night after all that though. Wednesday: Was a quiet day, Clark was sick, but still went in for half of the day... since he will be gone for 2 weeks he doesn't want to leave everyone else with a ton of work to do... isn't he just to sweet??? I am so gonna miss him!! So here it is Thursday morning, and I have been working at this entry forever... having a little bit of a Cyber War with some really intelligent (HA HA) people about raising special needs kids, and foster/adopt kids... boy there are some seriously nasty people in this world...On another note it is supposed to be nice here this weekend, so I have been INFORMED that we will be doing yard work this weekend... UGH not that I mind the mowing, it is the picking up all the crap the dogs have drug around the yard all winter that I am not looking forward to!! Not to mention that I would love to just lay around and cuddle with Clark before he abandons me!! So I am off to find out what things that used to be in the house made their way out of the house, and will be on the way to the dump this weekend!!! So I will be back later to let you know how this day went!! :o)

Have you Ever....

Have you ever wondered what the true purpose of your life is??? I have been thinking a lot about that lately, and cannot seem to come up with a solid answer that makes any real sense to me!! I guess some people say they are here for the accomplishments they will make with their jobs, families, politics, etc. I am not the type to try to change the world... I have a hard enough time trying to change my mind about dinner most days. I wish I could say that I was here to make a difference in Kent's life, but somehow I think that he will be a great man regardless. I hope that makes sense. I would like to think that I am here to bring something to Clark's life, and in a way I guess I have, but I think he would have done great w/o me to.... so that leaves me right back where I started!! I guess I am looking for that one life changing, life impacting, important enough to really affect someone's life, and that leads me to the big problem with me.... the fact that the only change that I can REALLY and Truly impart in this world is to bring forth another life.... UGH but here in lies the problem... those ever so reluctant ovaries. I am getting to my point... I got my referral letter and it says we are approved for one visit.... hmm ok, so we spent the last 2 years fighting with our ins. for one flipping visit?? It gets better, this visit has to be done their way... they want a "Game Plan" I already gave them the last copy from the last time I had ONE visit, and I guess the argument I made about not forcing us to have two semen analysis' got through, cuz now they want just the one. LOL chalk one up for me!! My biggest concern is wether my old doc is still there, last I heard he was going to CA, then I heard something else, so I wonder who I am going to get if not him.... at least they will have all my old records. So tomorrow morning first thing I am going to call the Jones Inst. and see how fast they can get me in as the referal is only good until the 23rd of April, and Clark leaves the 12th for GA... another sore point these days!! So today I get my biggest hurdle of all.... Clark... He informs me that he thinks he is TO OLD to become a dad to a newborn... LOL 33, and he feels to old?? I guess he forgot that We wanted a baby YEARS ago, and never imagined that it was gonna take us quite this long!! Boy if it isn't one ofus having doubts it's the other one!! I just pray that his "guys" are healthy and ready for what is to come!! :o)I start seeing my new therapist this week, and I hope that she will be good for me, as I need someone I can really feel comfortable with right now, and the new meds that the Psych put me on are driving me NUTS :o) I am just having a hard time adjusting that is all, but still finding out that I haven't been treated properly for at least 8 years has really made me wonder about what I could have done with myself in all of that time. Luck of the draw I guess, but now hopefully it is gonna be right, and I can finally start really living!!I have to say that I am honestly not looking forward to having Clark gone for two weeks as I am going to miss him terribly. The dogs are gonna be so lost w/o their daddy to, so that will be tuff.... Bella is his girl, and I don't think she is gonna take it well at all!! How sad is it that I worry how his absence will affect the dogs badly!! LOL I may have to get them all on sedatives for 2 weeks!! Guess I will have to wait and see huh??Well I guess I am done rambling for the night, I am doing laundry, and getting the last of the laundry done while typing this, and I need to get my meds in for the night and hit the sack after this load gets done drying... For some reason this entry doesn't seem as profound as I thought it was going to be...

First day of the rest of my Life....

Well yesterday I got our referal letter from the insurance company back to the Jones Ins. for fertility treatments. The letter has come with mixed feelings and emotions to say the least!! The problems with Kent's behavior have made me doubt wether or not I want a biological child. I just get scared when it is in writing to now, because I am older then I was when we first started trying, and I have seen quite a few friends nearer my age have a lot of issues with pregnancy. I am going to try to be as brutally honest as I can here in this journal about a lot of things, and I plan on being very open to any comments as long as they aren't outright threatening or attacking me!! If you get a link to my journal and don't want to read it then don't!! his is going to be all about Me, Clark, Kent and our lives together!! So be prepared for honesty!!