Hello again.....

Well, I don't expect anyone to still be out there listening to me anymore since I seem to go 6 months or more without writing, but things have really gotten out of hand in my life, and blogging was the least of my worries.  I just have so much on my plate that it seems even when I want to sit and blog, something happens and I don't end up doing it.  Well, that is all going to change, I will be back here on a regular basis with updates of all that have happened in the last few months.  I am also looking forward to catching up with the blogs that I read.

Christmas is less then a week away, and I am just so overwhelmed with everything that I can hardly focus.... I have so many little things to finsh that it seems like I won't get them done.  I had to quit seening my therapist because she offended me, when I tried to talk to her about my desire to have another child, she literally got mad and told me that I was lucky to have my daughter and that I need to be more thankful for her, and learn to appriciate more what I do have.  Well, I don't need a shrink going of on me and being snotty when I am there to work through the feelings that I have, so I jumped ship on her and am looking for a new one. 

I started having seizures again, so my Neuro has diagnosed my with epilepsy and now I cannot drive, ride my horse, or go off alone.  So I am either stuck in the house all day or have to rely on the few friends I do have to run me where I need to go.  It sucks to have your independace snatched away from you so quickly, and totally.  So, I have been doing all kinds of little projects around the house to keep me busy and occupied.  Cleaning and trying to sell my bow holders, but that is going slow to.  I have just been feeling so useless and so much like a burden because I have to have someone take me to appointments, grocery shopping, and any number of other things.  Not to mention I have 2 friends who ditched me, who were like sisters to me, so I only have 2 friends in the area that I can somewhat count on to take me places, on is my horse trainer, who is getting ready to move away, and the other is a grifreind dealing with a severe back injury from work, so she can't really do to much with me either.  So usually Keith has to take the day off either partally or totally to take me to appointmentsI guess I am depressed because I have lost my freedom, and the neuro even suggested that I get rid of my horse.  Keith and I talked about it, and he will let me keep him if I get leg straps and a helmet.  I just feel so helpless right now.I mean I am 39 years old and used to be very independant, that this last 2 weeks has really been a struggle for me.

Oneof the big decions that I had to make was that we had actualy done a few Femera cycles before the last 2 seizures, but the neuro totally told me no more baby making, not with the meds that you are going to be on, so I made the decision to get a hysterectomy because I don't even want to run the risk of and accidental pregnancy and then the baby being born with something wrong, I couldn't do that to me Keith, Lauryn, or the new baby, so with all my reproductive hystery, I just decided that a Complete Hysterectomy is the best road for us to go at this point, just to avoid any acciendental pregnancies.  My surgery will be January 28th, and while I have mixed feelings about it, I am doing the right thing.  I wouldn't want to subject a child to special needs becase I just HAD to have another baby.

I have come to some terms about it but some are still aluding me, I worry that I am doing the right thing, but that I won't be able to live with myself once it is over.  I will truely be infertile then.  No going back, they are going to talke it all.  I think I kinda of tripped out the OB as I told him that I wasnted my uterus back because I was going to plant it under a tree so that the damn thing would be forced to grow something.   It didn't want to work internally so I am going to get it to grow something externally!!

Well, I have to go get the girl ready for bed, but I will be spending a lot of time updated you on a few other things that have been going on.  If any are you still there I would love to hear from you!!

Letting go......

I know I have been back and said I was going to post more often, but things just get in the way more and more often, so before I know it I have been gone for several months!


Things are not going well here in the Infertile household.....


I had another miscarriage in February, just 2 days after we found out, I started bleeding and it was all over.  I followed that a few days later by a Seizure/Blackout/Loss of consciousness right in the middle of Walmart.  I ended up in the ER for over 8 hours getting all kinds of tests run, and having them basically tell me that they thought I was having either a pulmonary embolism, a heart attack, or a stroke.  I just love that they couldn't settle on one flipping diagnosis.  So now my Neurologist has forbidden me to work or drive, for at least 6 months after the incident, so guess who gets to spend all her days staring at the same freaking walls??  Yeah that would be me.  I have Lauryn here with me for 2 days a week, but then she goes to daycare the other 3 weekdays.  It gives me a reprieve, and lets her get some social interaction.


