I sat in a really hot tub last night and let my tears fall. I had a very bad day yesterday, and it only seemed to get worse as the day wore on.
Clark and I are hardly speaking, and that hurts me a lot, but I can't accept his answer anymore then I could accept the negative Beta's. I know that he thinks he has my best interest at heart, but really all he is doing is breaking mine. I am starting to get a tad bit resentful of the fact that he gets to be the one to say no when it comes to trying again, even if he isn't thinking about it with his ovaries like I am. He actually asked me as we were standing in the kitchen, being forcefully quiet so as not to alert the younger ears in the house about the ensuing argument, why I hated him for making the choice for me. I got instantly and insanely angry with him for thinking the whole thing even had anything to do with him. I stood in front of him and punched myself in the abdomen several times, crying and telling him it wasn't him that I hated it was these organs inside of me that couldn't be bothered to do what they were put there to do that I hated. I don't think that helped my cause any with him, but it is the truth. I would give anything to be able to just ovulate, have sex, and get pregnant like the Majority of this planet, but since that isn't in my cards, I will just continue to beat myself up... emotionally... most of the time.
Because of the tension in the house, I had decided to take Turtle to the park with a friend. She is my best friend in most ways, but it has seemed to me that over the last few months that our relationship has been fading. She always seems to be angry with me about something, real or imagined. Her and her husband have started making a lot of snotty comments about the way Clark and I spend our money... suggesting that we think we are better then they are. I in no way shape or form think that, I just cannot help it that we have made sound financial investments, such as a savings account, instead of buying cars that we don't really need or can afford. Examples of things she has said...
1. That the only reason I didn't want to drive to Bingo every Sunday night is because I didn't want to put the miles on my 1200.00 dollar tires. Are you kidding me?? I drive a Mazda 5 and they come with low profile tires, it was the one thing we didn't like about the car, but hey it is just one thing so we decided to roll with it. Now I am sorry if Clark REFUSES to put cheap ass tires on the car that will carry is daughter and wife around.... ain't happening. So it just happened that the total for ordering, mounting, balancing, and all that jazz was $1200.00. Sorry if I have that in the bank.
2. That Clark and I don't rent from Blockbuster because it is the poor peoples video store. Actually I have hated Blockbuster for years. They charged me late fees for movies I had returned, rented me messed up movies, and were just generally IMO not worth the freaking pain in the ass that they were. Besides if I want to see a movie that damn bad I will pay-per-view it for less then I can rent it.
3. That Clark and I are trying to make them look bad because the play set that we are buying the Turtle is $3500.00, and theirs was only $1100.00 (on sale) Again we go back to the savings thing, we have saved for this play set, and aren't even purchasing it until the spring hoping the price will go down. Let me tell you that any park that we go to out here is at least a 20 MINUTE FREAKING DRIVE from our house!!!! So I am sorry that you feel I am trying to out do you when all I am trying to do is make sure that my daughter has a play set that will keep her entertained for more then 5 flipping minutes, deleting my need for driving all over hell and back so she can play on a damn slide.
4. This one cut me to the heart, and really in my mind has pretty much ended my ability to trust her. She made the comment that I sucked as a mother. Her reason for saying that was simply because I wouldn't let the Turtle have a CapriSun. I was stunned beyond belief when she said it because I had not realized until that very moment that the quality of my mothering, hinged on my letting my child drink from a juice box. We only give Turtle JuicyJuice, or water, and those are served in a sippy cup. So, basically after all the years of trying for her and finally getting the Turtle, I am letting her down because I will not allow her to have butt loads of sugar, from a foil pouch. If only I had known that the success or failure of my mothering skills would hinge on that one little act, I would have done it differently from the get go. Of course I mean all of that last sentence sarcastically, but she was serious when she said it, not a hint of a smile or anything. I am hurt that she seems to think that I am a bad mom because of this one little thing, however I have a feeling that she has had that opinion for awhile and just has decided to speak it out loud now.
So, back to yesterday... we were involved in another problem at a park when an older girl was pushing her son down. She threw a tantrum, snatched her kids and took off, after being there for all of 15 minutes and hardly saying a word to me. As I sat there stunned, and not know what to say to the other people sitting with me, she called my cell to tell me she was not going to let some hoodlum kid beat her kids up while I apparently didn't even seem to care or notice that she was pushing my daughter down, because I was to busy running my mouth talking to another mother to be bothered to pay attention. I was stunned because I had been watching Turtle the WHOLE time and the girl never even touched her once. Trust me when I tell you that if she had, I would have known because the Turtle is so funny right now that if you even bump up against someone while carrying her, she will loose her shit. She hates to be touched by strangers. She then told me that she was going to another park, and IF I choose to I could join her there. HUH?? I seriously don't get what is going on, and I am getting pretty hard pressed to continue this relationship.
After she left I called my mom to vent to her, only my brother answered the phone. He told me that my mother was out grocery shopping, but would be back soon. Then he dropped the bomb...
"So, are you ready to be an aunt again?"
I instantly started crying, and he said to me "Well, damn don't be so happy for us." I kept crying and told him that I was happy for them, but that I had already had a very crappy day. I got off the phone and tried to dry my tears, but I just couldn't do it. I love my brother and my SIL, I really do, but they live with my parents, have a hard time holding jobs, and already have one totally out of control 5 year old daughter, so yeah I am a little hard pressed to be over the moon happy for them. He actually had the audacity to tell me he didn't know how it had happened since he can't remember having sex anytime in the last few weeks. Great. So, I am doubly upset because I am sure that she is about how many weeks I would have been had our FET worked.
When I got home, Clark instantly knew something was wrong, and he literally choked when I told him about my brother. The only thing he could do was tell me he was sorry and hug me.
So all in all, things for me just keep managing to get shittier by the day, and I am honestly beginning to wonder if the Universe is punishing me for something. Just when I think I have a grasp on things, the other shoe drops, and not softly, but like a damn a-bomb.
I know you all probably think I am a freaking lunatic, and honestly right now I am beginning to wonder myself. I cannot thank all of you who have commented enough though, no matter what you say, because it lets me know that I am not really alone in all of this, and that I do have "friends" out there who love me. The support that I get from my Internets helps me make it through the day with a smile on my face, and some peace in my heart. Hugs to all of you out there, and may this week be a good one for all of us!!
639th Friday Blog Roundup
5 hours ago