January 31, 2008

Two weeks.....

Yep, two weeks, and she is still alive!! LOL I cannot even believe how fast time has flown for me. It feel like just minutes ago I was laying eyes on that little girls face for the first time, and yet she has already done so much growing and changing. There is nothing in this world that can empty the bitterness and anger of Infertility out of your heart faster then the smile on a sleeping babies face... especially if that baby is your very own, and you spent years fighting to get that little life home. Not that fertile people don't feel that same thing, but hell, I feel like people who have to work so very hard for something they want, tend to appreciate it just a little more. I have found parts of my heart I never even knew existed. I always wondered if they were there, but until that very moment when I felt them, they weren't really there. I knew this little one when she was a group of cells on a screen, and I never thought I would be looking at a face that is so much like mine, and yet so much her own. Touches of her daddy, but an individual just the same. It is awesome to consider that just a mere few months ago, this little person was being "made" in a lab, and then being transfered into my body to grow and become the baby that she now is. That I did this is still so freaking surreal to me that I almost cannot fathom the reality of it. I hold that warm little body and smell her hair, look into those eyes, and wonder if she will ever know just how much I love her, and what I did to get her here. I cannot imagine a day without her in it, and that is the scariest feeling I have ever had in my life!! To not have that little face look at me with the wonder that she already posses, would be like being lost at sea without a life preserver.

My mom is here right now, and she made a comment about how now I can stop calling myself the InfertileMadWoman. Uh. Not. I really bug out that people think just because I have this little one that now I am all better, fixed, cured as it may be. Not. So. Much. I will never be fertile. Never. So I tried to explain it to her, but she really cannot get it. I spent so many years being infertile that it is a part of me that I can't change, or let go of, and I don't really want to. I have been defined by my struggle for so long that I cannot imagine it not being apart of me. I cannot imagine not trying to give the support and understanding that comes with knowing this side of the struggle. I know there are some infertiles out there who feel like those of us who get the "Golden Ticket" become somehow different. Maybe, but we never forget!! I have felt pain that will forever keep my feet in this Infertile world, sure I have a child now, but isn't that what we all fight for?? I still feel pain for those who cannot reach this side of things, but then I know if you are one of those people you are thinking "Oh shut the Hell up, you have what I want!!" Yeah I do, and I spent 14 years on the other side of that statement, so I do know, and I do feel, and I remember. So, I will always be the InfertileMadWoman!!!

OK, so, there are things people don't tell you about post partum!!! Things like having a "Sunny Side Up" baby will totally ruin your bladder for a hell of a long time!!! OMG if I piss my pants one more time, I am checking into a nursing home!! Face up seems to put a lot of pressure on the bladder and urethra, and can cause it to "spasm" for some time after delivery!! Yeah well no freaking kidding!!! I did the Kegals like the books tell you to, but Ha, "Sunny" has changed the name of the game!!

I have also been having issues with, well you know #2. Remember OHSS for Dummies??? Remember the razor blade comment?? Yeah well that sensation is back. My tear has healed, so that isn't it, but I can tell you that when I feel the urge to, well you know what, I almost have an anxiety attack!! No really it is traumatizing!!!

Oh yeah and engorgement when you aren't breastfeeding... HOLY SHIT!!! To say that I had hooters was an understatement!! OMG, I could have made a ton of cash if I had any pole dancing or stripping experience!! I literally went up 3 cup sizes over night, and looked like I had a botched breast implant surgery!! It was sooo painful, I literally almost stood outside in 20 degree weather naked from the waist up to get some relief!!! They are still swollen, and I cannot seem to get them to dry up even though I have not let her try to nurse since she delivered, so I am dealing with almost constant pain on that front to!! UGH!!

We had the "When to add a sibling" conversation when Turtle was a week old, and Clark's comment to me when I asked him if he was ready for another one was " What are you TRYING to Kill me??" I didn't know what to think about that, so I asked him to clarify just what the hell he meant, and he came back with the fact that everyday of our pregnancy with Turtle was like a nightmare for him, waiting for something to go terribly wrong, and that he really doesn't think that he can or wants to handle another pregnancy!! Oh my, he is a Mess!!! I get it though, and I guess I just never really thought about how bad this whole thing was for him. He really doesn't show his feelings well most of the time, so while I knew he had been worried about me and the Turtle, I never fully got that it was as hard on him as it was. I understand though, and I agree with him. So, for now it looks as though Turtle will be our only adventure into biological parenting. Besides, I am not so sure I could get this lucky the second time around!!!