My migraines are still with me, and still uncontrolled, so that hasn't helped me out much in the morale department either.  I am so sick of being in pain all the time, it is really frustrating.  I have had 2 concussions in the last 6 months, one in the car wreck, and one when I fell out in Walmart, so I think that has only added to the severity of my symptoms.  The Neuro is trying to find a cocktail that works, but we keep hitting a wall with almost everything.  I even got Botox in the base of my skull to try to deaden the muscles... good times let me tell ya!!  :o)


Mr. Infertile and I are on the outs.  He isn't happy, and hasn't been for a long time he decided to tell me... all right in the middle of everything else I have going on.  Overwhelming to say the least.  He sprang it on me one night, and asked me all point blank if I even care that he is unhappy.  Uh yeah I care, but if you don't talk to me I can't do anything to try to make it better.  He said that I have some behaviors that he really doesn't like and has a very hard time accepting them.  Now mind you this man and I have been together for almost 20 years, and you just realized that you don't like some of the things that I do, or have you just been letting this wound fester for years??  So life in the house is pretty tense all the time, I feel like I have to be Suzy homemaker and a sex slave all the time, but it is never good enough. I walk on egg shells all the time.  It is really getting old, and I am getting tired. 


Needless to say we are no longer in the "Trenches" doing any kind of baby making, in fact with the way things are going, I have been pretty resigned to the fact that this time next year as I get ready to turn 40 that I will be a mom in just the same capacity that I am now.  Lauryn and only Lauryn.  See, I am not one of those women that wants kids after 40, and yeah I guess that I can say that since I have one, then I am good, but just this morning she asked for a sister to play with.  Heart wrenching.  How do you explain to a 4 year old that right now daddy is being an ass, mommy's body never does anything right, and that it is against the law to steal a kid from someone else??  You can't. I just told her that we would have to see what we could do.  I knew this day was going to come, and I had practiced what I was going to say, but that didn't make it hurt any less.


I have also been dealing with some pretty serious friend betrayal issues.  I found out that a friend who I loved like a sister, considered her family mine, and had asked to be Lauryn's God Mother, was talking about me behind my back.  Normally I wouldn't let it bother me so much, but the things that she divulged were of the deep secret kind, stuff I hadn't even told my mother about, and she did it in front of a stranger.  That stranger knew me and approached me after thinking on it for about a week, and told me what was said.  I literally got sick to my stomach to hear what was said.  She called me a Junkie, said I was abusing my meds, I was high when I wrecked my car, and that I had stolen meds from her.  Now, none of these things were true, and I really feel that after 8 years and all the shit we had been through for her to say stuff like that behind my back was the ultimate betrayal.  I have to be civil to her for now because she still owes me money for a car that she bought off us, so until we get that taken care of, then Keith won't let me confront her.  I can say that it must not be upsetting her to much, because she has only called here once in the 5 weeks since I found all this out and posted a snarky status update on FB, she didn't even respond to it.  I am still very sick over the whole thing though because I did consider them family, so it has really hurt me to the very core of my being.


So that is a small spattering of what has been going on here, I am really going to try to start coming here more often since I have to quit therapy, and just sitting here for this post has made me feel tons better....... hopefully there is still someone out there reading this!!  :o)

Hello?? Hello?? Anybody out there??

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have posted here that I had to clear cobwebs off my dashboard when I logged in!!

Wow, OK so since my last post in April there have been a lot of things that have happened, we went on a surprise trip to see my Grandparents for Easter, my grandmother truly had no idea that we were coming and the look on her face was priceless, of course then she says " You little shit I just talked to you on the phone yesterday and you didn't tell me you were coming." I told her that was kinda the point, it was a surprise. My granddad cried when we walked into the house, in all my years I have never seen that man shed a tear, but he cried and hugged me so hard I thought I was going to break in half!! There was a down side to the trip though that made it very hard on me, my grandmother has Alzheimer's. To see her disease progression since the last time I saw her broke my fucking heart. I am so hurt for her because she watched her mother die from this, so she know where she is going and she is just as scared as everyone else. I love her so much, and you can never imagine how hard it was for me to see this woman who raised me for some of my life, and who was so very strong, forget what she put in her shopping cart by the time she got to the the next isle. It kills me knowing that she is is going through this almost alone, and that there is nothing I am do to fix this for her. I am just very thankful for the time that I had with her, the fact that she got to watch Lauryn do her very firs Easter Egg hunt, was a big plus to. I guess that my work as a nursing assistant is a bad thing in this case, because I know what the disease progression is like, and frankly I hope she goes before it gets really bad, because I can't see her living in a nursing home, it would literally kill her.

So, then on the baby making front we were doing some femera cycles... yeah well none of them worked, and we have put baby making on hold because I have lost an obscene amount of weight, and Keith doesn't think that I am healthy enough to get pregnant right now. I am at 102 pounds.... now don't hate, because I used to weigh 262 pounds, so all that loose skin that looked just kinda bad at 140 pounds looks holocaust survivouresk on me now. I guess that has a lot to do with why I haven't blogged either, I have been so depressed and going through so much in my personal life that it was over whelming me, and I felt like I didn't even want to write, and that is bad because I have always Loved to write!! So, even having this outlet sort of taken away from me has made me feel out of sorts.

I have been having some really bad migraines, to the point where my pcp referred me to a neurologist, and sent me for an MRI. My migraines were getting so bad that I was taking so much medication that it was really messing with me, I was having memory issues, and sleepwalking all kinds of odd stuff, and then I had my car wreck. Yeah it was bad, and frankly I shouldn't be here typing this post, I rolled my car 4 times and hit a telephone pole, but my airbag didn't go off. Had it, my head would have been smashed like a pumpkin. I was actually swerving to avoid a deer, and ended up in a soybean field. There was a car in front of me who had seen everything, and she got out of her car and told me she had called 911 and that we had to get Lauryn out of the car. We tried to pull her door open, but it just wouldn't give, so we ran around, turned off the car, and opened the back passenger door. I got Lauryn out of her car seat, out of the car, wrapped my arms around her and sank to the ground bawling that she was ok. I on the other hand was not I had cuts all over my legs and arms from the windshield shattering, and the seat belt literally gave me a "road rash". They forced me to give Lauryn up and go lay on the road because I had a HUGE bump on my forehead, and the lady said she thought I probably had a concussion, so she wanted me to lay down until the ambulance got there. Ambulance comes, you know the drill.... back board all that fun shit, I had to call a friend to come up and get Lauryn so that she didn't have to go to the hospital with me (she was totally unharmed BTW, Thank God for Britax Car seats!!!), but I don't remember any of it honestly the last thing I remember is the part about getting Lauryn out of the car and being laid down on the road, everything after that.... fuzzy. I was in shock. So get cat scan slight concussion, here are some pain meds... yummy!!! :o) Then in comes the trooper to ask me what happened, I told him all I could tell him was I swerved to miss a deer, and that I remember the car rolling, and what I wrote above but that that was it. So, this Jackwagon asks me if I had had anything to drink before I left the house that morning, I told him yeah coffee, wasn't that what was all over the inside of my car. Then he asks if I was on drugs, I told him that I take medication for my migraines, but on mornings when I drop Lauryn off at preschool, I wait to take them til after I get home because of any possible effect they may have. Well about that time Keith shows up, the Trooper, pulls him out in the hall, tells him I was speeding, and that people smelled alcohol on my breath, and that my best friend had told him that I was on drugs (she was the one they released Lauryn to) and that I better pray that my tox screen comes back with only the meds the doc prescribed or he is going to get me for DUI..... whatever, I don't even drink, and I hadn't taken my meds that morning so it came back clean. I think he was actually pissed that it did, because he got in my face and asked me what I had learned for this experience, and I looked him square in the face and told him "Next time Bambi's ass is fucking Mine!!" The nurse that was checking my IV almost pissed her pants to keep from laughing. I had no cares by then due to all the drugs they had pumped into me, and he was being a jerk off anyway, so whatever. He actually gave me a ticket to, get this for "Failing to maintain my lane." Ya think dumb ass?? I totaled my car, almost got killed, and you just HAD to give me a ticket.... It got dismissed by the DA last week after I told her what had happened.  He was just being a douche buy giving me a ticket because I wasn't letting him get away with the even mere suggestion that I would drink, or do any kind of drugs for that matter when I had to drive my baby girl to school.  Here are some pics for you to see.....