So, it is getting late here, and this post is getting long, so I will try to get back in the next day or so to let you know how we are all doing!! Hugs to everyone!!

January 23, 2008

I am sooo in love!!

So, after 14 and a half years of pain and failure we have an angel and I have fallen so fast and hard for this beautiful little face!!!! She is just so amazing it is sick!!!

Ok, so here is how it all went down......

9 Pm... Cervadil in (1-16)

5 Am... Cervadil out (1-17)

6 Am... Pitocin Started

7:30 Am... Doc in to see me, 2 CM dilated, broke my water... all I can say about having your water broken... EWWWW!!!!

9 Am... Nubain in..(pain med)

11 Am... Epidural in, still 2 Cm dilated. I had some issues with only going numb on the left side, so they dosed up the epidural, and had me lay on my side until it all went in, but it was to weird having contractions on only one side for like 20 minutes!!

12:30 Pm... Doc in to check me 4 Cm dilated, contractions 2-3 minutes apart. At this point I started a massive itching campaign that they determined was due to the epidural meds, so they changed me over to a different one, and it got better.

3:30 Pm... Nurse checked me and I was at 4-5 Cm but getting there... at this point I knew her head was pretty engaged because I stopped feeling the gush of fluid every time I had a contraction.

5:00 Pm... Nurse checked, and I was 5-6 Cm.

6:30 Pm... At this point I was getting a little frustrated because I had stopped doing much, at least I thought so, so I decided that since I couldn't get out of the bed, I was going to sit upright as far as I could to help her come down. The nurses kept telling me to lay back, but as soon as they left the room, I was right back up again.

7:30 Pm... I started feeling this pressure in my pelvis that seemed to get a little stronger with every contraction, so we called the nurse in who checked me and said we were at 10 Cm, and that she was gonna get the Doc. I knew that sitting up would help!! :o)

7:45 Pm or so.... I started pushing. About 20 minutes into pushing it was determined that little miss was "Sunny Side Up". They had me start pushing while laying on my right side, hoping to get her to turn. That didn't help, so I was put back on my back, and told to just give it all I had. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to know that your strength and determination is the only thing that will make that baby come out, and how hard it is to have all that when you are numb from the waist down!! I decided that I had to get the show on the road though, and just got down to pushing. After only 45 minutes, and the promise of Tac* Bell when it was all over, Little Miss Turtle came into this wonderful world!!

So at 8:28 PM January 17th weighing 7 pounds, and 19 and a half inches long, Little Miss Turtle joined the Infertile Family!!!

She had the cord around her neck twice, and wasn't breathing right away, in fact she was pretty blue when they put her on my stomach. All I could think about was getting her breathing, because this was SO not going to end bad, I took the towel that she was on and started rubbing the hell out of her back, and after about 30 -40 seconds she took a very wet, and soggy breath, and they snatched her up and hauled her to the warmer. They ended up suctioning her for about 2 minutes and putting oxygen to her face, but at that point she had already pinked up and was looking a lot better. Her APGAR scores were 7 and 8. I ended up with a second degree tear, and some stitches, but the Doc said she was very proud of me because most first time moms take about 3-4 hours to push out a sunny side up baby. Clark cut the cord, and I was so very proud of him for that because he so wasn't going to!!

Little Miss and I were both running fevers by the time all was said and done, so they brought her to my room after about 3 hours, let her stay for about an hour, and took her back to the nursery. I had tried to breast feed her when we were in the delivery room, but she didn't really latch, so the nurse told me to try when they brought her back to me... well she tried hard, but just couldn't get on, so the lactation consultant that was there tried to work with us, and actually looked at me and said... she isn't going to get it sweetie. Not that I care, hell at that point I was just so freaking relieved to have LIVE baby that I didn't care if she had to have a bottle. The consultant and I also talked about the meds that I am on, and she was kind of irritated that I had been lead to believe that I would be able to breast feed on them, when I actually would have been better off on a different med, that I could have breast feed on. Oh well.

I was actually discharged on Friday morning, but they decided that Turtle needed to stay another night to wait for some blood work to come back, so the OB cancelled my discharge and we spent the day with Clark, Kent, and I staring at the most BEAUTIFUL baby girl on the planet!!!

We have been home since the 19th, and this little girl has become the center of the Infertile household!! I have so many emotions running through me right now, that I cannot even begin to tell you how it feels to be at the end of this long, long, winding road!! I am going to try to get a post in, in the next few days about how I feel about this whole thing, but for right now I just wanted to let you all know that Turtle made it, and that we are all safe and sound!!

Thanks to each and every one of you who has taken this ride with me!! I couldn't have done it without you!!!

January 16, 2008

Eviction Time.....

Well, I know I said I would update last Thursday, but things were up in the air until yesterday!! Little Miss Turtle should be making her forced appearance by this time tomorrow!!!! I started having issues with my blood sugar last week, and Tuesday night I thought for sure the time had come, but it was just a false alarm, and when we were 15 minutes from the hospital, the contractions stopped outright!! UGH So Thursday I went for the U/S and they said she looked good and was prolly at 6 pounds 8 or 9 ounces. I saw the midwife after that, and she and I agreed that with the blood sugar issues that it was time to see if the doc would induce... the one that would, would only do it on the 17th, but she still wanted to see me this past Tuesday to check on me again. She told me when I saw her that she was hoping that just the threat of induction would make her come out!! LOL uh nope this is my kid we are talking about here!!! We think that she already has white coat syndrome!!! So at 8 pm tonight I will be getting induced, and she should be here some time tomorrow afternoon if all goes well. I will update as soon as I can to let Blog Land know how it went!!! Hugs to all of you!!!!!

January 6, 2008

Still Gestating!!!!

Yep, she is still gestating!!! GAH!!! It just cracks me up that I spent weeks on drugs to keep this little turkey in the ute, and all of a sudden it is like she got comfy and decided that she likes it way better then before!!! Boy I tell you this is our daughter for sure!!!!

So I went to the OB on Thursday, and all was well, I am making some progress. I was still only 1 CM dilated, however now my cervix is anterior instead of posterior, so that is a little change. The Doc that I saw went to palpate my belly, and just said "Holy Cow girl you are ALL baby!!" So now he is a tad concerned that she may be to big to fit through my pelvis. He asked how much she weighed the last time we had an U/S, and I told him she was like 4 pounds 12 ounces at 33 weeks. He just giggled and said "OK then you are gonna need another U/S before I see you next week, cuz we have to see just how much baby this little girl really is." UGH!! So now I have that to look forward to!! I am officially 38 weeks tomorrow, and I NEVER would have guessed that I would be sitting here still waiting for this little one to make her grand appearance!! I am having a lot of contractions, but nothing that stays really consistent, although some do seem to be getting more painful in the last few days.

I hate to say this again, but I have been stressed out again the last few days because Kent is back to his crap. F in one class and missing assignments in another. Then he sits here all X-mas break and KNOWS that he has 2 projects due right after he goes back to school, do you think he did them?? Nope, and what he was going to hand in was horrid, so Clark and I ended up helping him work into the night at the last minute to do a project, that will hopefully bring his grade out of the crapper!!! I have to admit, I talked to him about it the other day, and I was just ready to pull my hair out. I didn't have the luxury of having supportive parents when I was in school at his age, and I would have given anything to have done better in school, and here sits this kid who has everyone cheering him on, and backing him up, and he just won't pull his head out!! I just don't get it, and I am so freaking frustrated with him. I really just don't know what to do any more, and frankly I don't have the energy to butt heads with him all the time. I guess I cannot understand how someone can live through all that he has and have no desire to live life to it's fullest. That is what frustrates me the most!!!

So anyway, that is the state of the union here in the Infertile house right now... I will let you know if I pop, or how things go this Thursday... whichever comes first!!