Yeah, my pretty baby was a big mess!!  I have really taken a step back though since the accident and looked at a lot of things in my life, and one of them is that I love blogging, it lets me be me in a space all my own.  I can write or not write, there is no expectation of me here.  The other is that it is stupid to hold grudges, so I have mended some fences, the ones that I can, and honestly just trying to be a better person, I guess coming close to death will have that affect on you.

So, I am going to be back writing here on a regular basis, and sharing some things from the last few months as I catch you all up on things... I know I live such an interesting life that you are all just DYING to hear about it right??!!  Later!!

Post Partum Depression....

Yeah it seems that I have developed this quaint little issue, even though I was only pregnant for 2.5 seconds 3 months ago. I can tell you that it effing sucks butt. My PCP dx'd me with ADD in January, and then put me on Add*rall. It was amazing how the fog lifted from everything, and then I rapidly began my decent into hell. I guess reality was just a bit to much for my fried mind to handle, and in the last two months along with cycling, I have been trying out meds to help with this depression. Nothing is helping the feelings that I have though, it only seems to make them worse. The harder I try to be positive about things the more I am reminded of what I have lost in the last year. So, when I saw the PCP 2 weeks ago, he told me I had a slight case of PPD, to go along with everything else.... Nice. The day of Dreamy's loss is approaching, and I find myself having dead baby dreams, massively detailed ones at that, and frankly who needs shit like that running through your head when you are sleeping as well as during the day to?? I haven't been blogging because I really didn't know what to say... it isn't all rainbows and sunshine here, and I refuse to pretend that it is, so I just keep my mouth shut. I was prompted to post tonight because I feel like I owe it to what few readers I do have to let you know that at least I am still alive, and just being an asshole by not posting. Femera cycle #2 was a bust. I had one huge follie on each ovary this last time, and still couldn't get it right. Got that fantastic news this morning, and it has broken me down all day. I took Lauryn and tried to get out of the house only to be confronted with newborns and bellies everywhere we went. I am so sick of my body letting me down. I had two chances at happiness again last year, and I feel like I lost the chances that I had. In some ways I feel like both of those pregnancies were a huge tease. My body giving me something and then saying "SYKE, did you really think that you could be so lucky??" I am so tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. It has drained just about everything that I had in me, and it is fucking fair. I want so much for something to give. While I am glad that my RE thinks that my body has it in it to pull one last pregnancy with a real live baby at the end, my faith has disappeared with the fog that the Add*rall took. I don't think it has it to give anymore, but then I think, well maybe just one more month. When do we learn?? When is the heartbreak of "Just one more cycle" enough?? I think that I am really nearing the end of this whole thing. I am tired of letting my body dictate to me what it will and won't do when it comes to IF. So that is where I am at. Tired. I just want all this shit to be behind me so that I can mother the one child that I was blessed with, because this has been affecting her to, and that is where I draw the line.

10 days...

I swore 2011 was going to be a better year, ha shame on me for thinking.

In the last 10 days we have found out that our water heater has been leaking for at least 2 months causing extensive water damage, and sever mold growth. So, as of Wednesday we will have to leave the house and stay in a hotel for as few as five or as many as 10 days. All this with 2 dogs, us, a fish and a Toddler who is very in love with our DVR!!

This past Saturday night night while I was brushing Lauryn's teeth, I noticed that both of her front teeth have severe discoloration and some decay at the gum line. This does not bode well for her because of my dental history. We are on the hunt for a pediatric dentist.

Saturday was also a shit day because we came home from an outing to find our five year old Rottie girl dragging her hind legs. A trip to the Vet ER told me nothing I hadn't already figured out on my own, she was most likely paralyzed. I took her to our vet this morning only to have my fears confirmed, by a man I trust. So, today I said goodbye to one of the best dogs I have owned, one that I raised from 24 hours old, one who has been by my side through the worst of my IF battle, and the best.

The last 10 days have sucked the life out of me, it might not seem like much to some, but to me it just seems like a faster start to a shitty year....... much like the one we just kissed goodbye to. I need something to give here, things have got to start going our way.....