January 1, 2008


So during last nights Ball Drop, I was either fitfully sleeping, not sleeping, or having a freaky nightmare, not sure which one it was because I can't see the alarm clock from my side of the bed!! Not that it matters it was one of the three I promise you!! Turtle has become the bain of my sleeping hours. She thinks that after I crawl into bed, that signals her to start the dance party in-utero.... this is so not funny!!! I am really beating a path to exhaustion more and more everyday, and I am no good when I don't get some sleep. Granted this may be her way of getting me ready for what is to come, but since I don't have to get up every two hours to feed her right this minute you would think the little hijacker would cut me some slack!! LOL But then I am guessing that is NOT what babies are all about, even the unborn ones... cutting Mom some slack.

There have been so many times during this pregnancy that I wanted to just blog my heart out about all the shit that I hated about being pregnant, but then I thought better of it, and didn't... well who does that serve?? Not me really, because this is supposed to be my haven, my place to talk freely about how I feel. But, and it is a BIG But, people don't want to hear an Infertile who has achieved "The Greatness" whine and complain about it. No really, they don't. I have seen it so many times in comment sections on other blogs, when that long fought for pregnancy doesn't go as smoothly as the blogger wishes, or truly ends up sucking hard core. You always have that Anon that pops in and tell you to just get the hell over it, that you should be thankful to be in the place that you are in. Well no shit Anon. Thankful yes, but still just as miserable as the crackhead down the street who got knocked up for free and has the same problems that I might, absofreakinglutely. See I look at it like this, just because I fought and PAID mucho bucks for this baby doesn't mean that I have to be shiny happy all damn day long when things are going shitty!!! But, unfortunately I did just that, I kept a lot of things that happened this last 37 weeks to myself, mainly because I didn't want to deal with some ass who felt the need to run their mouth about something they have no knowledge of. So, in thinking back over this last year, I realized just how unfair that was to me, and maybe some of the people who read my blog, because being pregnant isn't all roses and sunshine, sometimes it really sucks, and it doesn't matter how in the hell you got there either.

I can honestly say that for the most part I haven't enjoyed being pregnant.... and it kills me to say that!! When you wish, hope, dream, and pursue something for almost half of your life, and it turns out shitty, you wonder what the whole point was. I mean really, it is like holding out for that first drink when you turn 21 and then the first drink makes you puke til you can't breathe... It is all the buildup that you face, and then when the let down comes, it really pisses you off when it isn't all that you expected it to be. I wanted this whole pregnancy thing to be beautiful. I wanted it to be uneventful. Ha, well now that we have gotten to the finish line, or close to it anyway, I cannot let go of the anger that I feel, that my "dream" wasn't realized, and I am not so sure how to get over these feelings that I have. What hurts me even more is that I have realized that I have had such a bad go of this, that Turtle may be the only baby that we have. I just don't think I could put myself, or Clark through this again. Sure everyone says those feelings will pass when Turtle gets here, and we fall madly in love with her, but hey what if that doesn't happen?? I mean come on, what am I going to do if I cannot bond to this baby, and be the good mother that I want to be?? What if I end up resenting her because I pretty much hated being pregnant with her?? Geez nothing like an end of the year reflection to make you totally look and feel like an asshole huh??!!

So, Kent goes back to school tomorrow, Clark goes back to work, and I get the house back to myself... THANK GOD!!! I cannot tell you how hard it has been to have my schedule all disrupted by 2 males who while they may live here, are interlopers in my daytime world!! GAH!!!

So, my bag is packed, and Turtle's bag is packed. Her room is done for the most part... still no crib, but that will come after she gets here, because she will be sleeping in a bassinet in our room for the first little while. So, now we wait. I was kindly hoping that she would evict herself before now, or maybe shortly here into the New Year, but we will see. She has become quite the little romper room fetus, and I think I can safely send back my Doppler now!!! I had on OB appointment last Thursday, and I was checked internally, fingertip dilated, and like 25% effaced... so not much going on for all the discomfort I have been having. Hopefully this Thursdays exam will have some progress that I can report, I pray that it does anyway, because I am DONE... COOKED... STICK ME ALREADY!! :o)

P.S. I want all of the people out there in BlogLand who are still struggling with Infertility of any kind to know that I wish for your dreams and desires to come true this coming year. Keep fighting that fight with all your heart!!!